The Seven Dwarfs were on their way to work, singing, "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go," as they walked. But they all stopped outside a convent and began arguing. Finally, after much dissent, Doc left the group and rang the convent's doorbell.
When the Mother Superior answered, he said, "I know this sounds like a ridiculous question but do you have any midget nuns here?"
The nun was surprised but said, "No, we do not have any midget nuns here. Go with God." And she closed the door.
Doc went back to the group and another argument ensued. After several minutes, Doc once again approached the door and rang the bell.
Once more, the Mother Superior answered, but she was getting a bit upset. "What do you want?" she asked.
Doc said, "I really hate to bother you but have your ever had any midget nuns?"
"NO! I have been in this convent for thirty-five years and in all that time, we have never had a midget nun. Good day to you, sir." And she slammed the door.
Doc shook his head and returned to the others. He explained what the Mother Superior had said and they all marched off, singing, "Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin..."

Mostly oldies, but a couple of good 'uns:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference . He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."



17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



21. A backward poet writes inverse.



22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

quote:

Originally posted by Asa Lovejoy:
Mostly oldies, but a couple of good 'uns:

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

I remember hearing about a woman who backed into an airplane propeller. Disaster.

Or the one who got too close to the jet engine intake: It sucked.

Charlotte was in the upstairs bathroom and called down to Claire, "Claire, can you help me? I'm half-way into the tub and I can't remember if I'm going to take a bath or if I've already finished."

Claire said, "Wait. I'll be right up."

She began to climb the stairs slowly and got half-way when she stopped and yelled, "Helen, can you help me? I'm on the stairs and I can't remember if I was going up or coming down."

Helen was in the parlor watching TV and said to herself, "I hope I never get as senile as those two old biddies. Knock on wood," and she rapped on the arm of her seat. "Is someone at the door? Come in."

Wasn't that a scene from the Britcom, "Waiting for God?"

You mean they stole the joke I purloined?

Little Johnny (5) said to his friend Jessica (5), "I found a condom on the patio."

Jessica said, "What's a patio?"

Stupid Jessica - it's what they make McFries out of.

No. It's Irish outdoor seating: Patio Furniture.

Est-ce qu'il est marine? Non, il est trop homme de terre.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Asa Lovejoy>,

Ich nicht sprechen sie Deutsch.

I spend much of my time these days in the hereafter. I walk into a room, stop and think, "Now what am I here after?"

Sort of like the guy who took the girl to a Lover's Lane and parked. He said, "Let's play a game of 'Hereafter.'"

"I never heard of that game. What are the rules?"

"Simple. If I don't get what I'm hereafter, you'll be hereafter I'm gone."

My last post was a fractured French pun on potato (pomme de terre) Trop homme de terre means much a man of the ground, but sounds like, "too much a potato." Oh, well, Padraig O'Furniture made as much sense...

Only fractured English spoken here.

Impact or pyroclastic fracture?

Someone sent me this the other day.

So I landed my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter (a good way to pass some time and get a few bucks for retirees like me). but my job lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?

The woman stopped yelling, and stopped in her tracks.

"Hell no, they ain't twins," she said in the same loud voice, glaring at me. "The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

"Why the hell would you think they're twins?" she continued, still using such a loud voice that all the other customers were also stopping and turning to look at us standing there at the entrance. "Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," I replied -- loud enough for everyone to hear, but calmly and in the politest of tones. "I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Now, I wouldn't tell this story if it wasn't absolutely true. And I warn anyone who is easily offended not to proceed any further. Having said that, I know there will be those who will ignore my warning and complain later.

My brother-in-law and I were at a recent Red Sox game and I glanced up the aisle to see if the vendor was around. I noticed a pretty woman several rows back with a short skirt on. I nudged John and said, "You can see up that woman's skirt and she's not wearing panties."

He looked and said, "Get your eyes examined. She has black panties on."

We argued for a while until the vendor came down the aisle. "Hey," I said. "There's ten bucks for you if you go up to that woman and drop popcorn so you can see if she's wearing panties or if it's hair we can see."

So the guy walks back up, drops the item, and checks her out while retrieving the cup. He comes back and I said, "So, it was panties, right?"

"Nope," he says.

"I told you it was hair," says John.

"Wasn't hair either."

"If it wasn't panties and it wasn't hair, what was it?"

"Fruit flies."

NO complaints, please. You were warned.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th
grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter,"
she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a
kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss, and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!"

I heard that one with the cat going, "Fffff! Fffff! Fffff!" and the joke continuing predictably.

A sailor on shore leave after a long time at sea went into a seedy part of town looking for adventure. He walked up to a big Victorian house and knocked. He was pleased when a well-dressed woman of friendly demeanor answered the door.

"I need a woman. NOW." he said.

The madam said, "We would love to accommodate you, but although we have a girl available, we do not have a room for you."

The sailor said, "I don't care about a room. I need a woman. NOW." He pulled a large warm roll of currency from his pocket.

"Well," said the madam, "this house is in the Italianate style, so it has flat roofs. Would the porch roof meet your needs?"

"I don't care where," said the sailor. "I need a woman. NOW."

The madam admitted the sailor, and soon he and one of the young professional women climbed onto the porch roof and began to transact their business.

This being a seedy part of town, a drunk soon walked by. As he passed the house, he happened to glance up. He stopped and watched raptly as the couple rolled around on the roof.

In the throes of business, the couple rolled off the edge of the roof and landed in a peony bush. Being success-oriented, they continued the transaction without a pause.

The drunk ran up the steps and pounded on the front door. The madam answered the door, drew herself up and asked, "What do YOU want?"

"Lady," he said, "your sign fell down."

I asked Richard to post this joke, and he hasn't. Therefore, I will post it for him:

The Europeans said that the Americans would elect an African American president when pigs fly. What happened after Obama was in office for 100 days? The swine flu!

That is a keeper! I've already used it in a talk and cracked up the audience.

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! I don't usually ask this of women, but could you tell me how old you are?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

Yes, apologies for not having been here too much but the business centre at my hotel in Dubai was busy (and expensive).

In fact, I heard the joke first in Canada - so I can take credit only for repeating it, not creating it.

As the parents were listening to little Johnny saying his prayers at bedtime, they heard, "God bless Mommy and Daddy and goodby, Grandma."

The next day, word came that Grandma was deceased.

That night, Johnny said his prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodby, Uncle Joe."

The next day Uncle Joe bit the dust.

That night Johnny said, "God bless Mommy. Goodby Daddy."

The next day the husband drove carefully to work, avoided all elevators, electrical equipment, water hazards, and anything remotely dangerous. That night he came into the house and said, "You won't believe the terrible day I had today."

"YOU had a bad day?" she barked. "How do you think I feel finding the milkman dead on the porch this morning?"

What's the favorite snack at a physics lab?

Fig Neutrons

Oldies, mostly, but some good oxymorons:
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Johnson wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"

when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

No one believes seniors .. . .
everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, detectives were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. 'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No'.

Andy:'She's lying.. She hid it in the attic. '

Sally : 'Don't believe him, he's senile'

The cops turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...... '

The first cop turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!'

Why Proper English Is Important


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The

Certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby

Reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile

Dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket

To the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,

And with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine

And it must be respected.


You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that,

You will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and

You can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How

Do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say

'1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not

Work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,

Shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to

Join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes

And said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men... His wife

Was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences

With a preposition...


OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

Two cowboys saw an Indian with his ear to the ground. One cowboy said to the other, "It is really amazing what an Indian can tell just from listening and feeling vibrations. Let's see what he knows."

So they rode up and asked him what was going on.

"Wagon on this road. Wagon have white man driving, little boy on seat, little girl on tailgate. One horse sorrel, one horse pinto. Wagon red with white trim, with large yellow wheels."

"I don't believe it. How is it possible for someone to get so much detail just from listening to the ground?"

"Simple. Wagon run over my head."

Asa, you should post the one about women drivers that you just sent me!

I got this one from my daughter and thought it appropriate for a word board:

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Per Dubya's amazingly astute observation, "Wall Street got drunk," This:

An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets


Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later "marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't
really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.







Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.


Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers.

So it wasn't George Bush. It was that &%*$@* Heidi!

That observation would be very amusing were it not true.

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital, when during her tour of floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my GOD!" said the lady. "That's disgraceful; why is he doing that?"

The doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition wherein the testicles produce excess sperm. If he doesn't do that five times a day, he's in excruciating pain."

"Oh, that's terrible," said the lady.

In the very next room, they could see that a female nurse was fellating a different male patient.

"Oh my GOD!" exclaimed the lady, "How can THAT be justified?"

The doctor replied, "Same condition, better health care plan."

Now that Sarah Palin, who ran for Vice President on John McCain's Republican ticket, is is out of office, she isdoing her part to do bring about bipartisanship. For example, she has invited the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, to visit her great state of Alaska, now that she has more time after resigning from her post.

To celebrate her new-found freedom from the toils of office, she has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them:

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt,

Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and

Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.


She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.


Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to The entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
Please raise your hand?"



Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Not all lawyers are smart.
2. Not all blondes are dumb.

The following isn't a joke, but an irate letter from a U.S. citizen. A word of caution...it's full of potty language, so if that offends, please don't read it. I could have whitewashed it, but I don't think it would have been so effective:

Dear sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address.

What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be to damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!


Signed
- An Irate Citizen.


P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang ........However, I have to get someone'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who....................And we want them to run our health care?!?

An old woman called the newspaper, very irate, and demanded to know why her paper wasn't delivered.
The manager tried to calm her down but she was livid. "I only get one paper a week on Sunday and you morons cannot even deliver that one paper on time."
When he finally got to speak, he said, "But M'am, the reason you didn't get a paper is that today is Saturday."
There was silence at the other end of the line and then the woman said very calmly, "So THAT'S why no one was at church today."

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall. back in 1850?







California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

quote:

the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands

Actually, in 1850 there were (almost) no women in California and the men were pretty friendly.

I can't find the whole thing, but there was a song that said, "The forty-niners were the miners/The whores came in fifty-one/And when they got together/They raised a native son.

I'm sure there are a few about the Oregon Trail too.

Here's the version posted on The Mudcat Cafe

The miners came in '49,
The whores in '51.
And then they got together,
And raised a native son.

Someone just told me this and I know Kalleh will like it.

Two bees met and one said to the other, "How are things going?"

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold. There aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."

"Tell you what," said the first bee, "Fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on with all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip!" said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees meet again.

The first bee says, "How'd it go?"

"Wonderful!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said. There was plenty of fruit and huge floral arrangements on every table! I made my quota in no time."

"Yeah, but what's that on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Two vampire bats are hanging around the cave. One says to the other, "I haven't tasted fresh blood for ages. I'm off to see what I can find."

Off he flies, and returns about five minutes later with his muzzle covered in blood.

"It looks like you struck lucky!" says the other bat, "What did you find?"

The first bat goes to the cave entrance. "Do you see that tall tree over there across the valley?"

"Yes."

"I didn't!"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: arnie,

This is an old one which I just saw in H. Allen Smith's book People Named Smith (1950).

The new teacher was taking attendance and came to a pretty little girl. "What is your name, dear?" she asked.
"My name is Snotnose Smith."
Taken aback, the teacher said, "I don't think that is funny. Now, what is your real name?"
"That is my name. Snotnose Smith."
"Well, little girl, if you cannot be civil, you may go home until you learn how to behave."
The little girl got up, picked up her books, and headed for the door. But just before leaving, she turned to her brother and said, "You'd better come with me because she isn't going to believe you either, Fartface."

Just got this one in an e-mail.

          A Trip to Cosco

  Yesterday, I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
  What did she think I had, an elephant?
  So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
  I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
  Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
  Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Maybe this would work!

THE WELFARE/URINE TEST

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.


So, here is my Question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?


Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on his butt, doing drugs, while I work. Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?


I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

This one isn't mine. I got it in an e-mail. So don't get mad at me.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ol' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you?"

The biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers: "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes. Yes, I sure am."

The biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, then, 'cause I want a cheeseburger."

Why Proper English Is Important

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine
and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition - you might end up with a danging participle.

Lifted from the Jumbo Joke website:


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