A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Israeli are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibal chief offers to grant one favour to each before they are killed and eaten. The Frenchman asks to have sex with the chief's daughter; they have at it, then he is killed and chopped up for stew as the other two watch.

The chief then asks the Israeli what he wants. He bends over and asks that the chief gives him a kick up the behind, which the chief delivers with enthusiasm. The Israeli spins round, pulls out a revolver, and shoots the chief and nearby cannibals dead. He dives for his backpack, pulls out a sub-machine gun, and massacres the rest of the tribe.

"Why didn't you shoot them right away?" asks the dumbfounded Englishman. "What?" "And be labelled as an aggressor by the UN?" replies the Israeli.

During one of the many Arab-Israeli conflicts, the Arab commander was told an Israeli soldier was preventing the infantry's advance. He ordered a squad to flush out the soldier but, after intense firing, no one from the squad returned. The commander ordered a platoon to advance on the enemy soldier. Gunfire filled the air, then silence reigned and no one from the platoon returned.
The commander decided to send a company into the battle; they were decimated. So he ordered a battalion witout success. Finally he ordered an entire division complete with armor and air support. After intense fighting, a lone Arab soldier returned, yelling, "Go back! it's a trap! There's two of them!"

Ole the Swede applied for a fork lift operator job at a factory based in St. Paul.

A Norwegian from North Dakota applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and took it in a quiet room with no interruptions.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Ole and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian guy the job."

Ole: "Vhat do ya mean? Vhy you doing dat? Ve bot got 19 questions right. Dis is St. Paul and I’m a Svede so I should get da yob."

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Ole said, "Tell me how vould one wrong answer be better dan anudder?"

Manager: "Simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don' know.'

You put down, 'Neider do I'.

My wife got this one in an e-mail.

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

John was in the drive-through lane at the local Burger King, ordering a meal after a round of golf. The cashier admired his new Toyota Camry as she told him the amount owed. John fished through his pocket for money and brought out a few bills and some golf tees.

"What are those?" asked the girl.

"Those are what I rest my balls on when I drive," said John.

"My god," said the cashier. "Those Japanese think of everything."

...Why do I have the sense that these last two started life as "blonde" jokes?

Being blonde is no joke.

Lots of Swedes are blonde.

quote:

Lots of Swedes are blonde.

So is some furniture.

A little guy was standing in the bar, just staring at his drink. He had been that way several minutes when a big beefy truck driver stepped up beside him, took his drink, and downed it in one gulp. The little guy looked up and started crying. The truck driver said, “Don't cry man. I was only fooling with you. Here, I'll buy you another drink. But stop crying. I can't stand to see a man cry.” The little guy said, “I can't help it. This has been the wort day of my life. Nothing has gone right. I overslept this morning and was late for a very important meeting. My boss was so mad he fired me. I cleaned out my desk and went out to get in my car, only to find that someone had stolen it. So I took a taxi home. After I got out and the taxi had left I realized I had left my wallet with all my money and credit cards in it. I went into the house and found my wife in bed with my best friend. So I came here and I was thinking about ending it all when you jumped in and drank my poison.”

An older man suffered from a sexual dysfunction but Viagra and other producs failed to work their magic. He became frustrated, believing his sex life was over.

One night he overheard two people at thee bar discussing a problem similar to his. One man said he had gotten an enormous erection when he followed the advice of Dr. Chung in Chinatown.

Knowing of Dr. Chung, the listener made an appointment and talked to the good doctor.

"No ploblem," said Dr. Chung. "You get in bed with wife, take this pill, and say 'One, two, three'. Get huge hard. Then you have sex, and after finish, say 'One, two, three, four' and election go down. Pill miracle drug but remember, cannot use again for at least ten year due to possible side effects."

Happy as a clam, the man hurried home and that night climbed in bed with his wife. Taking the pill, he said, "One, two, three," and up popped his penis to more than full extension.

As he snuggled up to his wife, she said, "What did you say 'one, two, three for?"

That reminds me of this joke.

Double the pleasure! (Why didn't that turn up when I searched the DB?)

Sometimes when I do a Wordcraft search I find no hits or only a few hits, but if I repeat the search I get many more hits. I've mentioned this before but I can't find it.

JUmbo Joke reports: A blonde was the sole passenger in a two-seater airplane when the pilot suddenly has a heart attack and dies.

But she knew what to do: she had seen it in the movies! She grabs the radio microphone and calls out: "Mayday Mayday Mayday! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

Immediately a calm, reassuring voice replies. "This is Air Traffic Control," he says, "and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine. Give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm five-foot-four and I support Mitt Romney."

There's a long pause.

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "I didn't realize you were blonde. Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven...."

John was in a restaurant trying to eat a steak but his teeth were bothering him too much to chew. A man at the next table noticed him grimacing and said, "Are you have trouble with your false teeth?"
John admitted he was and the man reached into his coat pocket and extracted a new polished set of choppers. "Here," he said. "Try these."
John removed his dnetures and slipped in the new ones. He took a bite but, grimacing, said,"No, these won't work."
"Allow me," said the man. He reached into another pocket and pulled out another set of denture. "Try these."
John put them in, tried the steak, and said, "That's a little better."
"Try this set," said the man, bringing forth more teeth.
"Wow!" said John. "These fit perfectly. How much for them?"
"Nothing. Keep them," said the man.
"That's great," said John. "Are you a dentist?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "I'm an undertaker."

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather,
who was working in the yard and asked him,
"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask
such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was
looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied,
"Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

BARMAN: "You look unhappy, tonight, George. Something wrong?"
GEORGE: "The wife's just told me that she's expecting our first baby."
BARMAN: "Your first? Haven't you told me that you've got two kids already?"
GEORGE: "That's what I'm unhappy about."

A man came to hiswife oneday and asked, "You know we have three great kids. But two are handsome devils but the third is ugly as sin. Can you explain the discrepancy?"
"I don't know how to tell you but the ugly kid is yours."

Paraphrased from a 1797 Almanac:
A prosperous gentleman, on a long journey on business, stopped for the night at an inn. After supper he complained of severe stomach pains and the lady of the establishment offered a remedy. She said when she had the same symptoms, she would swallow a bullet and the metal would calm down her malady. The gentleman laughed and refused to accept her advice but, the next morning, still afflicted, he sought her out. She gave him a lead ball and, against his better judgment, gulped it down.

To his surprise, his stomach pains almost immediately abated. He was so pleased with the result that, on the trip back home, he again stopped at the inn. "That bullet was a real lifesaver," he told the lady.

"Yes, it is indeed," she said. "In ract, before I gave it to you, I had used it already about ten or twelve times."

quote:

"In ract, before I gave it to you, I had used it already about ten or twelve times."

There was a bit on QI about antimony being used by the Romans in much the same way. A Roman would take an antimony pill and then "rummage through his leavings", wash it off and reuse it.

Here's a modern update, and one that initially seems really gross - but it works: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fecal_bacteriotherapy

Been there, dne that.

A life insurance salesman called on an elderly woman, trying to sell her a policy. They spoke for almost an hour and, getting nervous and frusttrated, the salesman began munching on peanuts in a bowl on the coffee table. After a while he noticed he had eaten almost the entire bowlful.
"Oh, Im so sorry. I ate all your nuts," he said. "I'll have to buy you replacments. What kind were they?"
"Don't worry about it," said the woman. "My son brings me those every so often. I love M&Ms."
"No," said the salesman. "Those were peanuts, not M&Ms."
"No, they'e M&Ms. I can't eat the peanuts so I just gum off the chocolate part."

A country doctor was examining a 95-year-old woman and was amazed at her remarkable good health and spryness. He asked her, "Have you ever been bedridden?" "Oh, yes, many times," she replied. "And twice in a buggy."

Funny!

I heard a true story today at this conference, but it could be a joke. Someone who was raised in another culture and didn't have English as a first language said:

"If the man was divorced from his wife, I don't understand why he took her to the cleaners every day."

A Mercedes was hit by a Ford and wreckage was strewn all over the road. The Mercedes driver, a lawyer, leaped from the car and berated the other driver.
"Look what you've done to my car. You ruined my rich Corinthian leather and mahogany trim. My GPS is broken and my Bose radio is destroyed."
The other driver said,"You lawyers are so materialistic. You're not the least concerened that your arm has been torn off."
The lawyer looked at his missing arm and cried out, "Oh! MY God! What happened to my Rolex?"

Rich Corinthian leather??? That was used in a Chrysler advertising pitch thirty-five years ago, and Retardo Mendelbaum was the pitch man.

Who knows when this joke happened?

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
Who knows when this joke happened?

Certainly after the Chrysler advertisement mentioned - "GPS" is enough to give that away

quote:

GPS" is enough to give that away

Grey Poupon (Standard)?

There's a movement to limit psittacine population growth: Planned Parrothood.

Or to declare the Moon an official offspirng of the Earth: Planet Parenthood.

How do we know that God is a Republican? He's a rich old white man who lives in a gated community.

Here's one from the 70's that I heard n a rerun.

My grandmother keeps a tub full of goldfish. I asked her what does she do when she wants to take a bath. She said, "I blindfold them."

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
"I blindfold them."

To keep them from dying of fright?

I stole this joke from Language Log.


Two busty coeds—a Southern belle and a New England yankee—are in Florida on spring break. The belle turns to the yankee and asks, “So, where y'all from?”

The yankee turns up her nose and says, “I’m from a school where we don’t end sentences with prepositions.”

Without missing a beat, the belle replies, “So, where y'all from, bitch?”

The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses.

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'

I thought it was a bit early to get a Christmas card but one appeared in the day's mail It was from my bank and it said,

It's the time of the year cards are sent
But this isn't to be one of those.
Just a holiday hint: You best send your rent
Or, come New Year's, we're gonna forclose.

Mommy took her little boy to a department store and they stopped to talk to Santa. "And what would you like for Christmas, little boy?" asked St. Nick. The boy spent several minutes detailing his wish list.
Several days later, the father had care of the boy and took him to another store where they visited with Santa. "And what would you like for Christmas, little boy?" he asked.
The little boy stared at the old gentleman and said, "I think you should start writing this shit down."

So this verb walks into a bar, sees a gorgeous noun and says: "Hey baby, wanna conjugate?" And the noun says: "I decline."

(Hat-tip to Guardian Style Guide Twitter feed.)

The verb said, "Lift your skirt so I can put your asterisk."
"Why?" she asked. "So you can semi-colon?"

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense

Doctor: 'Sorry to hear that the Viagra I prescribed didn't work.'
Patient: 'No hard feelings, Doctor.'

Viagra: L. via, path, and PIE root gra, seed. Thus Viagra means seed path. Kinda makes sense!

I used "Viagra" in this OEDILF limerick defining "cuff":

An old codger (some call him a "cuff")
Told his sweetie (supine, in the buff):
"Once I chew this Viagra
I will spew like Niagara
But I may not be close to your muff."

Some scientists who study the nature of the universe add Alka Seltzer to champagne because it's a fizz-assist.

At the morning roll call, the CO told the first sergeant that Private Smith's mother had died. Could he break the news tactfully to him?

The sergeant called the company to attention and said, "I have some news. Private Smith's mother died." Smith dropped to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably.

The next morning at roll call, the CO told the first sergeant, "Private Walker's mother has died. Can you break it to him tactfully -- much more tactfully than you did yesterday with Private Smith."

The sergeant called the company to attention and said, "All men with mothers take a step forward. Hold on, Jones. Where do you think you're going?"

The weatherman on TV announced, "Due to the heavy snow that's forecast for this evening, everyone is asked to park on the even side of their road so the plows can get through." My wife went out and moved the car.

Several days later, the weatherman announced, "Please park your car on the odd side of the road so the plows can get through." My wife moved the car to the correct side of the street.

Later that week, she said, "The weatherman forecast more snow but I missed which side of the road to park on. What should I do?"

"I think," I said, "that leaving it in the garage won't hurt this time."

During the Sunday service, the minister proclaimed from the pulpit, "Without you, dear Lord, we are but dust..."
A little girl tugged at her mother's arm but the mother told her to be quiet until the end of the sermon.
Afterward, the mother asked the little girl what was so important.
"I just wanted to know, what is butt dust?"

Sent by a friend:


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.