This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too ... see?" "Ooh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?""Why, actually, yes, I do.""I do too! See? It's right here!""Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Volkswagen says,
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
P.S. Hey, Richard, do you have a shower in YOUR Rolls?
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked, "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz!
Since you asked...
While I believe with all my heart (if you'll permit me a certain degree of bias) that the U.S.A. is the greatest country in the world, we are obviously not perfect. There are aspects of our society that, quite frankly, I am extremely ashamed of. Viagra is one of them.
Consider its beginnings. All over the world children are starving to death, disease runs rampant, and there are hundreds of vitally important problems which the scientific community could address and yet somewhere in the states someone got the bright idea: "Hey! Let's invent a pill that will let an old guy get a hard-on!!"
Fast forward a very few years (this project was fast-tracked all the way, I wonder why) and Viagra is not only available for those men suffering erectile dysfunction but, moreover, it has become the most misused recreational drug in our country's history.
A TV commercial presently airing shows a very (again) young man being complimented by his friends and co-workers ("Have you been working out?" "Is that a new haircut? etc) when the only change he has actually made is that he is now popping this damn pill. I keep waiting for one of them to comment "Say, Brad, you don't look as impotent as usual!" but I don't suppose I should hold my breath waiting for that one.
This thread was set up for the world's best jokes but, sadly, I'd have to say that Viagra is one of the world's worst.
And just out of curiosity, Shufitz, why did you think that I would be the one to chime in here? When it comes to drugs, I've got my preferences (documented elsewhere) and Viagra is definitely not one of them!
CJ, I couldn't agree with you more. And, it annoys me no end to see Viagra covered by a lot of insurance policies, yet most insurance policies don't cover birth control pills!
Not in the Rolls-Royce, no. Not unless you count the things that spray the headlights.
I did have one in my VW Beetle, though - every time it rained!
I once had a very old car which featured an interior steam room.
The radiator leaked badly but I was too broke to fix it so rather than keeping it filled with a water/anti-freeze/coolant mixture, I just filled it with plain water from several gallon jugs that I had to carry with me. The water would leak out, hit the engine, turn into steam, and then come up into the interior of the car through holes in the floorboards. Fairly enjoyable experience, actually.
I finally had to break down and replace the radiator when winter came around. You might think that would be a perfect time to have an automotive steam room but the water vapor would turn to frost and ice on the inside of my windshield as I drove.
I'm the only person I've ever known to have actually scraped the ice off his windshield while he was driving.
That reminds me of a car we had once where the rearview mirror broke off during a huge snowstorm! When my husband dropped me off at the University of Chicago Hospitals to teach my students, I ran in, got some adhesive tape, and tried to tape it for him, to no avail. It was so funny watching him hold up that mirror as he was trying to drive in 16 inches of snow and freezing weather!
'm the only person I've ever known to have actually scraped the ice off his windshield
while he was driving.
Then you've not known anyone who owned an old VW microbus, have you? Also, if you've a modern car on which the air conditioner (curious term, that, as it doesn't specify WHAT condition!) runs when the defroster is on, and the evaporator case drain line clogs, you'll blow icicles on the inside until the bloomin' heat goes up!
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"
"I stopped you because you have been speeding," said the Polic Officer. "The speed limit is 70 and you were going 85."
Driver: "Impossible! I've been watching my speed and it never went above 70."
Driver's wife: "Bullshit! You've been bragging for an hour about how well you drive at 85."
Driver: "Shut your mouth you stupid bitch!"
Police Officer: "And another thing. Your right rear tail light is out."
Driver: "Impossible! I checked it just yesterday and it was working okay."
Wife: "Bullshit! You've been talking about getting it fixed for these past three months."
Driver: "Shut up or I'll slap your ugly face."
Police Officer: "Does he talk to you this way all the time, ma'am?"
Wife: "Not ALL the time -- only when he's drunk."
WHY PARENTS GET GREY HAIR
The manager of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?", he asked.
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, weightlifters, longshoremen, but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in,wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay,grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000,and asked the little man,"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Will I get laid this weekend??
That depends. Are you an egg?
A woman is concerned about her husbands lacking in the sex dept. so she goes to the local pharmacy t5o inquire about this new Viagra stuff she's been reading about.
She asks the Pharmacist "Do they really work?", to which he replies "Why yes, they're wonderful, I use them myself! The've changed my life"
The woman the says "Really, and you get get it over-the-counter?"
And the pharmacist looks at her and says "Yes,-IF I TAKE 2!!"
What's the difference between a rectal thermometer, and an oral one? THE TASTE!
I'm concerned at the typos in my replies. Must be Gremlins...
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat"
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Attila the Hun was reputedly the meanest man of his time. So mean was he that he frequently killed the first person he saw upon awakening each morning. His attendants were becoming worried that there'd be nobody left to attend him before long, so they rounded up local folk from captured villages to awaken him. One old fellow was the town drunk. He was so loose that when Attila belted him, he just bounced off the walls of Attila's yurt, unhurt. Indeed, the drunk awakened Attila for many years, and became world famous as The Souse of The Rising Hun.
A woman is teaching an introductory biology class at a local university. The topic last week was mammals, and she was preparing a Power Point slide show with images of various animals to illustrate the huge diversity of the mammals.
Of course the obvious place to look for images is on the Internet, and she had great success with searches for "armadillo photos" and "whale photos" and "monkey photos."
Then she made her mistake: she did a search for "beaver photos."
Having an enquiring mind I thought I would try this for myself. In fact, some of the entries related to De Havilland Beaver aircraft, some to Beaver Scouts and most to those small furry animals with the big teeth.
Just a few titles (not images) were clearly leading to sites of a different nature.
So far as I know, the word "beaver" has no sexual connotations outside the USA; it certainly means nothing in the UK.
An English professor, a Rabbi, a Baptist preacher, and a nun caressing her pet beaver enter a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this a joke?"
De Havilland Beaver aircraft
Which were produced by De Havilland Canada, not the parent company in the UK. I suppose this makes sense, since there are more wild beavers in the vast uninhabited stretches of Canada than there ever have been in the UK. As for the numbers of the other variety in Canada, alas, I've no knowledge.
In the movie, "Naked Gun 33 1/3," Leslie Nielson looks up at Priscilla Presley, who's up a library ladder, and exclaims, "Nice beaver." She replies, "Thank you. I just had it stuffed." Then the handiwork of a taxidermist drops into Nielson's arms. If you non-USA residents saw this movie, did the joke pass you by?
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards."
There is a guy lying in a hospital bed with just hours to live. He tells his wife, "there's something I must tell you before I die."
"Take it easy Charlie, nothing matters, rest."
"Oh, please Mary, I have to tell you."
"It's ok Charlie."
"Please Mary, I must."
"Ok, Charlie, if it makes you feel any better, tell me."
"Well, Mary, I have to tell you I had sex with your sister a number of times."
"I know about that Charlie."
"Sure, that's why I poisoned you!"
Not a joke but the current commercial for Heinekin Beer.
Not a joke but the current commercial for Heinekin Beer
It would have been funny if the men had been petting the nun's heinekin while she stroked her beaver.
Q. Do you know why sex is a simple, three-letter word?
A. Because it's easier to spell than:
It's easier to write down as well - unless you happen to have a top-class shorthand writer with you (but obviously you wouldn't, would you?)
You forgot the "JIM" in between "Don't stop now" and "Your so good"
Is that a joke?
That depends on if it made you smile or not! Most things I say are in jest, and are sometimes even funny to other people as well as to myself. (Sometimes not.) What can I say, it was very early, but I still think it sounds better that way!!
OMG Jim, I laughed so much when I read your reply! It was hysterical!
What did one ovary say to the other one?
"Did you order any furniture?"
"No. Why?" asked the other.
"Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."
JS Bach had eighteen kids because he couldn't find his organ stops.
The police chased a naked bank robber into a church and then caught him by the organ.
(Anyone up for a thread devoted solely to "organ" double entendres?)
(Sidenote: The above joke originally featured a streaker. I made him a bank robber since I'm pretty sure that some Wordcrafters have, somehow, missed the streaking phase entirely.)
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
Anyone up for a thread devoted solely to "organ" double entendres?
My teacher wanted me to learn piano, until she saw my organ...
One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishoners in his church. When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor, happened to notice that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water.
Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to him.
"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I found that lying on the street corner and the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."
Three women were up for the same job and all seemed to be equally qualified so the man in charge of hiring brought in a psychologist to administer a test to them.
"What is one and one?" he asked the first applicant. She replied "Two" and then seemed mildly puzzled when he thanked her for her time and, as she left, asked her to tell the next woman to come in.
He asked the second woman "What is one and one?" and, suspecting it to be a trick question, she answered "Eleven." Again the psychologist thanked her and called for the third applicant.
"What is one and one?" he asked the third and, thinking a moment, she replied "Arithmetically, of course, the answer is Two but taken in a strictly visual sense, the answer could also be Eleven."
He thanked her and then reported back to the manager saying "The first applicant showed a strong sense of reality, the second showed a high level of imagination, but the third showed an excellent balance between the two. It is my recommendation that you hire the third woman."
The man in charge replied, "Thank you very much but I've decided to hire the second applicant." The psychologist shrugged and said, "Well, it really doesn't matter to me one way or the other. You're the boss. I assume you're looking for someone with imagination?"
"No, not really."
"Then why her?"
"She has the biggest tits."
(DISCLAIMER: This would be screamingly funny it it weren't so true!)
Two southern women are sitting on the porch. One says to another, "See that cotton field yonder? My husband bought it for me because he loves me."
The other woman responds, "That's nice."
The first woman continues, "See this plantation? My husband bought it for me because he loves me."
The other woman responds, "That's nice."
The first woman continues, "See this diamond ring? My husband bought it for me because he loves me."
The other woman responds, "That's nice."
Finally, the first woman says, "So, what did your husband buy for you?"
The second woman responded, "He sent me to etiquette class."
The first woman asked, "So, what did you learn there?"
The second woman replied, "I learned to say 'That's nice', rather than F____ you!
Rethink the meaning the next time someone says to you, "That's nice."
quote:I found horological 'the art of designing and making clocks', and horological, so I'd imagine that horologically is proper, though not listed.
Kalleh's joke echoes a story about President Harry Truman, speaking to the Washington Garden Club. Here's the version as told by Arkansas governor Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee in a speech:
As Truman spoke to that august group of ladies, he on several occasions in the course of his address used the term "the use of good manure."
Well, when it was finished, some of the ladies went to Bess Truman [Harry's wife] and said, "Bess, don't you think you could get Harry to quit using the word 'manure' and maybe use the word 'fertilizer.'" And Bess said, "Ladies, you just don't understand how long it took me to get him to use the word 'manure.'"
Truman was followed by Eisenhower. He and Mamie, his wife, took a trip to Mexico. Upon debarking from Columbine, Ike's Lockheed Constellation, predecessor to Air Force One, Mamie stepped in a quite juicy cow chip. "Ewwwww, what's THAT!" Mamie exclaimed. Ike said, "That's caca, Mamie!"
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out his best friend was banging his wife.
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud,
the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite,
Adolph Coors orders a Coors
and the list goes on...
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
The CEO of a large corporation had a high-strung, type-A personality. Go, go, go, all the time with no breaks for holidays or recreation. Inevitably, he wound up in hospital with a heart attack. Upon his release, his doctor warned him to slow down, take it easy, and maybe get a hobby.
"What kind of a hobby?"
"Something slow and calming. Painting, perhaps."
On the way home, the executive stopped at a store and bought a bunch of art supplies.
Next morning he phoned the doctor.
"Doc, I just gotta thank you for your advice. This painting stuff is just great. I got SIX done already!"
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.
She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a Santa Ana police officer during a felony trial.......it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer- do you have a locker room in the police station- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback" line and we think he'll win.