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Picture of Hic et ubique
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Jerry put this in our "Funniest Joke" thread. He inspired me to start a thread of "outrageous puns".
quote:
On the morning of the third day of their honeymoon the bridegroom is reading the TV schedules in the newspaper, but the bride, in the other room, is unaware of that.

He says: "Do you want to see Oliver Twist?"

She says: "If you make that thing do one more trick, I'm outta here."
 
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A letter Z walks into a bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Where are you from, stranger?

"I'm Times New Roman," says the Z proudly.

"Get out!" says the bartender. "We don't serve your type around here!"
 
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Roy Rogers had just purchased a new set of boots. Going out one day to check on Trigger, Roy stepped in a pile of ... well suffice it to say that Dale told him to leave his boots outside on the porch until he could clean them up. Roy did so and went inside for dinner. In the meantime a cougar wandering around on the property spied the boots, grabbed them up in his mouth and headed for the wilderness. Roy, seeing his new boots heading for the hills, pulled on a pair of old boots, ran out and saddled up Trigger and headed for the hills to cut off the escape path of the cougar. Several hours later Roy returned, new boots in hand and the cougar stretched over the back of Trigger. Dale looking at the scene in front of her said "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"


*******
"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
~Dalai Lama
 
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There was a small village nestled at the bottom of a hill. It flourished because of the richness of the soil and the abundance of game in its forests. However, one spring the village hunters noticed a sparsity of game. It became increasingly difficult to find birds, small mammals, and other sources of protein. Alarmingly, the farmers noted as the spring progressed that the soil was becoming acidic and the crops were failing bit by bit.

One day the hunters quite by accident stumbled upon the source of their woes. While cautiously exploring one of the many nearby caves they discovered a very large and dangerous carnivore previously unknown in their area. One of them had seen pictures of this animal at a distant market in his youth, and could only recall it being called a Rarie. The foul smell of the beast's excrement immediately told them the source of the soil problems in their gardens, and the piles of bones strewn about the cave provided more than enough evidence for the dwindling meat supplies in their forest.

After much discussion and consultation with the village herb women, the hunters prepared a special "snack" for the dangerous and hungry rarie. They filled a large possum with an herb guaranteed to put their enemy into a deep sleep and left the meal at the mouth of the cave.

Upon awakening the rarie set to and ate possum with all due haste. The herb acted almost immediately, to the villagers' chagrin, since they had hoped to lure the beast to the hill above their village where they could carry out their plan to rid themselves of it by pushing it over the top and down onto the rocks at the edge of the ocean below.

It was necessary to rig a canvas, roll the beast onto it, and pull it with great effort to the village and on up the hill, all the while feeding it more of the herb whenever it threatened to awaken. Finally they had it near the top, when everyone's energy gave out.

More discussion led to a new plan, whereby long sticks would be put under the somnulent beast, and they would lever it up and over the top of the hill.

As they were laboring away at this final plan, a wandering beggar came by and began laughing loudly at their efforts. Offended, they demanded to know what he found so funny.

"Oh, your plan will never work. I cannot believe you are so ignorant," he said. "Everyone knows that that's the wrong way to tip a rarie."
 
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quote:
Originally posted by Hic et ubique:
A letter Z walks into a bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Where are you from, stranger?

"I'm Times New Roman," says the Z proudly.

"Get out!" says the bartender. "We don't serve your type around here!"


...not to mention the three strings standing outside the bar...

First one goes in and the bartender says "Are you a string?" and the string says "Yes, I am" and the bartender says "Get out! We don't serve your kind here..."

Second one goes in and the bartender says "Are you a string?" and the string says, "Yes I am" and the bartender says "Get out! We don't serve your kind here..."

Third one says "You guys are going about this the wrong way!" and he ties himself into a pretzel, and he musses up his hair, and he goes in and the bartender says "Are you a string?" and the string says, "No, I'm afraid not..."

(Pa-da-BOM)
 
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Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been found headbutted to death in a French apartment.

The police say it's murder on Zidane's floor.
 
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I must congratulate you Cat, I've been known to make puns on some obscure topics(Camille Saint-Saens comes to mind), but this takes it to "a whole nother" level. I realize I must put the last in quotes, because while it is perfectly acceptable when spoken, the written form is less so.
 
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Agreed. Nicely topical, as well.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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Thank you both Smile. I wish I'd made it up, but one of my LJ friends posted it the other day, and it made me groan so loudly I just knew I had to share it.

And then a pun thread opened. Perfect timing Big Grin.
 
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Hehehe - excellent, my friend! I like Jo's and Hab's too.


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"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
~Dalai Lama
 
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Our cat was putting on a lot of weight so we took him to the vet, who prescribed a course of pills. But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still there was no difference. If anything, it was getting worse.

The other problem was the invoices from the vet - these pills were costing a fortune. It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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arnie, I think that you're worrying about your cat's overeating much more than is necessary. You obviously have an eaty-puss complex.
 
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"Take me to your leader," said the explorer, and they took him to meet the young man who was resting in a hammock beneath a two-story thatched building.

The young chief explained that his father, the Old Chief, had been in the habit of spending his days seated in a large chair.

"I prefer the hammock," he said. He went on to explain that he had stashed his dad's big heavy chair upstairs.

The explorer looked up and saw a widening crack in the beam that supported the upper deck. Quickly he grabbed the young chief's hand and pulled him to safety just as the building collapsed from the weight of the big chair.

The explorer then made a note on his clipboard ..... ... .. . "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."
 
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As the cannibal mother said, "Children! How many times have I told you not to play with your food??!"

By the way, it is a misconception that cannibals eat missionaries. Missionaries are admittedly quite tasty and tender, but 'tis a little known fact that they induce severe vomitting in the diner. After all, you can't keep a good man down.
 
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Not only that, but they so often insist upon boiling friars.
 
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I was reading some history today. I learned that in the Viking Age, thralls were ring-necked peasants.
 
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Picture of jerry thomas
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Shufitz urged me to post the following pun here.

If you have any objections, you can arrange to have your people meet with Shufiz's people ...
....

.... ready ??

Flustered gunman in bank lobby "Okay you motherstickers, this is a fuckup."

Thanks, Shu
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Then there was the young man who cleaned the chamber pots that were left on tables outside the rooms in Camelot. Late one evening his lady friend beseeched hem to give her the company of his pleasure, to which he replied, "Verily shall I grant thy boone after I make my round of the knight's tables."
 
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"Our treasury was nearly depleted, so we set up this Fish n Chips stand to improve our economic situation," said the Brother, serving me a serving of Fish n Chips at the Monastery.

"Are you the Chip Monk?" I asked.

"No," he said. "I'm the Fish Friar."
 
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Woman in restaurant: "I'd like a steak, but please make it lean."
Waiter: "As you wish, Madam, but it would be easier to lay it flat on the plate."


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Unintentional wordplay in URLs:


1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it... is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company...
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
 
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Need a therapist?

There's also just plain old Therapist website.


Ceci n'est pas un seing.
 
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Ceci n'est pas un seing

"Homage to Magritte!" he piped up.
 
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Did you here about the male snakecharmer who married a female mortician?

Their towels were labelled Hiss and Hearse.
 
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"Homage to Magritte!" he piped up.

Yes, the great and famous British (tm) surrealist painter.


Ceci n'est pas un seing.
 
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quote:
"Homage to Magritte!" he piped up.


Well, I thought that qualified as an outrageous pun. Or at least an infamous double-entendre. he replied not-so-Swiftly
 
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"What do you like most about your Swimming Pool Inspector job?"

"Deep ends."
 
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"So how's the trash collection business?"

"Picking up."
 
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"So how's the new job as a fortune teller?"

"Not what I expected."

(Not a pun, I know, but what the heck.)
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Is a fertilizer salesman an entremanure?
 
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If the fertilizer is the discarded bedding from the animals' safe house, should it be called "sanctuary mulch"?
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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To paraphrase Spanglish, much grass, Jerry!
 
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much grass

mucho marijuana? Cool


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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"Much Grass" used to be a common English abbreviation of "muchas gracias," (many thanks) but the marijuana spin isn't unique to arnie.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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If you're a self-made tightwad, are you sui generous?
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. We haven't even swept together! You've been sweeping around!
 
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When the cattle baron died and his three boys inherited the ranch, they renamed it "Focus" because that's where the sun's rays meet.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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From a demented friend:

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and
made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a simple error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.'

(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone
else.)

Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.
 
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Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin Har,har Asa!!! I shall pass the above immediately on to my terribly punloving relatives. Had I not had some more awful ones to share, I might not have seen those French lovelies...

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM PFIZER CORPORATION:

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', not to mention 'highballs' .

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


MORAL: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This should mean that by the year 2040, there will be a sizeable (sic) elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections... and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
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Two blondes went to a pet shop and asked for two budgies. The clerk showed them to the cage full of budgerigar parakeets and asked what color they wanted: Blue , green or yellow?

The blondes said it didn’t matter, just give them two.

The next day the blondes took the birds to the top of a cliff. Each one grabbed a bird, walked to the edge of the cliff and jumped off. They both smashed onto the rocks below, covered with cuts and bruises.

One blonde turned to the other and said, “This budgie-jumping isn’t as much fun as they said it was.”


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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quote:
by the year 2040, there will be a sizeable (sic) elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections... and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

But if you're with the right partner (yours our another's) would such a temporary lapse in memory matter?


Richard English
 
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Like the old man who knocked at the brothel door and asked the madam for one of the girls. The madam scoffed and said, "You're all done."
And the old man said, "How much do I owe you?"


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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Yeah, bethree5, there'll be a lot of carrion on at the zombie jamboree.

http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/z/zombiejamboree.shtml
BTW, how does one pronounce "SHTML?" Is it obscene, or is it Yiddish - or both? Confused
 
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It's all Greek to me...

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
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quote:
Originally posted by bethree5:
... only one carrion ...
Love it!

Another pun on "carrion" is at the end of the epitaph quoted here. Wink
 
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Shu's question in another thread about timepieces reminded me that the smallest man in the Bible slept on his watch.

And from the same source, we find the world's most flexible man, who tied his ass to a tree and walked ten miles.


Give a man a fish and he can eat for one day; give a man a fishing pole and he will find an excuse to never work again.
Nollidj is power.
 
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quote:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

You get the same problem with caiques (see the definition on OEDILF).


Richard English
 
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quote:
Originally posted by shufitz:
...Another pun on "carrion" is at the end of the epitaph quoted here. Wink
Big Grin I wish our local cemetary had such punny epitaphs!
 
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