quote:

The blond leaned over the counter and slowly said, 'Burrrr gerrrr Kiiiing.' "

Something like that really happened to me at the Black Bull pub in Godmanchester!

Two hunters hire a light plane to go on a trip to the Canadian wilderness. They succeed in shooting six moose (Mooses? Meese?) and start to load the carcasses onto the plane. The pilot objects, saying that they will overload the plane, but they insist, stating that they hired the same type of plane the previous year and that the pilot hadn't objected when they loaded the six trophies they gained. The pilot gives in, and they take off, only to crash a little while later.

One of the hunters turns to the other as they crawl out of the wreckage,
"Where are we?"
"Not far from where we crashed last year, I think." says the other.

Man in Computer Store (on the phone with the Blonde) : Right click on your desktop.

Blonde: Wait till I find a pen.

Man : Why do you need a pen?

Blonde: So I can write "click" on my desktop.

. . .. ... ..... ........ ..... ... .. . .

The humor in the currently popular "dumb blonde" joke comes from sharing the vignette with US -- members of the fast-growing group of successful computer users who are "in the know," as we poke fun at THEM -- the ignorant beginners. It's cruel, but some think it's funny, too.

Who knows what their blondness has to do with their ignorance ???

quote:

Originally posted by arnie:
One of the hunters turns to the other as they crawl out of the wreckage,
"Where are we?"
"Not far from where we crashed last year, I think." says the other.

ROFL!! o-)--)... >gasp<

Yes, hilarious, Jerry and arnie. Interesting that it was "right click on your desktop." I'd say "right click on my mouse."

arnie, since the plural of mouse is mice, I think the plural of moose should be meese.

quote:

Originally posted by Kalleh:
Yes, hilarious, Jerry and arnie. Interesting that it was "right click on your desktop." I'd say "right click on my mouse."

Different meanings though.

"Desktop" is jargon for the display on your screen when you are not showing any open applications. And "Right click on your desktop" means click somewhere on the screen where there is no icon".

Dubya is at a reception and he spots a man with long hair and beard, wearing a robe and sandals, and carrying a staff.
"That guy looks like Moses." he thinks.
He calls across to the man, "Hey, are you Moses?"
The man ignores him totally and acts as if he's not heard him. Dubya asks a secret service man if he thinks the man looks like Moses, and the SS man agrees.
The SS man goes over to the man who looks like Moses and asks him, "Are you Moses?"
"Yes."
"Why are you ignoring the President?"
"The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up wandering with my people in the desert for years, and ended up leading them to the only spot in the area with no oil!"

Blinded by passion and the darkness caused by the power outage, he heard her voice ...

She said, "Take off my t-shirt and my bra."

Needing only minimal help with the bra's catch device he carried out her order. As he tossed those garments aside he heard her say, "Now take off my panties."

That settled it. He had been trying to decide whether this was his U.S. girlfriend or his U.K. paramour. This one was American, for sure; had she been British she most likely would have said "Nickers," or maybe "Knickers." Not "panties."

He took off her panties just in time to hear her say, "Now don't you ever let me catch you WEARING MY CLOTHES again."

A woman goes to the doctor for a checkup. The nurse asks "How much do you weigh?"
The woman answers "130 pounds.".
The nurse asks her to get on the scales and it turns out she weighs 150 pounds.
Next, she asks "How tall are you?"
"Five foot nine inches."
She measures her and finds she is in fact only five foot four.
The nurse then takes the woman's blood pressure: "Oh dear! Your blood pressure's rather high."
The woman screams "Are you surprised? I walked in here tall and slim and am now short and fat!"

Q: What do sperm and lawyers have in common?
A: One in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.

I know so many jokes I don't post them anywhere any more unless they're my original material. I have hundreds that are all of one particular variety. The one that I'm probably most proud of:

---
While dining at a local cozy restaurant recently, my spouse and I were serenaded by a young man wielding a guitar. Grinning at us, he sang [... go ahead, sing along]:

"In a tavern, my companion,
Diced potatoes, poured the wine.
Broth the taste out, consommé-tin',
Delicious soup, on which to dine."

As he spread his hands apart to receive a round of applause, I asked him, "Is this intended to be a sample of your musical talent?"

"No," he replied. "Just a soupçon of my wit."

-- Bob Dvorak (aka lisztman)

Ah, Dvorak, I've enjoyed your music.

I enjoy Liszt's as well.

I enjoy getting Brahms and Liszt occasionally ...

quote:

I enjoy getting Brahms and Liszt occasionally ...

Only occasionally...?

Please invite me to your next Bach-anal.

"Here at last, Liszt! You were missed," they said lisplessly.

Franz, Romanz, countrymen, lend me your ears..."

What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

A prostitute looks up and says, "You done yet?" The mistress looks up and says, "You done already?" The wife looks up and says, "Honey, I think the ceiling needs some paint."

And, this being a <words> site, the colloquialism of my last post struck me -- because one cannot have a difference between three things. One can have a difference between two. Or differences among three. I've been told that "among" is pedantic. Sorry. Sister Mary Arthur would be very unhappy to know that I have supposed anything between more than two prepositional objects.

But, Bob, with the first two women, it's the object of the propositon!

Annnnd, a dominatrix would look down and say, " I'm not done yet!"

The IRS Hates Losing

Bob is called into the local IRS office for an audit and takes his lawyer with him.

The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it” says Bob. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Bob says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Bob removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Bob says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Bob isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Bob removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Bob’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Bob asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Bob stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Bob’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Bob told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official’s desk and that he’d be happy about it.”

Another original groaner...
--------
Seamus walked into O'Malley's bar one evening, as was his wont most evenings. As he pulled up his customary stool, Sean O'Malley was topping off his customary pint. But just as Sean placed the beer on the bar, a fellow climbed onto a dais behind Sean and began reciting in a Very Loud Voice:

"There shall be no fisticuffs."
"No patron shall be served more than two drinks at one time."
"No Smoking. By order of the City of New York."
"Management reserves the right..."

As the voice droned on, Seamus motioned Sean over. "What's with the grandstanding back there?"

Sean answered, "I was watching TV the other night. There was some news thing about how business really improves when you do this. I haven't figured out how he's going to help me with my inventory yet, but give me a few days."

Seamus said, "But what IS he DOING?"

Came the reply, "He's my new Bar Code Reader."

This is not original. Just a group of ten very high quality puns.

How many of them made You smile ??