A young lady we'll call Helen Warmus:
Her vagina was truly enormous.
Her four lovers fell in.
The fifth said, "It's a sin
And incredibly rude not to warn us."

Dr. to patient: I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hrar first?

Tell me the good news.

You're going to have a new disease named after you.

This will really only be properly appreciated by British people and will be impenetrable to others without some explanation.

The TV channel Dave has started running an ad bumper that says something like:
Roy Hodgson: Over-65s blamed for two exits from Europe this week.
Hodgson was the England football (soccer) manager who resigned because England lost badly in the Europe 2016 championships. Those over 65 apparently made up a large proportion of those voting for the Brexit from Europe.

If you ever wondered where The Donald's ancestors were, here is the answer.

Odd how many of them had facial hair - beards and/or moustaches.

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.A woman at the end of thr hollers, "Don't give that bear a beer!"

The bear ignores her and again asks the bartender for a beer, Once more the woman insists that there is no beer for the bear.

So the bear walks to the woman and devours her. Then he resumes his place and asks for a beer.

But the bartender says, "No. We don;t serve druggies in here."

Puzzled, the bear asked, What makes you think I take drugs?"

The bartender said, "That was a barbituate."

*******************************************

Several men entered a bar and saw a patron slumped on the floor. They decided to perform a good deed and checked his pockets for an address, Then they pulled him to his feet and walked him out of the bar. They walked but the man couldn't stand and fell several times. However they eventually got him in the car and drove him home.

At the house they helped him up the walk, then half-carried him up the stairs. They knocked on the door and the man's wife appeared."Here's your husband, safe and sound."

:Thank you all, but where;s his wheelchair?"

Teacher was showing animal pictures to her class. "Do you know what animal this is, Sally?"
"Yes, Mrs Smith. That is an elephant."
"Very good, and what animal is in this picture, Laura?"
"That's a bald eagle."
"Excellent." She held up a picture of a deer. "Do you know what this is, Johnny?"
"No, teaher,"
"Of course you do. It's what your mother calls your father."
"Oh! So that's what a horny bugger looks like!"

Aninety-year-old woman was being interviewed by a TV reporter. During the interview, she mentioned they had to speed it up since she had to prepare for her wedding the next day.

The reporter was flabbergasted. "Is this your first husband?" he asked.

"No," she saif. "It's nu,ber four."

"Four? Who were the others?"

"My first husband was a banker; then two was an actor while three was a preacher. My new one is a funeral director,"

"That's a diverse assortment."

"Yes, that's because I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, anf four to go,"

Janis and Liz were talking on their lunch break. Liz said, "So how's your sex life?"

Janis said, "It's the usual Social Security kind.

Lizwas puzzled said, "What's the Social Security kind?"

"You know, a little every month but it's not enough to live on."

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A nerd in college had no success with girls. However his roommate was extremely successful, so he asked for advice. The roommate told it was easy.Just ask a girl out buy her dinner, see a romantic movie, then go parking and she would know what to do.

So the nerd went on a date and did everything his buddy suggested.

But after they had sat in the dark in a secluded spot for quite a wile with no action forthcoming, the nerd was getting frustrated. Finally the girl said, "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I'd like a little pussy!"

"Oh, so would I," she said. "Mine's the sze of a bucket."

quote:

Originally posted by Geoff:
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Yes. But IIRC, the relaxed pupil is super-wide open, and stimulation makes it constrict.

OTOH that would spoil the joke...

quote:

Originally posted by haberdasher:


Yes. But IIRC, the relaxed pupil is super-wide open, and stimulation makes it constrict.

OTOH that would spoil the joke...

Quite so - and most observant of you! However, it's my understanding that flirting with someone attractive reverses the process, as does intoxication. Maybe this is the explanation of "beer goggles?" Wide pupils = myopia.

In the late afternoon, following a party, a husband and his wife are driving home on a freeway. The husband is driving negligently and is criticizing his wife. The wife is knitting, struggling to contain her anger over her husband’s hostility. In a flash, a police officer pulls over the speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."

The husband says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, “Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the husband looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says, through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut!!?"

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $250 fine.”

The husband says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the husband turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??!!”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

The wife smiles at the officer and says, "Only when he's been drinking."

A litle girl came into the house, crying.

"What's wrong, honey?" asked her father."The boys won't play with me because I don't have a penis."

"Don't worry. In ten years you can have all the penises you want."

Archeologists have found records that prove the first words ever uttered by a woman were, "Not tonight. I've got a headache."

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
Archaeologists have found records that prove the first words ever uttered by a woman were, "Not tonight. I've got a headache."

This disagrees with ancient mythology that says Eve seduced Adam, thus "original sin" entered the world through a woman. One might find the Lilith story enlightening as well. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilith

So, upon seeing what Adam had to offer she more likely scoffed, "What? With THAT little worm??? I got a four cubit long snake to take care of me, and when I'm through there's Schmuel the angel!"

Eve was actually the first entrepeneur. She made Adam's banana stand.

****************************************************
A beautiful young lay went to the doctor and asked for an exam. H told her to undress, then began to feel her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asked

"I'm hecking for lumps," he said.

Then he kissed her. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Checking for tonsillitis," he replied.Ten he placed his turgid member inside herm

"Oh my god!" she said. "What are you doing?"

"Checking for gonorrhia."

"Oh, good. That's why I wanted the exam."

A grup of military personnel were having a lecture on wlerness survival. The instructor asked, "What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?"

The Navy man said "I kick itout of the tent."

The soldier said, "I wuld crush it with my rifle."

The Marine sai, "I would stomp it to deah my bare feet."

The Airman aid, "I'd call the concierge and ask what a tent was doing in my room."

Shakespeare walked into a pub. The bartender said, "You can't come in here. You're Bard!"

A man was on his deathbed. His wife remained at his side, bringing him water or whatever else he needed, wiping his brow and other parts, as necessary.

The husband asked his wife to lean closer so she could hear When she leaned close, he whispered, "When I was sick with pneumonia, you were there with me.
When my business failed, you were there for me.
When I was shot, you were there by my bedside.
Now, in my darkest hour, you're beside me."

"yes, dear. Here I am."

"It seems to me you're as jinx, so get the **** out of here."

A soldier returned from a year's deployment and was surprised to find his wife was eight months pregnant.

When she went for a checkup, the soldier took the doctor aside and asked how it could have happened.

The doctor said, "This happens all the time. It's what we call a 'grudge pregnancy'".

"A grudge pregnancy? What is that?"

"She had it in for yoy."

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Thought you would like to be first in line to buy some!

"While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go--the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).

A salesman had stopped at a farmhouse and while discussing business with the farmer he was surprised to see a three-legged pig run through the yard. "That's unusual. What happened to his leg?" he said.

The farmer said, "Yes, that is a highly unusual animal. One day a tornado came through and that pig ran into the house sqealing, and alerted us in time to get sheltered."

"That's amazing! But what happened to his leg?" said the man.

"That's not the half of it. One night the house caught fire and that pig broke down the door and pulled the covers until we all woke and left the house."

"Again, that's amazing, but what happened to his leg?"

"With a pig like that, you can't eat him all at once."

While searching for something else I found this:
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Saskatchewan

A ma thought his wife was cheating on him, so he came home early one day. He found his wife in a sheer negligee, with a cigar burning in the ashtray. Incensed, he searched the apartment but couldn't find anyone. He stepped out on the balcony and saw a man exiting the building. He hoisted the refrigerator and dropped it in the fleeing man. But the exertion was too much and he died from a heart attack.

He soon found himself n line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked how he came to be there.

"I saw a man standing below me and dropped my fridge on him but the strain was too much." St. Peter let him in.

The next man related his tale. "I had just finihed some inurance business and as I stepped outside ti lght a cigarette a refrigerator landed on me and I died." St. Peter let him in.

Then the third man spoke. "I really don't know what happened. See, I was hiding inside this refrigerator..."

Old Jewish Joke: Some students were curious how their brilliant Rabbi would reason his way out of an odd situation. So one night they kept toasting his health until he fell asleep from the drink. They then moved him to the cemetery and hid to see what he would say as he woke up. When he did, his logic was "If I'm alive, why am I in the cemetery? If I'm dead, why do I have to go the bathroom?

A Scot had been drinking heavily and on his way home he had to take the opportunity to urinate by the side of the road. However, in the act, his imbibing caught up to him and he passed out.

As he lay there with everything in view, a young girl passed by. Disgusted, she removed her hair ribbon and wrapped it tightly around the extended member.

The next morning the Scot awakened to a terrific pain in his crotch. He looked down at the cause and said, "I don't know where we've been, laddie, but we seem to have won fust prize."

The Pope made an unannounced visit to his native Argentina to visit friends.

Since his old car had been sold he hired a taxi. Wanting to show his humility - and wanting to get behind the wheel for the first time since becoming the pope, he asked his driver to let him drive.

Not wanting to offend him, the driver conceded and they swapped places. Alas, a burro darted into the road around a blind corner the the pope hit it. He stopped and got out to see if the beast were still alive. Soon a crowd arrived, as did several policemen.

Not knowing what to do, a policeman called the Mayor.
"Whose car is it?" the mayor asked. "I don't know, the policeman answered, "I think it must be God.

"God?" the mayor bellowed? Are you crazy? he asked. But, Señor Mayor, the policeman stammered, "The pope's his chauffeur!"

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
A Scot had been drinking heavily and on his way home he had to take the opportunity to urinate by the side of the road.

Mike Cross wrote a song about that in 1979, called "The Scotsman." He recorded it, as did others. Here it's sung by Bryan Bowers. Here it's sung as "Under the Scotsman's Kilt," supposedly by Jim Stafford, but it sounds like the same person to me.

A salesman stopped at a farmhouse and was taking business on the porch with the farmer. Suddenly an animal sped through the farmyard and disappeared around the corner. A few minutes later the creature once more raced across the yard and out of sight.

"What was that?" asked the man. "I could swear that was a four-legged chicken."

"That's exactly what it is. We're breedng them so everyone can have a drumstick."

"That's amazing. What do they taste like?"

"No one knows. We haven't been able to catch the SOB."

The answer is: Ron Jeremy, Linda Lovelace, and Donald Trump.

The question is: name three stars of porn movies.

Sad to say, it's no joke. After Trump called for people to look for an alleged porn tape by Miss Universe, journalists came up with a soft porn tape starring The Donald.

This joke has made the rounds since WW2, reporting it as happening in North Africa, or Japan. The larest variation involves Afghanistan.

A foreign affairs officer was coordinating with a local mayor on the culture in the country. He asked the mayor why men walked in front while the wives stayed a pace behind.

"Religion requires it," said the mayor.

The American thought that highly undemocratic and worked to change the practice without success. Eventually he was recalled for other assignments and didn't return for several years.

Upon returning he noticed things had chaged. The women now preceded the men. Gratified he had possibly been responsible for the more liberal attitudes, he asked the mayor why practices has altered.

The mayor said, "Land mines."

Whe forests were lentiful, an advertisement was placed asking for experienced lumberjacks. The supervisor was surprised to see a scrawny little man arrive, wieklding an axe bigger than he was.

"Why are you here?" he asked.

The little guy said, "I'm applying fr the job."

"You don't look like you can handle the work."

"Oh, but I can. I've done it before."

"Really? Where have you chopped trees?"

"My last job was in the Sahara Forest."

"The Sahara is a desert."

"Now, it is."

This is going around on Twitter:

Fourscore and seven weeks ago I brought forth upon this continent a tremendous campaign, conceived as the most lucrative deal ever and dedicated to the self-evident proposition that nobody is my equal.

Now I am engaged in a rigged election, testing whether that nasty bitch is going to steal what is rightfully mine, or whether my campaign can lock her up where she belongs while I divert millions in donations into profit for my companies. I come here to dig up this sacred ground and lay the foundation for the greatest Trump Hotel ever, a luxurious resting place for scores of gorgeous models, whom I will date as soon as they turn 14. This I may with all my properties do.

But, in the making America great sense, after I inaugurate, I cannot allow anyone ever again to regulate or litigate against me or my enterprises. The corrupt media and party traitors who struggled to bar me from my goal I will subjugate. The world will deeply note, and forever remember, what I say here because I will order it engraved and covered in gold leaf on every building for 100 miles in every direction and memorized by every school child in the nation.

It is for me, the soon-to-be greatest president who ever was or will be, to obligate the nation to undertake the great task remaining ahead—that, from this day forward all shall be unwaveringly devoted to that cause for which I have dedicated myself, culminating in the birth of a government of me, by me, for me, to cherish forevermore

Prostitutes for Trump: Strumpets. I wonder why he didn't pick Bill Cosby as his running mate?

From the web:

I asked a librarian friend whether she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schroedinger's Cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure it whether was available.

A ninety-year-old man was being examined prior to his wedding to a twenty-year-old girl. "Mr. Jones," said the doctor, "you realize this marriage could be fatal."

"Yes, doc. I suppose it could, but if she's gonna go, she's gonna go."

quote:

Originally posted by haberdasher:
From the web:

I asked a librarian friend whether she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schroedinger's Cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure it whether was available.

Now THAT's witty!

On her wedding night, the young bride was discussing keeping secrets with her husband. "I really think we should tell each other about our past sex life. As for me, I have never slept with anyone but you. How many woman have you slept with?"

"Let me see One , two, three, four, you, six, seven, eight..."

know the difference between sex and a hamburger?
No, I don't.
Let's go to McDonad's.

How was your honeynmoon?

We went to the Grand Canyon and other national parks.

Oh. that must have been beautiful. Did you enjoy the sights?

Not really. All I saw was ceilings.

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no."
The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A young girl from Calcutta began working in an American accounting office. Because she was pretty and exotic due to her native garb and the red dot on her forehead, all the office studs sought to date her. All failed.

But young Johnson boasted he could conquer the young lady. Sure enough, he won a night out with her and the next day everyone wanted to know what happened the previous evening.

"Oh, it was a great night," he said.

"Did you go to bed with her?"

"I certainly did. But the pleasure didn't end there?"

"How could there be more?"

"You know the red dot on her forehead?
I scraped it off and found I was a $5,000 instant winner."

A baby turtle slowly and laboriously climbed to the top of a tree. Then it carefully crawled out on a limb and flapped its legs as it leaped from the tree. It fell to the forest floor but luckily its shell prevented injury, so it shook itself and made its way back to the tree.
The turtle slowly climbed again to the treetop and crept slowly onto a high branch. Once more it waved its legs and plummeted to earth. Shaking itself again it slowly moved back to the tree and began to climb again.
Two birds were sitting on their nest watching and one bird said to the other, “Do you think we should tell him he’s adopted?”

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

Several Naval officers were discussing a approaching ceremony for a retiring admiral and couldn’t agree on how many guns should fire in salute.
The first officer said one gun since it would be solemn and dignified. A second man insisted on two guns for the two great battles he’d won. But the next said three guns would commemorate the three ships the admiral had commanded during his tenure.
“Sorry, but the President has settled on four guns. There is no argument.”
The officers stormed out the door in protest and, as they left, one man yelled, “I wouldn’t have bothered coming if there was already a four-gun conclusion!”

At a revival meeting, the preacher was really stirring up the congregation. Reaching the high point in his sermon, he announced it was time for the laying on of hands to cure serious afflictions.

A little old woman struggled to stand on crutches but then had to be carried onto the stage. The preacher said, “Tell us your name and what ails you, sister.”

“My name is Sister Smith and I’ve needed these crutches since I got polio.”

“Well, sister. You go behind that screen and we’ll pray that you may be cured.”

As the woman painfully moved behind the screen, a man stepped forward. “Reverend, my name is Brother Jones and I”ve had a thevere thpeech impediment I’d like cred”

“Certainly, brother. Go behind the creen and we’ll all pray for your full release.”

Brother Jones disappeared behind the screen and the preacher together with the assembled flock began to pray. As they prayed, like a sign from above, lightning flashed and thunder rumbled. The audience came to its feet and praised the Lord.

“Sister Smith!” called the preacher. Show how you’ve been cured by tossing your crutches and standing on your strong firm legs!” And a pair of crutches clattered on the stage. The enraptured crwd cheered and applauded.

“Now, Brother Jones! Speak to us in your new fine clear voice!”

“Thither Thmith jutht fell on her ath!”

An electron is speeding down the highway when he gets pulled over by a State Trooper.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" barks the cop.

"No, sir," mutters the electron, "but I know exactly where I am..."

(Heisenberg strikes again.)

Had the electron been Mexican, and it did know, would it have said, "C?"