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Oh, how I hate chain e-mails, though!
 
Posts: 24218 | Location: Chicago, USAReply With QuoteReport This Post
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I will preface this with an apology to Kalleh!

Some Health Q &A

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ..don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing...

When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.

Keep well ...
 
Posts: 1412 | Location: Buffalo, NY, United StatesReply With QuoteReport This Post
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I received this fun e-mail today:
Children laugh 146 times a day, adults laugh only 4 times a day.....no wonder we're so unhappy. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose... Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tulefel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Have fun! Big Grin
 
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Eek Big Grin Confused
 
Posts: 6708 | Location: Kehena Beach, Hawaii, U.S.A.Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I'm Pinky Applesniffer!
 
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I'll stick with my original name, thank you. I don't much care for "Buttercup Cootiefanny"!

Tinman
 
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Snotty Cootieshorts! I think I shall follow Tinman's example and stick with my original name...

Ros
 
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What's a hiney?
 
Posts: 382 | Location: CambridgeReply With QuoteReport This Post
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Hiney = lovebite.

I think.
 
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I think that's a hickey (sp?) isn't it? Hiney is one's, ahem, "behind"...

Listen to us Brits trying to decipher American English! Bet they're all rolling in the aisles!

Ros
 
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quote:
Listen to us Brits trying to decipher American English! Bet they're all rolling in the aisles!


Who me? Never!
 
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From Macquarie Dictionary Book of Slang (Australian Slang, URL=http://www.macquariedictionary.com.au/p/dictionary/slang.html]www.macquariedictionary.com.au/p/dictionary/slang.html[/URL])

hickey
noun 1. a haematoma caused by erotic sucking of the skin; love bite. 2. a pimple. [origin unknown]

hiney
noun the buttocks or backside. Also, heiny. [originally US, from hindquarters or hinders]

From urbandictionary.com (You can add your own words and definitions to this site.):

hickey

hinie


Tinman

[This message was edited by tinman on Thu Jul 3rd, 2003 at 20:16.]
 
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ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female! Ha! You thought we'd say male. But consider this it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
 
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Furthermore, "hiney" is almost always used by the swingset-set (8 years old and younger) and "Hickey" by teenagers.

I once knew a couple of post-pubescent (barely) hormonally-enflamed individuals who expressed their mad passionate undying love for each other by putting their initials on each others' backs in hickeys. (Ah, true love!)
 
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quote:
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Oh, Morgan, and don't forget about "Shoe" on Wordcraft! Wink
 
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quote:
Originally posted by Kalleh:
quote:
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Oh, Morgan, and don't forget about "Shoe" on Wordcraft! Wink
How could I ever forget about our shoe! And may I say, it does describe him to a degree! Wink
 
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To: The Whiskered Gurgler

Another Web site for you to have fun with! Big Grin
 
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Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. **Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
 
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Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math!

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
 
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1. In many states (USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. This is very interesting. Check it out.



For Your Information:


1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now I am just reporting what was sent to me. I am sure that Bob will have doubts! Wink
 
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Doubts ?
I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

I would however point out that ULs concerning Coke are so ubiquitous that they get their own page over at snopes which currently lists twenty two distinct stories about the substance, of which two are shown as true and a further three as undetermined.
If you want to check out which of these it mentions look here. or save yourself some time and look here.

Personally I have no doubts about coke whatsoever.

Non curo ! Si metrum no habet, non est poema.

Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
 
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Nor do I.

It tastes positively foul!

Richard English
 
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Thanks, a lot, Bob. I appreciate the information. It did come from Snopes, right, and not Coca Cola? While snopes.com was written on the Web page, I note that the Coke logo was there, too.

I certainly never expected that those myths would be true, though the person sending me the e-mail did. I am grateful to be able to send her these URLs.

I had heard the "tooth" myth for years. Now, I will tell you that our dentist says that even diet coke, without the sugar, is bad for your teeth because of the acid, though according to this Web site it is no worse than the acid in orange juice. I am sure it depends on "quantity."

Now, I had never heard that Coke was considered anti-Semitic. Interesting.

For Richard's sake, are there any similar beer folklores?? Big Grin
 
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Well, there's the surprisingly persistent myth that Anheuser Busch and Millers brew beer and the associated myth that it's the alcohol in these concoctions that causes the foul hangovers that each engender.

Richard English
 
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Well, I did give this person snopes.com's comments on the coke myths. I won't invite her to this board! First, she was skeptical of snopes.com ("what do they know anyway?"), and then she claimed to have known someone who put a tooth in coke overnight, and it disappeared. She also said that someone dissolved paint on a car with coke. Roll Eyes

[This message was edited by Kalleh on Thu Aug 21st, 2003 at 12:17.]
 
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quote:
Originally posted by Kalleh:
Well, I did let this person give this person snopes.com's comments on the coke myths. I _won't_ invite her to this board! First, she was skeptical of snopes.com ("what do they know anyway?"), and then she _claimed_ to have known someone who put a tooth in coke overnight, and it disappeared. She also said that someone dissolved paint on a car with coke. Roll Eyes


I used to work with a guy who often repeated as fact Urban Legends. Once he swore to me that he had been sacked from a job at a food processing plant for engaging in sexual activity with a frozen chicken. Not a friend, not a friend of a friend, but he himself.
Closer interogation relagated it to being his brother. More interogation changed the story to a friend of his brother who he knew personally. Still more to a friend who had never met and still more to a friend of a friend of his brother.

All this from a story that he claimed initially to have been him. That's how the Urban Legends gain currency. I'd be surprised if your friend were doing anything different in the case of the tooth in the coke story - lending it an air of truth by claiming it for herself because she believes it.

As for pouring Coke on your car I'm sure it would damage the paintwork - not because of the acid but because of the sugar. When it dries out it will leave a sticky tar like residue that will be quite hard to remove without damaging the paint. Any high sugar carbonated drink will do the same thing.

Incidentally she's right to be sceptical - the snopes site positively encourages people to go and check for themselves. To this end almost every page lists the sources they have used in debunking - or sometimes confirming - the story.

They also have a whole page of deliberately made up legends which they intentionally and falsely claim to be true just to test people's credulity.

Glaubt es mir - das Geheimnis, um die größte Fruchtbarkeit und den größten Genuß vom Dasein einzuernten, heisst: gefärlich leben.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
 
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I just got another phone call from this woman (a bit defensive, would you say?) Now, listen to this! Supposedly, her officemate, (this may be relevant to your example, Bob) put an animal's tooth in a glass of Pepsi and Coke, and in 24 hours the Coke tooth had disintegrated, but the Pepsi tooth was perfect. Furthermore, she put a dirty penny in a Coke and Pepsi, and the Coke penny came out shining, while the Pepsi penny was exactly the same. The latter test wouldn't be hard to perform, and I believe I will.
 
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I forecast that both coins will come out shiny bright and both teeth will be little, if at all, changed.

I'm a great believer in checking out these kinds of myths if it's easy to do so.

In the past 30 years there has been a great influx of Asians - mainly from India and Pakistan - and one of the more common names of these immigrants is Patel. They have been very successful in running small "corner shops" and it is common enough to see the name Patel on the facia. One of the assertions that was commonly made was that "...there are now more Patels than there are Smiths in the London telephone directory..." and whenever it's made there are nods of agreement and the company then makes whatever point it chooses to make about this "fact" and the supposed uncontrolled influx and breeding habits of these families.

Well, having heard this I decided to check and, what do you know, there are actually many, many more Smiths than there are Patels - several orders of magnitude, in fact. But I still hear this "fact" quoted, and I smile quietly to myself and say nothing!

Richard English
 
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quote:
Originally posted by Kalleh:
I just got _another_ phone call from this woman (a bit defensive, would you say?) Now, listen to this! _Supposedly_, her officemate, (this may be relevant to your example, Bob) put an animal's tooth in a glass of Pepsi and Coke, and in 24 hours the Coke tooth had disintegrated, but the Pepsi tooth was perfect. _Furthermore_, she put a dirty penny in a Coke and Pepsi, and the Coke penny came out shining, while the Pepsi penny was exactly the same. The latter test wouldn't be hard to perform, and I believe I will.


Can I suggest a slight extension to the test ?
Use not just coke and pepsi but also try it with ketchup, brown sauce, orange juice, vinegar and any other acidic household material. I can guarantee that the ones done with vinegar and brown sauce will come out nice and shiny because I used to do it all the time as a kid.

As for the use of the coke logo by snopes I'm fairly certain they have no connection at all with coke as they have no connection with Disney whose logo they also use and who are notoriously litigious.

They just like to illustrate the pages appropriately and as they, generally, debunk fairly the companies involved are inclined to let them.

Glaubt es mir - das Geheimnis, um die größte Fruchtbarkeit und den größten Genuß vom Dasein einzuernten, heisst: gefärlich leben.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
 
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Being curious, I asked the "Translator" section of dictionary.com for a translation of the German inscription in your post, Bob.

Here is the reply ==>
quote:
In English:

If it believes me - the secret, in order to in-harvest the largest fertility and the largest benefit of the existence, is called: gefaerlich live. - Friedrich Nietz


So that explains that.

~~~ jerry
 
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Originally posted by Kalleh: Do you really want to drink coke?
--------------------------------------
Of course, even if the "facts" are as given, whether you consider them pros or cons depends on your point of view. Consider the following old story on the evils of alcohol:

The old preacher was trying to illustrate the evil of liquor in his sermon and drive the point home to his congregation. After reading some appropriate hell-fire Scriptures, he produced a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms, and placed them on his podium.

"Now brethren and sistern," he began, "observe closely." The old preacher proceeded to put one of the worms into the glass of water. The worm in the water swam about, happy as could be.

The second worm he put into the glass filled with whiskey. The worm swam about for a moment, and then started shaking before quickly sinking to the bottom, as dead as dead could be.

"Now," he asked, "what lesson can we learn from this illustration?"

One little boy stood up beside his mother and said, "That's easy, drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
 
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quote:
Originally posted by jerry thomas:
Being curious, I asked the "Translator" section of dictionary.com for a translation of the German inscription in your post, _Bob._

Here is the reply ==>
quote:
In English:

If it believes me - the secret, in order to in-harvest the largest fertility and the largest benefit of the existence, is called: gefaerlich live. - Friedrich Nietz


So that explains that.

~~~ jerry


Ah, the beauties of mechanical translation !

A rather more comprehensible translation would be

Believe me - the secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the most enjoyment from life is this - live dangerously !

Of course it wasn't helped by my missing the "h" out of gefährlich.
Multilingual typos, whatever next ?

Glaubt es mir - das Geheimnis, um die größte Fruchtbarkeit und den größten Genuß vom Dasein einzuernten, heisst: gefährlich leben.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
 
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Again, this thread's topic has changed since it began, but I had to dig this out of an old email file, since it's still the funniest thing I've ever gotten in an email.


The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time,
In a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
On the shore of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
And said: elegant lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night,
As the princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
Seasoned in white wine
and onion cream sauce,
She chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't f**king think so.

Big Grin Excuse the punctuation, it's not mine. Smile
 
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Funny, WinterBranch! Big Grin [By the way, is there any story behind your name?]

quote:
Again, this thread's topic has changed since it began


Yes, you will see our threads change drastically. Might I recommend a really old thread to you? Try one of our earlier threads, called Wives; it was one of my favorites. How that changed! Also, since we have some beer lovers here, oftentimes you will see a thread change to something about beer or Budweiser.

Feel free to start new threads, though. Your posts are great, and we do need new threads here.
 
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Funny, WinterBranch! [By the way, is there any story behind your name?]




What, my real name couldn't be Winter Branch, named thusly by crazy hippie parents? (Or am I being disingenous? Wink )

It's a short phrase from a poem---one I didn't like when I first read it, but one I've come to appreciate a little more each time I read it.

I picked it because I do like how barren branches look in the winter....also because I live in Texas and it's fricking hot and want it to be winter! Ahhhhh, winter in Texas... it gets all the way down to 50 degrees Fahrenheit! Wink

As soon as I can think of a topic, Kalleh, I'll start a thread. Smile Elasmobranchs, anyone?
 
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quote:
Originally posted by WinterBranch: Smile Elasmobranchs, anyone?

Been there, done that, but it could be the "germ" of an idea. Big Grin
 
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WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas .... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!


NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
 
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Morgan, that is hilarious! It so much reminds me of my father-in-law's answers on a medical questionnaire once....as well as my husband's on an application to an Ivy League law school. My husband got irritated with the technicality of the questions re: GPA, and the like, so he wrote nonsense answers...and was accepted (though didn't attend)! My father-in-law was asked on a questionnaire if he had "excessive sexual urges." He left it blank. The doctor said, "Sir, you forgot to answer this question." Ken's dad said, "No I didn't. I didn't understand the question." The doctor said, "Surely you understand what 'sexual urges' are?" Ken's dad said, "Yes, but I don't know what you mean by 'excessive'!"
 
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Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.



(Remember, I got this in an e-mail--it's not mine! Big Grin)
 
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Big Grin Wink Razz Cool Smile Roll Eyes

Oh, Morgan, that was soooo funny!
 
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[clears throat] ahemmmm ... It has been said that:

Men are like tile floors: if you lay them propertly at first, you can walk on them for years.

[Ros, as a newlywed, have you a position on the matter?]
 
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Absolutely! Big Grin Mind you, we'd been together for 9 years before he even proposed, so I don't know how successful I've been in walking all over him!

Big Grin Cool Wink
 
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At the risk of stepping on some toes again, I got this email from a male friend of mine:

Women today have great wisdom...
For all those men who believe that there is no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 7 ounces of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!
 
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Good one, Morgan.

What do you think of the wise old man's advice that's being e-mailed to younger men ==> To avoid all the hassles in courtship, marriage, and divorce, just find a woman you don't like very much, and give her a house.
 
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When Jerry speaks of "Advice to young men," it might be a good time to mention the advice given by Ben Franklin.
quote:
My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. ... But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

... [enjoy your reading Big Grin]

[Wrinkling] appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey ...

And Ben was only 39 years old when he wrote this!
 
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"Don't fly kites in thunderstorms."
 
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I used to enjoy dropping an intentional non sequitur (of my own writing, thank you very much) into conversation when I thought it might get a laugh but discontinued the practice when more than one female friend informed me that it could be perceived as an endorsement of violence against women. The line:

"Why buy the cow when you can get the steaks for free?"


Jeeze! Some people are just too easily offended!
 
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I met a chap at the ITT convention, where I had arranged a brewery visit, who seemed to know a lot about the brewing process.

When I spoke to him it seemed he had achieved every Englishman's dream. He had married Timothy Taylor's daughter! (For those living in a beer desert) Timothy Taylor is one of our better medium-sized breweries (similar in size to Youngs and Fullers)

Richard English
 
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I wasn't sure whether to include these here or in our "Insults" thread. I received this today as an e-mail from a friend whom I have invited here numerous times. He sends me great word e-mails, but hesitates jumping in himself. I think he is a lurker, though. By the way, all parenthetical comments are my friend's, not mine!

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man &worships his creator."
- John Bright
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) (good for Bush, too.)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." (Bush, again?)
- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang

I heard a similar quote the other day:

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
- Mark Twain
 
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As I've matured....

I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others -- they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
 
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