Holmes spies a coprolite and says to Watson: "Fossilized giant cave bear shit."

"Amazing, Holmes, declares Watson," "But how did you know what it was?"

"Excrementary, my dear Watson"

Holmes and Watson were out camping and late one night, when all was still, Holmes was awakened by Watson nudging him.
"Holmes," said Watson. "What do you see?"
Holmes looked skyward and said, "I see God's handiwork in the splendor of the stars in the heaven, the wonders of the universe. What do you see?"
Watson said, "I see someone has stolen our tent."

Written this past weekend:

I was driving up the freeway the other night, and was being aggressively followed by a Volkswagen Beetle. Its driver absolutely
insisted on tailgating me, so I sped up a bit -- and it sped up a bit, too, still right on my tail.

Then I remembered what they tell you in the new-driver's manual -- to ward off a tailgater, slow down. So I dropped from 70 -- to 60 -- and
at 45 the Beetle was still right behind, and at this speed, running even closer.

My wife looked over at me, and I my entire face must have been twisted into a scowl, for she said, "What's the matter, hon? You look like you have a bug up your ass."

-- Bob Dvorak

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who was a Princess. Her father, the King, wanted to marry her off but there was one insurmountable problem. His daughter was cursed. Everything she touched melted. No matter what: wood, metal, stone, if she touched it, it dissolved immediately (although her personal adornments were specifically excluded).
Because of this, no man would come near her and none would dare marry her.
The King despaired and tried to think of some way to help his daughter.
He consulted all manner of wise men, wizards, witches and soothsayers. They all agreed: if the daughter could touch one thing without it melting, then the curse would end and she could live happily ever after.
So the King announced a competition. Anyone who could bring forth a substance that would not melt if his daughter touched it could have her hand in marriage.
Three young princes accepted the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest Damascus steel. The Princess touched it and it melted.
The second brought diamonds, the hardest substance know to man. But when the Princess touched the diamonds, they too melted.
The third prince approached and said to the Princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is there.”
She did as she was told. She felt something and it was hard and it did not melt.
The King was overjoyed and everyone celebrated. The Princess married the Prince and they lived happily ever after.
But what was in the Prince’s pants?

M&Ms, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What did you think it was, you pervert?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

quote:

Everything she touched melted. No matter what: wood, metal, stone, if she touched it, it dissolved immediately.

She must have been a sight for sore eyes. Her melting clothes must have melted a few hearts...

The "Princess" story has been edited to rectify a grievous inconsistency ferreted out by Richard English.

A man came home before his wife and decided to get ready for her return by taking a Viagra tablet. He left the open bottle on the counter while he got a glass of water and, upon returning, found the parrot with his beak in the bottle, scoffing down Viagra.
The parrot was his wife's darling and he was concerned at what effect the Viagra might have on the bird. While he was debating what ot do, his wife drove into the garage. So the man, without thinking, grabbed the bird and stuffed it into the freezer.
A few hours later, his own sexual tensions relieved, the man remembered the bird. Fearing that it had frozen to death, he approached the refrigerator with some trepidation.
He was surprised to find the sweat-covered bird pacing back and forth.
"You're OK!" he said. "But why are you sweating so much?"
"You'd sweat,too," said the bird, "if you spent the last two hours trying to pry open the legs on a frozen chicken."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

Natives of the Appalachian mountains were renowned for their hunting prowess. Jake was relaxing on his porch when Lem walked past with his gun.
“Howdy, Lem. You goin’ huntin’?” he asked.
“Yep, ah’m goin’ up ta Tollivers Bluff to look for b’ar.”
“Have you had much luck findin’ b’ar up thar?
“Shore have. Just t’other day ah was walking past the bluff and ah saw a b’ar a-sleepin’ in front of that big rock — you know the one that’s about fifty feet high and a hunnert feet long? And this ole b’ar was just a-snoozin’ so’s ah could jess see the top of his haid. So ah couldn’t get a clear shot, even though ah’am the best shot in this state.”
“Yep, you is the best. So did you manage to get a bead on ‘im?”
“Well, ah figured ah could bouncet a bullet off the big rock and make it ricochet into the back of that b’ar’s haid, so ah took careful aim and farred.”
“Did you hit the b’ar?”
“No, ah missed the rock.”

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

A man went to his doctor complaining he didn’t feel too good. The doctor asked how old he was and the man said, “I just turned forty.”

The doctor asked, “When was the last time you had your testicles cleaned?”

“Testicles cleaned!? said the patient. “I didn’t know anything like that was done.”

“Oh, we do it all the time in outpatient clinics. Very simple operation.”

“Well, OK, doc. If you think it will help, go ahead.”

The doctor slit open the patient’s testicles and took out two very dirty balls. He handed them to a student nurse and asked her to take them next door to the kitchen, clean them off and hurry back with them.

The nurse was very nervous and when the doctor called for her to return with the balls, she got even more nervous and dropped the balls down the disposal. She frantically searched the kitchen for a substitute and found two pearl onions.

She gave the onions to the doctor, who sewed them into the scotal sac.

The next week the man returned for a checkup. When the doctor asked how he was doing, the patient said, “I feel great! But I do have three minor complaints. I cry every time I pee, I get an erection every time I pass a MacDonald’s, and I can’t have sex with my wife because it gives her awful heartburn.”

quote:

Originally posted by Richard English:

quote:

Everything she touched melted. No matter what: wood, metal, stone, if she touched it, it dissolved immediately.

She must have been a sight for sore eyes. Her melting clothes must have melted a few hearts...

That's an incomplete quote. It should be

"Everything she touched melted. No matter what: wood, metal, stone, if she touched it, it dissolved immediately (although her personal adornments were specifically excluded)."

I would say her clothes qualify as "personal adornments."

Tinman,

Richard was correct. If you read my followuup post, I mentioned I added the italized portion to correct the inconsistency. But don't blame me for it --- I just report what happened to her.

A mouse and an elephant were drinking in a bar when a beautiful giraffe entered. It was love at first sight for the mouse and, encouraged by the elephant, he bought a drink for the giraffe. After a few minutes the two left the bar together.

The next day, the elephant was having a drink when the mouse staggered in.

“How did it go last night?” asked the elephant.

“It was great but exhausting.” said the mouse. “Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles.”

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.

Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Funny, Bob. And welcome back to WC!

I know it's early but Santa has complained that the IRS audit put liens on everything he owned. In fact he sent a message to everyone this year:

I’m writing this letter to tell you
High taxes have taken away
The things I most sorely needed
My reindeer, my elves and my sleigh
So I’m making my rounds this Christmas
On a mule that is balky and slow
And if you don’t see me till New Year’s
I’ll be out on my ass in the snow.

I've mentioned before that I prefer writing my own bombs to passing on someone else's. My latest effort, herewith:
---
One summer afternoon, Nick and Tom, suffering from teen boredom, discovered a new competition: who could make the biggest water
balloon from a condom.

Armed with one apiece, and the garden hose -- Tom's grew to about 22 inches before giving way; Nick's made it to nearly 24.

The following afternoon, Tom made it almost to 25, but Nick, opting for a cheapo in rust orange, only got to about 17.

The third day, as Nick arrived at Tom's house, Tom waved another condom. "Ready for the rubber game?"

-- Bob Dvorak

An executive in New York was suddenly transferred out of the country and didn’t return to the city until twenty years later.

Going through his belongings, he found a repair ticket for shoes he had brought to the repair shop that he had never picked up.

That day, he drove past the cobbler’s shop, expecting it to be razed and replaced with a skyscraper, and was surprised to find it still in the same spot and open for business. He went in and presented the old, wizened owner with his claim check.

The cobbler went into the back room and could he heard rummaging through a multitude of shoes.

Eventually he returned and said to the executive, “They’ll be ready next Thursday.”

Rearranging the clutter in his attic, our hero found a book with a small piece of paper between its mildewed pages. On the paper was some writing that he was totally unable to read. The Pharmacist is the best educated man in town, so he took it to the Pharmacy. The Pharmacist glanced at the note, then disappeared into the back room.

Pretty soon he came out with a bottle of pills. "That'll be nine ninety-five," he said.

After thirty years of serving the community, the local eye doctor was retiring. His friends planned a tribute to him and spent the evening extolling his long and distinguished career.

Finally the time came for the master of ceremonies to present the good doctor with a gift from his friends. After much praise for the doctor's achievements, the MC pulled a cloth from a large painting of an eye with the doctor's face centered in the iris.

The doctor was choked up at the gift and said,"This picture makes me glad I changed my medical major to eye surgery instead of gynecology."

Unfortunately, I'm not so sure this is a joke.

The government had a scrap yard in the desert. With the rise in price of metal, Congress became concerned that thieves might sneak in during the night and steal and sell some of the scrap. So Congress created a night watchman position and hired a man to do the job.

A little while later, Congress worried that the watchman might goof off and not do the job properly, so they created a planning department and hired two people; one to write the instructions and the other to carry out the studies.

But then Congress became anxious that the watchman might not be following instructions so they created a quality control department and hired two people; one to do the studies and one to write the report.

And Congress said, “How are these people going to be paid?” So they created a payroll department and hired two people: an accountant and a bookkeeper.

And a Senator said, “Who will be responsible for these people?"

So Congress created an administrative department: an administrator, and assistant to the administrator, and a legal counsel.

Then Congress said, “We have had this department in operation for a year and are over sixteen thousand dollars over budget. We must cut costs.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

Re Eye Doctor: I heard this as proctology, not gynecology.

Re Scrap heap: The Rhode Island version of this is similar, except that the real reason for the additional employees was that someone's brother-in-law needed a job, and that no one ever gets fired.

They DO get fired in RI but it's more of a lateral shift than a tossing-out.

And I find the gyno image cracks me up.

A little girl came running into the house to her father and asked, "Daddy, can I get pregnant?"

Taken aback, the father managed to get out a flustered, "No, honey. You're way too young."

The little girl thanked him and ran out of the house, yelling, "OK, boys. Back under the porch. Same game."

During Wkorld War II, an American soldier, just returned from intense action on the German front lines, had been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded. The soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was next to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest. But after another trip to the end of the train, he again found himself facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

quote:

"Daddy, can I get pregnant?"

My father's response would have been:

"You can, but you certainly may not.

Spoils the joke, of course.

Some of these are pretty funny. Apparently they are all true stories. Being a nurse, I liked this one:

quote:

2. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
--Patsy R. Dancey

But not this one:

quote:

4. I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn't help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, "Have you had a hysterectomy before?"
--Terry Wisener

This one was also funny:

quote:

29. Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
--Louis Allard

As a docent at the local zoo, I made a list of:

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Zoo — But Aren’t
10. Go ahead and touch my snake
9. Look at the bone that guy has!
8. Is that the world’s biggest beaver?
7. Careful, it’s a maneater
6. Do they eat their mates after sex?
5. Put that animal back in its pen!
4. Isn’t that some beautiful tail?
3. It’s really not as slimy as it looks
2. Can you direct me to the cathouse?
1. Feel it. It doesn’t bite.

quote:

As a docent at the local zoo, I made a list of:

And when we were at Columbus zoo during the recent Wordcraft Convention, I never heard a single one of them ;(

Columbus is obviously a more refined venue.

A bombshell blonde goes out golfing one afternoon on the local Par 3. At the fourth tee, she slices yet again, the ball headed off the fairway to somewhere between the rough and oblivion.

Throwing down her driver, she bursts into tears. "I don't know why I bothered taking all those f***ing lessons!"

The caddy gives her a quick look. "Maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead."

Perhaps I shouldn't tell a true story in this venue but a baby goat was recently born at our zoo. She was immediately taken away from her mother by zoo staff and they began feeding her hot dogs. They hope doing this will make it easy to wiener.

Edited for error. Thanks to Jerry Thomas for noting that Proofreader missed a typo.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
Perhaps I shouldn't tell a true story in this venue but a baby goat was recently born at our zoo. She was immediately taken away from her mother by zoo staff and they began feeding her hot dogs. They hope doing this will make it easy to weiner.

They're kidding!

quote:

They're kidding!

That's bahhhd.

This thread is going from bahhhd to wurst.

Let's be frank. I agree.

This thread appears to be stuck in a rut.

Meanwhile, the zookeeper had a brother named Joseph who was experimenting in cross-breeding goats. It didn't improve the milk production, but Joseph did end up with a goat of many colors...

Jack and John owned a failing bungee-jumping company. A friend told them that since they couldn’t compete successfully against Americans, they should move to Mexico where there is little or no bungee-jumping. So they moved their operation to Mexico City and et up a 150-foot tower to demonstrate their new sport to the gathered crowd.

John tied the bungee cord to his ankles and leaped off the tower while Jack watched from above. 150 feet toward the ground hurtled John, then he bounced back up to the platform, his shirt and pants ripped to tatters. Down he went again and when he popped back up, his body was covered with cuts and bruises.

Jack immediately pulled the John back to the platform and said, “What happened? Did you hit the ground?”

“No,” said John. “I didn’t hit the ground. But, tell me, what exactly is a pinata?”

Spelling corrected thanks to the eagle eye of Richard English. Proofreader misses two typos in two days!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

quote:

“No,” said John. “I didn’t hit the ground. But, tell me, what exactly is a pinyata?”

Do you mean a piñata?

No. It's an American translation.

quote:

No. It's an American translation.

But it means the same? Pinyata isn't in any dictionaries I can find.

A joke, Richard. It's a misspelling. I don't have a tilde for the 'n' even if it was correctly spelled.

Let me correct that. I assume deep within the bowels of Windows lurks a character that can be accessed with a tilde over it. I cannot find it if it does exist.

I genuinely wanted to know.

And to produce any foreign symbol, although there is surely the proper "mysterious symbol" key, I find that often the easiest is to compose the passage in Word and then simply copy and paste into the application.

Word, of course, has all sorts of characters built in and you can easily access them using the "insert symbol" command.

Waltzing My tilde your way: Hold down the "alt" key and type 0241. As in ñaññy goat. Sorry to butt in on your pun fest, but I just had to milk it a bit myself!
http://tlt.psu.edu/suggestions/international/accents/codealt.html

Idiot that I am, after writing the last post, I recalled the "Character Map" feature on Windows.
Duh! I just don't stand a goat of a chance with you.

In a lot of words it makes no difference if the tilde is used or not ..... There are some, however, where it makes a very significant difference ........ Take "ano" for example. "¿Cuántos años tienes?" = How old are you? ......... but ...... "Cuántos anos tienes?" = How many anuses do you have?" ........

"Pinata" is not a Spanish word, but a piñata is a piñata.

And the tilde arose as a scribe's way of writing nn. The tilde is a small n, written above, presumably to save linear space.

And now that Proofreader knows how to do it, he can do it tilde cows come home...

quote:

he can do it tilde cows come home

Upun my words, I've herd enough.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Smell mop

Smell mop who?

Either a line is missing, or

You had to be there,or

It's over my head (not for the last time).