quote:

The blond leaned over the counter and slowly said, 'Burrrr gerrrr Kiiiing.' "

Something like that really happened to me at the Black Bull pub in Godmanchester!

Two hunters hire a light plane to go on a trip to the Canadian wilderness. They succeed in shooting six moose (Mooses? Meese?) and start to load the carcasses onto the plane. The pilot objects, saying that they will overload the plane, but they insist, stating that they hired the same type of plane the previous year and that the pilot hadn't objected when they loaded the six trophies they gained. The pilot gives in, and they take off, only to crash a little while later.

One of the hunters turns to the other as they crawl out of the wreckage,
"Where are we?"
"Not far from where we crashed last year, I think." says the other.

Man in Computer Store (on the phone with the Blonde) : Right click on your desktop.

Blonde: Wait till I find a pen.

Man : Why do you need a pen?

Blonde: So I can write "click" on my desktop.

. . .. ... ..... ........ ..... ... .. . .

The humor in the currently popular "dumb blonde" joke comes from sharing the vignette with US -- members of the fast-growing group of successful computer users who are "in the know," as we poke fun at THEM -- the ignorant beginners. It's cruel, but some think it's funny, too.

Who knows what their blondness has to do with their ignorance ???

quote:

Originally posted by arnie:
One of the hunters turns to the other as they crawl out of the wreckage,
"Where are we?"
"Not far from where we crashed last year, I think." says the other.

ROFL!! o-)--)... >gasp<

Yes, hilarious, Jerry and arnie. Interesting that it was "right click on your desktop." I'd say "right click on my mouse."

arnie, since the plural of mouse is mice, I think the plural of moose should be meese.

quote:

Originally posted by Kalleh:
Yes, hilarious, Jerry and arnie. Interesting that it was "right click on your desktop." I'd say "right click on my mouse."

Different meanings though.

"Desktop" is jargon for the display on your screen when you are not showing any open applications. And "Right click on your desktop" means click somewhere on the screen where there is no icon".

Dubya is at a reception and he spots a man with long hair and beard, wearing a robe and sandals, and carrying a staff.
"That guy looks like Moses." he thinks.
He calls across to the man, "Hey, are you Moses?"
The man ignores him totally and acts as if he's not heard him. Dubya asks a secret service man if he thinks the man looks like Moses, and the SS man agrees.
The SS man goes over to the man who looks like Moses and asks him, "Are you Moses?"
"Yes."
"Why are you ignoring the President?"
"The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up wandering with my people in the desert for years, and ended up leading them to the only spot in the area with no oil!"

Blinded by passion and the darkness caused by the power outage, he heard her voice ...

She said, "Take off my t-shirt and my bra."

Needing only minimal help with the bra's catch device he carried out her order. As he tossed those garments aside he heard her say, "Now take off my panties."

That settled it. He had been trying to decide whether this was his U.S. girlfriend or his U.K. paramour. This one was American, for sure; had she been British she most likely would have said "Nickers," or maybe "Knickers." Not "panties."

He took off her panties just in time to hear her say, "Now don't you ever let me catch you WEARING MY CLOTHES again."

A woman goes to the doctor for a checkup. The nurse asks "How much do you weigh?"
The woman answers "130 pounds.".
The nurse asks her to get on the scales and it turns out she weighs 150 pounds.
Next, she asks "How tall are you?"
"Five foot nine inches."
She measures her and finds she is in fact only five foot four.
The nurse then takes the woman's blood pressure: "Oh dear! Your blood pressure's rather high."
The woman screams "Are you surprised? I walked in here tall and slim and am now short and fat!"

Q: What do sperm and lawyers have in common?
A: One in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.

I know so many jokes I don't post them anywhere any more unless they're my original material. I have hundreds that are all of one particular variety. The one that I'm probably most proud of:

---
While dining at a local cozy restaurant recently, my spouse and I were serenaded by a young man wielding a guitar. Grinning at us, he sang [... go ahead, sing along]:

"In a tavern, my companion,
Diced potatoes, poured the wine.
Broth the taste out, consommé-tin',
Delicious soup, on which to dine."

As he spread his hands apart to receive a round of applause, I asked him, "Is this intended to be a sample of your musical talent?"

"No," he replied. "Just a soupçon of my wit."

-- Bob Dvorak (aka lisztman)

Ah, Dvorak, I've enjoyed your music.

I enjoy Liszt's as well.

I enjoy getting Brahms and Liszt occasionally ...

quote:

I enjoy getting Brahms and Liszt occasionally ...

Only occasionally...?

Please invite me to your next Bach-anal.

"Here at last, Liszt! You were missed," they said lisplessly.

Franz, Romanz, countrymen, lend me your ears..."

What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

A prostitute looks up and says, "You done yet?" The mistress looks up and says, "You done already?" The wife looks up and says, "Honey, I think the ceiling needs some paint."

And, this being a <words> site, the colloquialism of my last post struck me -- because one cannot have a difference between three things. One can have a difference between two. Or differences among three. I've been told that "among" is pedantic. Sorry. Sister Mary Arthur would be very unhappy to know that I have supposed anything between more than two prepositional objects.

But, Bob, with the first two women, it's the object of the propositon!

Annnnd, a dominatrix would look down and say, " I'm not done yet!"

The IRS Hates Losing

Bob is called into the local IRS office for an audit and takes his lawyer with him.

The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it” says Bob. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Bob says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Bob removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Bob says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Bob isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Bob removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Bob’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Bob asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Bob stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Bob’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Bob told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official’s desk and that he’d be happy about it.”

Another original groaner...
--------
Seamus walked into O'Malley's bar one evening, as was his wont most evenings. As he pulled up his customary stool, Sean O'Malley was topping off his customary pint. But just as Sean placed the beer on the bar, a fellow climbed onto a dais behind Sean and began reciting in a Very Loud Voice:

"There shall be no fisticuffs."
"No patron shall be served more than two drinks at one time."
"No Smoking. By order of the City of New York."
"Management reserves the right..."

As the voice droned on, Seamus motioned Sean over. "What's with the grandstanding back there?"

Sean answered, "I was watching TV the other night. There was some news thing about how business really improves when you do this. I haven't figured out how he's going to help me with my inventory yet, but give me a few days."

Seamus said, "But what IS he DOING?"

Came the reply, "He's my new Bar Code Reader."

This is not original. Just a group of ten very high quality puns.

How many of them made You smile ??

2 and 10, with 7 an honorable mention.

"My wife has cut down our sex life to once a month." "Still, I suppose I can't complain ..."
"Why not?"
"Several men she's cut out completely."

Q: Who's man's best friend -- his dog or his wife?

A: The dog. Lock both in a closet for four hours. When you open the door, which one is happy to see you?

A group of African explorers were having dinner in a restaurant and got very noisy as the evening went on. At one point, one man said, "It's W-O-O-M--B-B, I tell you."
"No, no,"said another. "There's only one 'B'. It's W-W-O-O-M--B, I tell yolu."
But another explorer disagreed. "It's W-H-O-O-O-M," he insisted.
A young woman having supper nearby became exasparated and strode to the table and yelled,"It's W-O-M-B, you idiots!" and stalked out of the dining room.
The men sat, shocked, for several moments and finally one said, "Do you think she's right?"
"Of course not," said another man. "How would a sweet young thing like that know the sound of an elephant fart?"

That joke is a big hit at the local zoo where I am a docent.

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A zoo docent revealed his punny side in public and was arrested for in-docent exposure.

quote:

Burrrr gerrrr Kiiiing

This reminded me of a story I've heard in various tellings. The following is my favorite, because it allows the double punch line.

Two very junior back-benchers went on a fishing trip in the wilds of Scotland. They rented a boat, and set out upon the river. Soon a terrific storm arose, accompanied by a thick fog and tumultuous winds.

Hours later, once the storm passed, they found themselves in unknown territory. One, spotting a local on the distant bank, halloed, "Say, can you tell us where we are?"

The local halloed back, "Why sure, you be in a boat in the middle of the river."

At which one turned to the other and said, "That's a perfect Parliamentary answer. It is completely accurate, but conveys no useful information whatsoever."

A shepherd was tending his flock one day when suddenly a Hummer appeared from nowhere and screeched to a stop in front of him. A man in a Brooks Brothers suit, wearing a Rolex watch, Gucci loafers, and an Armani tie, climbed out and said, “If I tell you how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one of them?”
The startled shepherd agreed.
Reaching into the Hummer, the man pulled out a laptop, attached it to a dish antenna, and dialed up a satellite. He downloaded NASA photos of the area, then opened Excel on the computer. After punching in heaps of numbers, weather patterns, astrological signs, Boolean equations, and generating a foot-high pile of spreadsheets, he pointed to a printout on his miniaturized printer and announced, “You have exactly 1,573 sheep in this herd.”
“You’re correct ,” said the shepherd. “As agreed, you get one of my sheep.”
The man made a selection and began to load it into the back of the Hummer.
“I’ll make a bet with you,” said the shepherd. “If I can guess what your occupation is, I get my property back.”
“You’ll never guess, so it’s a bet.”
“You’re a consultant.”
“That’s right. How did you guess?”
“Easy. You turn up even though no one invited you. You want to get paid to answer a question I never asked. Then you give me information I already knew. And you don’t know anything about my business.”
“Really? How do you come to that conclusion?”
“Because you took my dog.”

Guy: "I'll do anything if you'll sleep with me!"
Girl: "Get lost."
Guy: "It's a deal!"

Man walks into a bar, sits down next to a woman.

He: Pardon me, but I'm doing research for my PhD, could I ask you a few questions?

She: Sure, what about?

He: Well, my topic is the relationship between temptation and reward, in general, and specifically, women's attitude toward sex.

She (looking the guy over and concluding that he's sort of cute): How interesting.

He: For example, if I gave you $1,000,000, would you sleep with me?

She (looking him over even more closely, and figuring that she could do a lot worse): Well, you seem like a nice clean guy, I suppose so.

He: Well, how about for $20?

She: Just what do you think I am?

He: We've just established that, now we are haggling about the price.

A rich woman, concerned that men only desired her for her wealth, instructed her assistants to search the world for a man she could marry safe in the knowledge that he didn’t want to possess her money. She further required that he never had heard of her before and he must also have never been with a woman before.
It seemed an impossible task but her aides found just the man she wanted, an inhabitant of Australia’s Outback who lived miles from the nearest town and civilization. He agreed to marry the woman and they soon left on their honeymoon.
They spent their first night together in a swank hotel on the Riviera. The woman retired to the bathroom to prepare herself and was surprised to find on her return that her new mate was piling expensive furniture against the walls.
“What on earth are you doing?” she asked.
“Well, lie-dee, I don’t know how it is with you women but if it’s anything like with a kangaroo, we’re going to need plenty of room.”

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

The bell-ringer at a church dies and the sexton puts an ad in the paper for a replacement. There’s a knock at the door and the sexton finds an armless man, very drunk, waiting.

“What do you want?” he asks.

“I’m here for the job,” says the man.

“Here for the job? How can you possibly ring a bell?”

“Give me a try,” says the man.

So the sexton leads him into the belfry. The man stands back from the bell and then runs directly at it, hitting it full force with his face. The bell rings with an unusually beautiful peal, impressing the sexton. The man steps back and runs at the bell again but staggers and falls fifty feet into the courtyard.

The police come and ask the sexton if he knew who the man was. “No,” says the sexton, “but his face rings a bell.”

The next day, another knock and the sexton finds a clone of the first man there, equally armless. “What do you want?”

“I came for the job.”

“Oh, no. I can’t hire you after yesterday’s accident,” says the sexton.

“Yeah,” says the man. “That was my brother, but I’m not drunk and I won’t fall. Give me a chance.”

So the sexton takes him into the belfry and the second man also rings the bell with his face, making an awe-inspiring clang. But he, too, falls off the belfry into the courtyard. When the police come they ask the sexton if he knew the second man.

“No,” says the sexton, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

And if that isn't the world's worst joke, I don't know what is.

After a while they resumed the search for a bell ringer, and a beautiful woman applied. While this bordered on the heretical, she proceeded to play a small set of bells for the sexton, and he was amazed by her ability. He assumed that she had to be daemon-possessed to play so well. Nevertheless he allowed her to demonstrate on the church bells, and, just as it was with the little ones, she proved to be a virtuoso bell ringer!

The sexton conferred with the vicar, fearing that the woman was really a daemon. The vicar contacted the bishop, who sent the following message: Send not to ask for whom the belle tolls, she tolls for thee!

Robert Goulet rides on stage upon a dromedary. The director blurts out, "Where did you get that beast!" Goulet replies, "Camel lot."

A rookie Egyptologist wanted to explore the desert for two weeks and sought out a camel dealer for a rental. He was told a camel could only go for ten days without water but if you bricked him, he could go for two weeks. Not wanting to appear a novice, and not knowing what "bricked" meant, the explorer agreed on the camel rental, figuring an extra four days without water wouldn't be a problem.

Of course, after eleven days without water, the camel died.

Eventually the Egyptologist was found wandering the Sinai by a bedouin, saved from a torrid death by his ministrations. When told of the reason for his dire straits, the bedouin asked, "Did you brick the camel?"

"No, I didn't. I didn't know what it means."

"It's a simple process," said the bedouin. "When the camel is bent over sucking in the water for the ten days, you sneak up behind him and slam his testicles between two bricks, causing him to go TH-TH-TH-TH-TH, thus taking in sufficient water for the other four days."

"Oh, my god!" said the rookie. "Doesn't that hurt?"

"Only if you catch your thumbs."

After serving in the Foreign Legion for several months, August was getting quite needful of a woman. A fellow soldier said, "Alors, you could take Mathilde." "Who is Mathilde," August asked. "The company camel, said his fellow soldier. "Oh, non, NON!" I do not want to take Mathilde," August blurted. "Ah, well, when you have sufficient need," said his compatriot.

Finally, after a year, August could stand it no longer. He put in his request for Mathilde, and was assigned the following Thursday for his turn with her. After doing the deed, others began pointing at him and laughing. "What is so funny," he asked his fellow soldier." "The rest of us ride Mathilde into town and find a woman!"

After a long tour of duty in the desert, a new Foreign Legionairre was told by his buddy that "Tonight is sex night."

The young recruit was perplexed since they were miles away from the nearest lady-of-the-evening. But his buddy advised him they would use a camel as a substitute.

More than a little horny, the legionairre recruit and his friend went to the corral where the camels awaited them. Atop the fence, the rest of the troop prepared to leap at a signal into the corral.

"Why are those men so anxious to get into the corral? There are more than enough camels to go around," said the recruit.

"Ah, my friend," said his buddy, "nobody wants to get an ugly one."

quote:

And if that isn't the world's worst joke, I don't know what is.

Perhaps there's a better place for this, but, from today's Washington Post:

quote:

Kerry and McCain "went through the ringer together."

Sad.

A company of soldiers retreated to lick their wounds after the battle of Antietam.
The captain wanted to put the men up for the night at a farm but was told there was only enough room for one man.
“Who is the worst wounded man, Sergeant?” he asked.
“Corporal Peters, sir,” said the sergeant.
“Very well,” said the captain. “Leave him here and we’ll continue on to find refuge.”
Further down the road they came across a huge plantation with an enormous mansion. The captain knocked at the door and was greeted by a wizened old Southern lady who asked what he needed.
“We’d like to billet here for the night if you have the room,” he said.
“How many of you are there?” she asked.
“Let’s see. There should be one hundred twelve without Peters.”
“Oh,” said the woman. “The tragedies of woe-ah.”


Two social workers were walking and one asked the other, "Do you have the time?"

"No, I don't have a watch."

"Oh, that's OK. At least we talked about it."

A wqgon train making its way westward ran short of provisions. As they neared the top of a hill, the wagon master saw a little Jewish peddler coming down the hill pulling a cart.
“Sir, is there any food in the area?” asked the wagon master.
“Oy, just over the hill, there’s a big bacon tree,” said the peddler.
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon master, incredulous.
“A giant bacon tree, just over the hill.”
Impressed with all the West had to offer, the wagon master decided it wouldn't hurt to see this amazing vegetation and ordered his wagons forward.
As they crested the hill and started down the slope, an enormous band of Indians attacked. The wagon master was the only survivor and he dashed back down the road, overtaking the peddler.
“You SOB,” he yelled. “You said there was a bacon tree over the hill but never once mentioned there were Indians there.”
“Oh, no,” said the peddler. “Did I say ‘bacon tree’? I meant ‘ham bush.’

Two English explorers met at their club.
"I say, old boy," said one. "I heard you had a big set-to on your last trip to Africa."
"Indeed, indeed," said the second man. "I had just awoken in the early morning and left my hut to go to the nearby stream to perform my daily ablutions.
"As I was washing, I looked up and saw a large lion stalking me, ready to leap. I had no weapon, no clothes, and was over 100 meters from the protection of my hut.
"I immediately began to run for the hut but the lion leaped at me. Just before he got me, the lion slipped and fell and I ran a little distance until he once again came after me.
Once again as he leaped, he slipped and fell and I at last gained the safety of my hut."
"My God, man!" said the first explorer. "If that had happedened to me, I would have beshat myself."
"What do you think the lion kept slipping on?"

It sounds quite right and appropriate that these were English explorers - but why should that be? Other countries had explorers as well and the nationality has nothing to do with the joke.

Apparently only the English go naked in lion country.

If you want, you can always revise it to start this way:
Two Chinese explorers met at their club.
"I say, old boy," said one. "I heard you had a big set-to on your last trip to Africa."
"Indeed, indeed," said the second man. "I had just awoken in the early morning and left my hut to go to the nearby stream to perform my daily ablutions.

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The newly-weds returned from their honeymoon and the bride decided to make as their first meal together her husband's favorite: pork and beans.
"Ummm! This is great, honey!" he said.
The next night the bride, not wanting to make a mistake, had the pork and beans again.
"Good, honey," said her husband.
She couldn't think of anything he liked better so the next night she served beans and pork.
The husband was quiet, then said, "Hebrews 13:8."
The surprised wife, thinking he was saying grace, said, "Amen."
The next night's meal was pork and beans.
The husband said, "Hebrews 13:8!"
"Amen," said his wife.
But she immediately took out their King James Bible and looked up the verse.
There she found: "Jesus Christ the same yesterday and today and tomorrow and forevermore."

Or you can have a generic explorer joke:

At dawn as I walked from my hut
To the river to clean face and gut
A lion who attacked
Fell as I back-tracked
He slipped on the slop from my butt

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