| <Asa Lovejoy> |
In times past, if he could sing, he'd have become an altered boy. | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Hmmmm... Gives a whole new meaning to "bishopric." | ||
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| <Proofreader> |
At least he wasn't monkeying around. | ||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
As in the Primate? | ||
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| <Proofreader> |
Which reminds me of a faux pas committed by the primate keeper at a zoo who sent letters asking for funds for a primate project. Among the letters she got back was one from a group of English Primates, who were inadvertently included in the computer search. Unfortunately, I lost my copy of their reply but it was suitably respectful yet humorous in their reasons for not becoming involved with her special kind of primate study. | ||
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| Member |
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up... Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.' | |||
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| <Proofreader> |
The revival was fully underway and the preacher called to the congregation to send down members who wanted to have afflictions healed. A little old lady on crutches came forward and the preacher asked her to identify herself and describe her ailment. "My name is Mrs. Smith and I've had terrible arthritis for many years. Now my legs are badly crippled." "Sister Smith, I want you to go behind that curtain and pray that you may be healed." Then the preacher turned to a man with a harelip. "What is your name and affliction, brother?" "My name is Mithter Jones and I hathn't been able to thpeak right thinth I wath born." "Borther Jones, go behind the screen with Sister Smith and we'll all pray for your swift recovery." And the preacher and the crowd prayed and the heavens were split by lightning and thunder, which was taken as a sign that all was well. "Sister Smith," said the preacher. "Your legs are healed and I want you to throw your crutches over the curtain and stand on your firm strong legs." And a pair of crutches flew over the curtain and clattdred to the floor. The crowd went wild, cheering and crying out "Hallelujah!" "And now, Brother Jones, I want you to speak in a clear, fine voice." And Brother Jones said, "Thithter Smith justh fell on her ath." | ||
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| Junior Member |
Are there any more similar jokes like these? I was trying so hard not to laugh so loud while at work. lmao. | |||
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| <Proofreader> |
While working at the Hershey factory, a man fell into a candy-making vat. He immediately began to yell, "FIRE! FIRE!." Someone called 911 and firemen arrived to pull him out of the vat. After he was rescued, the fireman asked why he yelled "Fire"? "Would you have come to rescue me if I yelled "CHOCOLATE"? | ||
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| Member |
US worker dies in chocolate vat Whoa. Twilight Zone. Also, I love "covered in chocolate and seemingly in dismay". | |||
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| Junior Member |
Here's one: A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." | |||
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| <Asa Lovejoy> |
Quite the opposite of when Clancy fell into the beer vat and drowned. He drowned on the twelfth time he fell in. | ||
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| <Proofreader> |
Talk about coincidence! And, Asa, Clancy was actually saved several times but broke loose and jumped back in. | ||
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| <Proofreader> |
Top 10 things that sound dirty in law but aren't: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing in law that sounds dirty but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off? | ||
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Computer jargon always seemed particularly martial to me. Old keyboards, for example, had Command, Control, Escape and Execute keys (Execute is now Enter -- make of that what you will). We abort programs and kill processes, and if they are zombie processes we have to kill all the children first. I mentioned this to an options trader once, and he said that financial jargon was sexual, with terms like spreads, straddles, and naked shorts. | |||
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| Member |
One day a man decided to retire . . . He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly oven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. Would you like to play around?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . . " he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course". It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. -J. Krishnamurti | |||
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| <Proofreader> |
A scientist who was studying the Sahara desert and needed a camel for two weeks, with no water available for that period. The camel dealer showed him a camel guaranteed to last that long, provided that before leaving you "brick the camel." Otherwise it could only last ten days. The scientist was loathe to inform the seller he had no idea what "brick him" meant but figured if the camel went ten days, another four shouldn't be a problem. But it was, since the camel died on the tenth day, leaving the scientist to the harsh desert sun. He eventually lost consciousness but awoke in a Tuareg's tent. The Tuareg asked what happened, and being told of the camel's death, asked, "Didn't you brick him?" "What exactly does that mean?" "When the camel is at the waterhole drinking in enough water for the ten days, you sneak up behind him with a brick in each hand and slap them together on his testicles. The camel will go 'Pppptttthhhhhh!' and suck in enough water for the extra days." "But doesn't that hurt?" "Only if you catch your thumbs." | ||
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| Member |
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go ? Wonder no more ! ! ! The penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle dig a hole in the ice, using their beaks and vestigial wings, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled in and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow, Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. -J. Krishnamurti | |||
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| <Proofreader> |
What kind of business will you most commonly find a Jewish mother in? Yours. | ||
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| Member |
I don't know any Jewish mothers who fix chainsaws for a living. They all assume I'm a goy mohel. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. -J. Krishnamurti | |||
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| <Proofreader> |
Grandpa was telling us about what life was like when he was a kid. "My mother would send me down to the grocery store with a dollar and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, three quarts of milk, a round of cheese, two chickens, and an armload of candy. But you can't do that today. Too many $&%#@^&* security cameras. | ||
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| Member |
Joke from comment #6 to "Bubbles, Bread and Beer" by Olivia Judson:
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| <Proofreader> |
A bear walked into a barroom and asked the bartender for a whiskey. The barman said, "We don't serve bears." And a woman down at the end said, "You tell him, Mike." But thebear was persistent and asked for a beer. But the bartender refused, saying,"We don't serve beers to bears in here." And the woman at the end of the bar said, "You tell him, Mike." So the bear walked to the end of the bar and devoured the woman. Then he returned to the bartender and asked for vodk. But the barman said, "We don't serve drinks to bears, especially drug addicted bears." "What are you talking about?" aksed the bear. "I'm not a drug addict." "Oh, no?" said the bartender. "That was a barbituate." | ||
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| <Proofreader> |
Today's lesson (from Jumbo Joke) The Donkey in the Well A parable with a twist.... - - - One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well that the farmer had accidentally left uncovered. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Now, most people think that's the end, but it isn't. The donkey later came back and bit the hell out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. So the real moral from today's lesson? When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. | ||
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Member |
Darby and Joan, both aged 81, went for a medical check-up. The doctor remarked on how healthy they seemed, and Joan proudly told him about the strict regimen of healthy eating and exercise that she followed, and insisted on her husband following, too. "I think that you've probably added at least ten years to your lives, said the doctor, admiringly. Otside the doctor's office they were both hit by a runaway truck and went to heaven. They were met at the gates by St Peter, who showed them around. They were shown the TV lounge where enormous screens were showing football matches and some other inhabitants were lounging in recliners, can of beer in one hand, cigarette or cigar in another. "I wouldn't have thought there would be beer or tobacco in heaven." said Darby. "Why not?" replied St Paul. They don't do you any harm here." Next they visited a dining room, where they saw a number of people tucking in to enormous, clearly fattening, meals with great relish. "People can eat what they like and as much as they like without any ill effects." said St Peter. They were then taken to a gymnasium where one man was working out alone, with a big smile on his face. "You only need to take exercise if you enjoy it." said Peter. "This is heaven, after all." Darby turned to Joan. "You stupid old bat!" "If it hadn't been for your insistence on healthy eating and exercise I could have been enjoying all this ten years earlier!" Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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| Member |
From a local newspaper*: The village hall burned down last night during a meeting of the Scrabble club. Members were unable to say what happened as they were lost for words. * Not really. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. | |||
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| <Proofreader> |
Sort of like the meeting for psychics that was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. | ||
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| Member |
Did you hear about the Spanish chicken which traveled to China and back? Marco Pollo. | |||
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| <Proofreader> |
Did you hear about the Italian suicide pilot who made twenty mssions? Chicken Catiatore. | ||
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| <Proofreader> |
A young boy was sent t the bakery to buy some raisin bread. The cute mini-skirted clerk pulled a ladder over and climbed it to reach the desired product. In doing so she flashed her panty-clad derriere at the boy. She got the bread, he paid and left. Outside he et a friend and told him if he wanted to get an eyeful, go in and order some raisin bread. His friend wet in, ordered the bread and the girl again pulled over the ladder and climbed up, reveaing her undies As she was climbing, a little old man entered. The girl looked down from her perch and asked, "Is your's raisin, too?" "No," said the man, "bit it's tingling a little." | ||
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