...and if that late great harpsichordist Wanda Landowska had married Howard Hughes, then divorced him to marry Henry Kissinger, wouldn't we Wanda Hughes Kissinger now?
Okay, okay, OKAY!
I process checks at work, which is kinda fun--looking at people's last names, and how they choose to define themselves.
I adore hyphenated last names for women, especially when they're something like "Wong-
O'Brien". And that is a name I've seen.
There's a customer with the last name 'Wedeking'. That made me laugh by itself. (I thought of Mel Brooks' "It's good to be the king!")
Also, we have 'Uedeking's as customers. In my mind, that's pronounced "You da king".
And, there's a customer, gawd love 'er, named 'Ida King'.
If she married a Uedeking, hyphenated the last names, named her daughter 'Ida' and she ALSO hyphenated the last names when she married a Wedeking...
Her name would be Ida King-Uedeking-Wedeking.
Which makes me howl with laughter, but makes others encourage me to "get a life".
Unfortunately, they never have one on sale anywhere!
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
"The End is near! Turn yourself around now and be saved before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
This may be one of those jokes where you had "to be there" to really enjoy it. As you all know, I am a nurse. For years Shufitz has complained that I have absolutely no sympathy for all his minor ailments and complaints.
Fast forward to today in an elevator filled with nurses from my convention. We all began to talk about how our families complain that we have no sympathy. Then came this:
Sympathy...after all, it is in the dictionary between sh-- and syphilis! [Pardon my French!]
I have never heard so much laughter in my life!
Actually it comes between sympathectomy and sympatric - which is actually just as funny if you think about all those nurses in that same area!
In a published work the author tells that he was reviewing one of the earliest thesaurus-programs on computer. If computer's database did not include the requested word -- say "erudite" -- the computer would respond:
ERUDITE NOT FOUND. SHOULD BE BETWEEN ERROR AND ERUPT
The reviewer got such responses over and over -- and over -- until in exasperation, he entered the wold "fuck". (Well, admit it, haven't you ever told a computer to f*** itself?) The computer rejoined:
FUCK NOT FOUND. SHOULD BE BETWEEN FRUSTRATE AND FULFULL
From Lincoln Talks: An Oral Biography edited by Emanuel Hertz (Viking Press, 1939; Bramhall House, 1986), p. 23:
Lincoln, being questioned one day in regard to some of his reputed mistakes, replied: "That reminds me of a minister and a lawyer who were riding together; says the minister to the lawyer:
"'Sir, do you ever make mistakes in pleading?'
"'I do,' says the lawyer.
"'And what do you do with mistakes,' inquired the minister.
"'Why, sir, if large ones, I mend them; if small ones, I let them go,' said the lawyer. 'And pray, sir,' continued he, 'do you ever make mistakes in preaching?'
"'Yes, sir, I do.'
"'And what do you do with mistakes?' said the lawyer.
"'Why, sir, I dispose of them in the same manner that you do. Not long since,' he continued, 'as I was preaching, I meant to observe that the devil was the father of liars, but made a mistake, and said the father of lawyers. The mistake was so small that I let it go.'"
--Honest Old Abe's Jokes
A New York Police Officer noticed a young man walking on a crowded city sidewalk with a pig on a leash.
"You can't walk your pig here," he said. "Take it to the Zoo!"
The next day the same cop saw the same young man with the same pig downtown, but this time the pig was wearing a baseball cap and dark glasses.
"I told you to take your pig to the Zoo," he said.
"Yes, Officer, I did that yesterday, and he enjoyed it so much that today I've decided to take him to the ball game."
Shufitz and I heard a story this weekend where a friend's parents went to a costume party dressed as farmers (not sure what exactly?)--to which they added a live pig as part of their costume!
Back in the 1950s, the Milwaukee Braves and the New York Yankees were in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.
After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last player that faced Mel. "Tell me", he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"?
The player replied, "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
Good one, Rick!!
And I wonder if, for the benefit of our friends in other countries, someone should point out that the company slogan for Schlitz (?) Beer is It's the beer that made Milwaukee famous
Naw!! They probably know that already !!
[This message was edited by jerry thomas on Tue Oct 14th, 2003 at 22:05.]
Good to see you, Rick!
There's a Chicago connection, it seems. This link, in telling the larger story of how Milwaukee became the main beer-brewing city of North America, has this to say:
Colonel Sanders discovered that sales of KFC have dropped away alarmingly. He phoned his friend the pope and said, "I wonder if you could do me a favour? In the morning prayers, instead of saying 'Give us this day our daily bread' perhaps you could tell the priests to say, 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' I'll give $100,000 to the Church if you help me."
The pope explained that the prayer was laid down in the Bible, so he couldn't help.
A couple of months later Col Sanders found that sales were still doing badly. He phoned the pope again and upped his offer to $10,000,000.
The pope called a meeting of the cardinals and said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that KFC are giving us $10,000,000. The bad news is that we've lost the Wonderloaf account."
There was the woman who put her identical twin boys up for adoption. One was sent to Egypt, and his new parents named him Amal. The other was sent to Mexico and named Juan.
Years later, Juan learned he was adopted and tracked down his birth parents. He sent them a long letter and a picture.
The mother cried, and said to her husband, "I wish Amal would send me a picture so I could see what he looks like now."
Her husband shrugged, and replied, "They're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd:
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one? The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business...
Now give me back my dog."
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,
while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir,
you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for
the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for
the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the
nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been
quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I
work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who
had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side
and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering
repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up.
I should have never taken that job at 7-Up.
I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...
10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis ... This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
How about "We try harder"?
Here's an old one from Joan Rivers based on her visit to England years ago:
"I think my husband is having an affair with the Queen of England. Yeah, he came home last night with tiara marks on his stomach!"
Maybe George Dubya can work that one into conversation sometime during his visit this week. It would do wonders for both Anglo-American relations and England's tar and feather industries.
One math book to another: "I don't know about you, but I've got problems!"
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking
past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's
heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good
news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of
another patient, I think you've regained your senses".
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt
of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street, when all of a sudden one cried out "Oh, no! I've lost my electron!"
The other one said, "Are you positive?"
This is no joke, and I didn't know where else to post it, but FWIW, here is the byline on a recent news story from Georgia.
By MISHA DZHINDZHIKHASHVILI, Associated Press Writer
I hereby nominate Misha for the "Most Remarkable Name" award.
Before anyone asks, it's pronounced the same way it's spelt.
As CJ points out ,,,
That's what makes Russian so easy to learn ==> It's consistently fonnetikh.
Oh, no! I've lost my electron!"
The other one said, "Are you positive?"
I hope his pal took him to hospital where they could helium.
That name looks Georgian to me. Here's the Georgian Rugby team that started in the Rugby World Cup match against England:
B Khamashuridze, M Urjukashvili, T Zibzibadze, I Guiorgadze, V Katsadze (capt); P Jimsheladze, I Abusseruudze; G Shvelidze, A Guiorgadze, A Margvelashvili; Z Mtchedlishvili, V Didebulidze; G Labadze, G Yachvili, G Chkhaidze
Imagine being the commentator at that game!
[This message was edited by arnie on Sat Nov 22nd, 2003 at 23:42.]
Yes. He'll be in his element there.
He'll be in his element there.
Oh, thank goodness! I was afraid we'd be reading his orbit-uary.
Now, as for Georgians, lets not forget the former United States Army Chief of Staff, General Shalikashvili. Its easy to say while sneezing, BTW.
A Guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good
lookin'! How's it goin'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and
said, "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere - your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't
matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too!"
Why are eggs benedict served on automobile hub caps?
==> Because there's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then
they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following
a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
> To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands
with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the
finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances.
> Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After
a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're
going to have to pee in the boat
G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same
barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by
a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my
wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, Laura doesn't know what the inside
of a whorehouse smells like."
[This message was edited by jerry thomas on Thu Jan 1st, 2004 at 9:25.]
..."Faith, and there must be someone powerful sick in there!..."
I read the most hilarious column by Marjorie Williams of the Washington Post where she figured out why she feels uneasy about Howard Dean: The man is a doctor! She goes on to compare her recent experiences with several doctors to Howard Dean. Here is one description of her surgeon that I just loved!
"I have had enough brusque, irritable doctors in my life without sending one to the White House. My most memorable brushes have been with an eminent surgeon whose method is to stride into the examining room two hours late, pat your hand, pronounce your certain death if he can't perform an operation on you, and then snap at your husband to stop taking notes, he can't possibly follow the complexity of the doctor's thinking. Dr. X swats away questions like flies. He spends five precious minutes swearing at the wall-mounted phone, which decades of surgical experience have not equipped him to operate, and then finally pronounces that he can't perform the surgery. 'Unless you want me to. But there's a 50-50 chance I would kill you.' Why is it, I ask my husband on the way home, that I'm the one who's sick but they're the ones who are allowed to have the big, operatic personalities?"
**Note** Lest you think this is a political post, understand that I support Howard Dean for president.
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there, figuring they'd have half of Sunday to study. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final totally unprepared, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in four separate rooms and handed each of them a test book and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5% of the grade. It was something reasonably straightforward about free radical formation. All at the same time, each one in his separate room thought, "This is going to be
Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the next page was the only other exam question, worth 95%: Which tire?
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
Rick, that was hilarious.
Welcome to our site. We are a friendly bunch and just love having new posters.
We seem to be having a temporary problem with a slow server this week. Please bear with us!
Yes, Rick, welcome.
I see by your extensive biography that you're male. Any other info you'd care to divulge? Location in the world, maybe? (General location, I mean. It's not like we're going to show up on your doorstep.)
Though of course the possibility shouldn't be ruled out altogether.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
Thanks for the welcome. Although I can't imagine that anyone would care, I've updated my profile.
BTW, that was my 2nd post...
All three use hearing aids, and all three hearing aids are defective.
The three are playing golf.
#1 It's windy.
........... #2 No, it's Thursday.
..................... #3 Me too. Let's go get a beer.
This is by no means the World's Funniest Joke, but it might keep us smiling until a Really Good One comes along.
True. But it is certainly one of the world's oldest ones...
Do jokes, with age, lose their humor? I think not. Bad jokes are not repeated and are soon forgotten. The jokes that endure are the good ones; they endure because they make us smile. Some even make us laugh, particularly the first time we hear them.
Humor is subjective. The misunderstandings caused by the old duffers' faulty hearing caught my fancy because I'm currently upgrading to a digital hearing aid. When I told my friend I'm waiting for a new hearinig aid he asked, "What kind is it?"
"A quarter after ten," I replied.
Just for today, in honor of the Venerable Richard's sobering comment, let's cancel the smile and keep on waiting -- grimly -- for something Really Funny to appear here.
While composing this reply the following two Tom Swifties occurred to me. I like to think they are original, but I could be wrong about that, as well. At the risk of cross threading I'm pasting them here.
"That's a fairy tale," said Tom, Grimmly.
"Cancel the beer," Tom whined, soberly.
Fresh from the pens of England's finest 15 year olds - they're meant as metaphors
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy fields towards each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6.36pm travelling at 55mph, the other from Peterborough at 4.19pm at a speed of 35mph.
The thunder was an ominous sound, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene of a play.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long that it had rusted shut.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell Butter from 'I can't believe it's not Butter'.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a right shock, like a surcharge at
a formerly surcharge-free cash point.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
This had most of the state of michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Those similes are wonderful! Where did you get them?
Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.