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In times past, if he could sing, he'd have become an altered boy.
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Back when it was a tragedy for a young girl to become pregnant unmarried, just such a girl presented herself to the doctor in a small town's hospital. He told her he would deliver the child and, to preserve her reputation, give the baby to the next patient using some excuse.
The girl delivered a fine baby boy and the doctor gave the boy to his next patient, a priest who had a gall bladder operation. He told the priest he didn't have a bad gall bladder, but had been with child. "Glory be to God!" said the priest. "It's a miracle." And he took the boy and raised him as his own. Twenty years later, the priest was on his deathbed and called the young man in. "Son," he said. "I have something to tell you." "What is it, Dad?" "That's just it. I'm not your father. I'm your mother. The bishop is your father." Knowlage is power. |
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Hmmmm... Gives a whole new meaning to "bishopric."
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At least he wasn't monkeying around.
Knowlage is power. |
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As in the Primate?
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Which reminds me of a faux pas committed by the primate keeper at a zoo who sent letters asking for funds for a primate project. Among the letters she got back was one from a group of English Primates, who were inadvertently included in the computer search. Unfortunately, I lost my copy of their reply but it was suitably respectful yet humorous in their reasons for not becoming involved with her special kind of primate study.
Knowlage is power. |
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up... Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.' |
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The revival was fully underway and the preacher called to the congregation to send down members who wanted to have afflictions healed.
A little old lady on crutches came forward and the preacher asked her to identify herself and describe her ailment. "My name is Mrs. Smith and I've had terrible arthritis for many years. Now my legs are badly crippled." "Sister Smith, I want you to go behind that curtain and pray that you may be healed." Then the preacher turned to a man with a harelip. "What is your name and affliction, brother?" "My name is Mithter Jones and I hathn't been able to thpeak right thinth I wath born." "Borther Jones, go behind the screen with Sister Smith and we'll all pray for your swift recovery." And the preacher and the crowd prayed and the heavens were split by lightning and thunder, which was taken as a sign that all was well. "Sister Smith," said the preacher. "Your legs are healed and I want you to throw your crutches over the curtain and stand on your firm strong legs." And a pair of crutches flew over the curtain and clattdred to the floor. The crowd went wild, cheering and crying out "Hallelujah!" "And now, Brother Jones, I want you to speak in a clear, fine voice." And Brother Jones said, "Thithter Smith justh fell on her ath." Knowlage is power. |
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Are there any more similar jokes like these? I was trying so hard not to laugh so loud while at work. lmao. |
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While working at the Hershey factory, a man fell into a candy-making vat. He immediately began to yell, "FIRE! FIRE!." Someone called 911 and firemen arrived to pull him out of the vat.
After he was rescued, the fireman asked why he yelled "Fire"? "Would you have come to rescue me if I yelled "CHOCOLATE"? Knowlage is power. |
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US worker dies in chocolate vat Whoa. Twilight Zone. Also, I love "covered in chocolate and seemingly in dismay". |
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Here's one:
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." |
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Quite the opposite of when Clancy fell into the beer vat and drowned. He drowned on the twelfth time he fell in. |
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Talk about coincidence! And, Asa, Clancy was actually saved several times but broke loose and jumped back in. Knowlage is power. |
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Top 10 things that sound dirty in law but aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing in law that sounds dirty but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off? Knowlage is power. |
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Computer jargon always seemed particularly martial to me. Old keyboards, for example, had Command, Control, Escape and Execute keys (Execute is now Enter -- make of that what you will). We abort programs and kill processes, and if they are zombie processes we have to kill all the children first. I mentioned this to an options trader once, and he said that financial jargon was sexual, with terms like spreads, straddles, and naked shorts.
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