Let's face it, we all see something cute every now and then in our email worth sharing. Why not here?
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
I admit it, I hate getting older! My kids literally have to look at my driver's license before they find out my true age.
Yet, I love the line: "Consider the alternative!"
When I first heard that line
"Life! Consider the alternative!"
I thought it was an advertisement for TIME (Magazine)...
The year is 1902, one hundred years ago... what a difference a century makes. Here are the U.S. statistics for 1902....
The average life expectancy in the US was 47.
Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A 3 minute phone call Denver to NYC cost $11.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
4. Heart disease
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 16 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
It's good to learn that, in one aspect of life at least, the USA was a far better country then than it is now!
And by the way, in England we have had Mothering Sunday since before the USA existed.
The entire piece apparently originated from the book "When My Grandmother Was a Child" by Leigh W. Rutledgeseems. It seems to have a wide internet circulation (try googling googling "reported murders" 1902), but with minimal checking.
This piece debunks several of the items. The "murder item" is at the end.
The Americans and the Dutch, funnily enough, celebrate the day on the same date.
Hmmm, bear. Is that a coincidence? I am not sure how Mother's day evolved in the U.S., but I suppose a bit of googling will inform me!
Richard, "Mothering Sunday" is an interesting phrase. How did that come about?
Read in newspaper this morning: someone in West Virginia whose mother died in 1901 and wanted to have some sort of ceremony for her - first observance was in the local church in 1903 - declared to be celebrated the second Sunday in May - no mention of when it became generalized to Mothers in general. Details must abound on the net, as you say. Wonder how many variations to this story there are, or which is/are "accurate"!
Darn! Another apostrophe mistake (I presume that was the reason for the "sic"). I checked the Web, and found it posted "Mother's Day (Google, in fact, posts it that way in their tribute), Mothers' Day, and Mothers Day. So, which is it?
As far as accuracy, I agree that one can never trust the Web without validating it with other sources. We had a good discussion of that in another thread. While books and articles are usually reviewed before publication, anyone can post anything on the Web, as we have often found out.
Sorry. I didn't mean at all that you had made a mistake; I meant I was using it in the singular myself because the Day was started for just one Mother...(as a matter of fact I didn't even notice where the Apostrophe was in your title [chagrin-e] )
Charles Panati gives an excellent account in one of his books, and most of what he writes has been
repeated verbatim online. Let me add part of what on-line account omits.
For the origins of Mothering Sunday (outside the US) see http://www.theholidayspot.com/mothersday/history/mothering_sunday.htm
During the 1600’s England celebrated a day called 'Mothering Sunday' on the fourth Sunday in Lent. On Mothering Sunday in England young women and men who were apprentices or servants returned home bringing their mothers small gifts and keepsakes or a “mothering cake”. As Christianity spread across Europe the celebration changed to honour the 'Mother Church', the spiritual power that gave them life and kept them out of harms way. Over time the church festival merged with the Mothering Sunday celebration. People began honouring their mothers as well as the church.
Thanks, arnie. Is there a "Fathering Sunday", as well?
So, honestly, there is no day honoring fathers, while there is one honoring mothers? Now, that is odd. Of course, we have Mother's Day and Father's Day here.
The card companies and other vested interests have tried to get people to pay attention to a Father's Day, but pretty well without success. I believe such a day appears in the diaries but no-one takes much notice.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught! me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Kalleh, there is a Fathers Day in the UK which seems to pop up sometime in June. it is not referred to as Fathering Sunday though.
Mothering Sunday is a very old religious festival that was not originally specifically to do with mothers, although this is now how it is usually associated.
Father's day (for some reason usually apostophised as a singular) is simply a commercial creation - along with its many associates such as nurse's day and secretary's day.
The fact that I believe each is grammatically wrong (there being, surely, more than one father whose day it is) is enough for me to disregard each and every one of them!
Mothering Sunday, being a genuine festival, gets my vote!
There is even worse to come.
In several card shops I have seen 'Grandmothers' Day' cards.
No, no, no, no!! Please, no more!!
You see, I have no problem with Father's Day. We all have one father (it isn't father-in-law's day) so it is the Day of my father, or Father's Day. I find Mothering Sunday a bit strange, though. Perhaps it means all people who mother, such as teachers or aunts or sisters??
How about just one more: May I suggest "Correct English Language Users' Day"?
We could celebrate by giving everyone in the country a test on English grammar, spelling, punctuation etc. and then everyone scoring 95% or higher would get a month's paid vacation! Beats the hell out of a heart-shaped box of chocolates or some rapidly wilting posies AND it would do wonders for getting our beloved Mother Tongue back on track.
I'll write to the people at Hallmark Cards and see what they can do to kick this thing off.
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
good laugh! Or men who need a warning!
And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
(Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me...I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Take the time to read this. I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some, where you will go "hmm, I must remember that"! After reading, forward it to someone you care about It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS! A predator may be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOOR AND LEAVE.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
a. Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger-side door, and in the back seat.
b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. c. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are a perfect crime spot).
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life.
If you need the braille on the ATM, should you be driving?
quote:I get the point, Morgan, and certainly I think some of those pointers are excellent. But, hey, if someone needs help to get into his car, I will be there--though carefully. Otherwise, we live our lives in fear.
I agree Kalleh. And obviously those were not my words. I think that being aware of our surroundings is the best way to protect ourselves.
[This message was edited by C J Strolin on Mon Jun 9th, 2003 at 12:57.]
With apologies and all due respect and so forth, I see the spreading of such stuff as a form of terrorism
Some of us tiptoe cautiously through life only to arrive safe and sound at Death's door.
[This message was edited by jerry thomas on Mon Jun 9th, 2003 at 13:47.]
I didn't comment on this earlier because recently I seem to have my debunking hat on far too often.
This is quite a famous piece of internet "advice" and it's of dubious origin. There are other similar pieces. Snopes debunks one of them extensively here.
I'm sure I've seen a similar debunking of this one but I can't find it now. CJ has however done a fine job in his comments.
For once I find myself in 100% agreement with him.
All e-mail like this really serves to do is increase the level of paranoia and anxiety without actually being either practical or sensible.
Non curo ! Si metrum no habet, non est poema.
Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
Hear Hear! (or here here?) Boys! I will not live my life in fear.
As consistently correct as my views are so well known to be, I would assume you would attach yourself to the Strolin bandwagon a bit more enthusiastically. (I've considered changing my name to C J Snopes but I suppose that would be pushing it a bit.)
All joking semi-aside, though, I would like to hear the views of others on this subject, particularly if they differ from my own.
Look at it logically CJ.
Most people, including me, are wrong some of the time. Given that I'm wrong some of the time but you are right all of the time it's inevitable that I'm not always going to be in agreement with you.
I'll try to do better.
Non curo ! Si metrum no habet, non est poema.
Read all about my travels around the world here.
Read even more of my travel writing and poems on my weblog.
I am in agreement as well (can you stand it, CJ?) I do love reading your rants, CJ. I can just hear you talking! The funniest to me was the idea of a man attacking a woman as he is under the car. Now come on!
Bob, you don't have your "debunking hat" on all too often! You make us all think, and isn't that what it is all about?
And, for the record, CJ, I still make eye contact with men. So there!
Well put, J.T. Is that yours? It strikes me as being similar in quality to aphorisms found in books of quotations.
And B.H., thanks. (...I think.)
Morgan, we haven't heard from you in a bit. I'm hoping I haven't pissed you off with my comments. We still pals, gal?
And Kalleh, yes, I wasn't exaggerating there. The advice of checking beneath your car was given in all seriousness. Some people are just nuts.
An odd sidenote: This post was interrupted a moment ago by the city's tornado siren going off which, good boy that I am, prompted me to hit the basement. We apparently had a tornado touch down within a few miles of this keyboard. Woo-Hoo!
[This message was edited by C J Strolin on Tue Jun 10th, 2003 at 16:38.]
OK, so most of you who replied to my last one thought it was malarky! But it did get the brain working, even if to debunk my post. I like that!
I did like number two though:
"2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!"
That one got me thinking!
How did we survive?
Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.
As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs, toys and rooms were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or my BB gun was not available. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never overweight; we were always outside playing.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring!). The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system. We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option...even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym. Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
Students and teachers were expected to dress appropriately and were warned only once by the principal. Next time they were sent home to change.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.
I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers that could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20 acres, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm. We played king of the hill in piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too .. and then we got spanked again when we got home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough...it wasn't so that they could take the rough berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents?
Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
I remember Richard once wrote that whatever you write in e-mails you should expect could be in the front page of the newspaper. In fact, I think someone famous also said that.
Anyway, a president of an organization wrote an e-mail to all his constituents, criticizing another organization. Of course, this e-mail was meant to stay within organization # 1. However, one constituent forwarded it to the president of the criticized organization. Fireworks are now unfolding! Too bad they didn't take Richard's advice to heart!
Along those lines, a rather arrogant woman sent a friend an e-mail about a failed date she had. It was talking about how anybody who is anybody wears Prada shoes, etc., etc. The friend forwarded it because of its arrogant tone, and that friend forwarded it, and that friend, etc.....until 14,000 knew about this poor arrogant woman!
Richard once wrote that whatever you write in e-mails you should expect could be in the front page of the newspaper.
The movie "Amazon Women on the Moon" is a series of comic skits, many hilarious. In one, as Steve Guttenberg comes to pick up his date, she askes him for a major credit card - and uses it to get on-line access his entire dating history, a data-bank of commentary from ladies he has dated before. Nowhere to hide!
That's comic hyperbole. But realistically, it's been pointed out that as video-phones begin to proliferate, anything you do in public could well be captured on-streen.
And another thing. How did we manage not to die of thirst? Every teenager in England now carries a bottle of water everywhere from which to take a life-saving sip every few minutes.
I remember having to wait until I got home or to a restaurant (or other establishment created for the fortification of the inner man).
How deprived we were!
Oh, Richard, how true! The same happens here in the U.S., as well. Somehow, I just cannot spend $1.79 on a bottle of water!
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm sorry.... What was the question
I mean this as an honest question, not a nitpick: Would you say with menopause, or in menopause?
Good question hic! Maybe our nurse Kalleh can answer it.
But truthfully, I have heard this joke as "a woman with PMS". Now, that is dangerous!
Well, of course, PMS is a syndrome. I may have said with menopause myself, but I think Hic is technically right that it is in menopause, since it is a normal phenomenon and not a disease. Of course, you could say menopausal.
(I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice!!)
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, handprints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, And love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
ENJOY YOUR KIDS (AND GRANDKIDS!)
Elsewhere, haberdasher commented ruefully, "Hard it seems to remain youthful." Perhaps this will help.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG (George Carlin)
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long, and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people ... who cares?