I think they are interchangeable, although one is seemingly used more for females than males.

Bill Nye debated Ken Ham last night and began his talk by referring to his signature bow tie. He said is father wore one and got the practice from watching his father (Nye's grandfather). He said his grandfather had to rent a tuxedo and was given a bow tie, untied, which he didn't know how to tie. He took a chance and knocked on the door of the room next door in his hotel and asked the occupant if he could help. The man said, "Certainly. Come in and lie on the bed.'
Nye's grandfather was nonplussed but decided to take a chance and reclined on the bed. The man leaned over and tied a perfect bow.
"Thank you, sir. But why did I have to lie on the bed for you to tie it?"
"That's the only way I know how. I'm an undertaker."

Did you know you can get inoculated in India against bad wordplay? I'm going there to get a pun jab.

The Twelve Days of Cbristmas

December 14
Dear John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes

December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine ... two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must really protest. I don't deserve such generosity . . three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,
Agnes

December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

December 19
Dear John:
I opened my door today and there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge!

Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through this racket.
Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20
Dear John:
What's with you and these **** birds? Seven swans a swimming! What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny so stop with those birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes


December 21
OK, buster ... I think I prefer the birds. What the bell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and the maids, but they brought their damn cows. Lay off me, smartass!

Agnes


December 22
Hey, * * * * head! What are you some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing! And Christ, do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over the birds, and the neighbors have started a petition to evict me! You'll get yours,

Agnes

December 23
You rotten ##*%%. Now there's ten ladies dancing! I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The commissioner of
buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you!

One who means it. Agnes

December 24
Listen * * * * head, what's with the eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! The pipers ran through all the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty three birds are dead. They got trampled in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have inflicted upon our client

Agnes Mendolstein. The destruction was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Mendolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. Please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Law Offices
Bugger, Bender & Cornhole

Not quite a joke but it still struck me funny.

After the Bill Nye-ken Ham debate, creationists posted comments for evolutionists to answer. A YouTuber asked for her own questions from evolutionists and one was:

If God was angry about the Tower of Babel, what does He think about the International Space Station?

It's all rubbish. All god had to do to confuse language after Adam was to invent Eve. Men haven't understood a damned thing ever since.

Another creationist comment was "If man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?"

Someone said, "If man was created from dirt, why is there still dirt?"

A man went to the doctor and confessed that he kept having uncontrollable urges to steal electronic equipment. The doctor prescribed some drugs and arranged to see him again in a month's time.

At his second visit the man proudly said that he'd had no more impulses to steal. The doctor was pleased at the apparent success of his treatment and they arranged for another appointment in a month.

However, the doctor heard the next day that his patient had been caught stealing iPads from the Apple Store. He went down to the gaol and asked what had happened.

"You told me to keep taking the tablets."

In the middle of the last century, after segregation had been discontinued in the military, a southern Marine drill sergeant was lecturing a new group of trainees.

"The president has declared there is to be no discrimination based on color in the Marines. There is no longer any distinction between black and white. There is only one color and that is Marine Green. We will now depart for the training area. I want all the light green Marines to sit in the front of the bus and you dark green Marines to sit in the back."


****************************************

While they were building the Sochi Olympics venues, workers were inspected every time they entered or left the area. Every day one worker went through the gates pushing a wheelbarrow full of sand. The guard thoroughly inspected the sand, pushing a bayonet through it, but never finding anything. This went on every working day for months. The guard was deepy suspicious but couldn't fathom what he knew was illegal activity.

Finally, one morning, the guard stopped the worker. "I'm being transferred to Siberia," he said. "I know you are stealing from the project and it's driving me crazy not knowing how. I promise, I will not tell, since I am already in trouble. What are you taking from the site."

The worker pondered for a minute, then decided it was safe to come clean. "Simple, comrade," he said. "I'm stealing wheelbarrows."

...and when Jack Benny told the equivalent joke on the radio 60 years ago, the worker was stealing sand. (Only in his joke it wasn't sand, it was excelsior.)

You're showing your age, Hab! ;-) And do you know his real name? His date of birth was yesterday, BTW - in case you want to send him greetings. Too bad today's crop will say, "Jack who?" Same goes for Jack Parr, Jack Webb, Jack London (who reads!)or even Jack Nicholson.

Obviously I channeled my radio listening habits in my youth for that one, unconsciously of course. And I recall all those "Jacks", although my wife says I don't know Jack Shit.

quote:

You're showing your age, Hab! ;-) And do you know his real name? His date of birth was yesterday, BTW - in case you want to send him greetings.

Showing my age? That's for sure! 39 years old if I'm a day. Just ask Benjamin Kubelsky himself; he'll tell you. (Jack "Benny" didn't come out of thin air...)

...and in Jack Benny's joke there was a kicker. Benny told the joke to his underground-vault guard, ("What are you stealing?" "Excelsior!") and the studio audience laughed...but the guard didn't move a muscle. Benny then apologized, said he was sorry, he had forgotten, the guard had been so long on the job underground that he wouldn't know what excelsior was. And the guard came back, "I don't even know what a wheelbarrow is..."

Ah, you DO know your Jack Benny! You must be old enough to remember the radio show. What long-defunct brand of car did he have?

As for excelsior, as I recall, it was just wood shavings. And I think it's the New York state motto. Funny to have a state motto be, "Sawdust!"

...(I use way too many ellipses) had to think for a while, but it was a Maxwell.

"It's the Jack Benny program, with Mary Livingston, Rochester [Eddie Anderson], Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and Yours Truly, Don Wilson." In NYC it was heard on WJZ [ 780 AM ? ], ABC network, Sunday evenings at 7, just after Our Miss Brooks with Eve Arden, and before the Phil Harris show along with Alice Fay. (But don't ask me who the sponsor was.)

Simpler days in some ways; scarier, in others.

Were you frightened by Orson Welles War of the Worlds?

I was frightened by Orson Bean.

I was frightened by bomb drills.

I was scared by mandrills.

Yeah, that country singer Barbara Mandrill is pretty scary.

Saddam Hussein heard a Marine was trapped in a cave in Iraq. He told his sergeant to take a squad and kill the Marine. The sergeant headed confidently toward the cave. here were sounds of heavy firing but none of the Iraqis came back.

Hussein ordered his lieutenant to take a platoon and kill the Marine. Off went the platoon, firing ensued, but no one came back.

So Saddam told his captain to assault the cave with a full company. No survivors.

So Saddam prepared to send two divisions in to the battle. But first, now getting very upset, Saddam called for a tank division to take the cave. Six hundred tanks rolled off, firing as they went. Finally there was silence. Then a lone Iraqi came stumbling back to headquarters, yelling, "Go back. Go back. It's a trap! There's two of them!"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

If you eat yogurt and practice yoga, are you a yo-yo?

A recent study asked for people to evaluate jokes and also submit their own favorites to determine what is funny and also what the best joke is. As a result, after checking and judging thousands of entries, this is what most people thought funny.

Two friends were hunting and one accidentally shot the other. The shooter was horrified by what had happened and, seeing his buddy still with glazed eyes, he used his cell to call 911.

"Help. My friend has been shot and I think he's dead. What should I do?"

"Calm down. First we have check his condition to be sure he's dead.'

"OK. Wait a minute." There were the sounds of the man walking back to his friend. Then there was a gunshot. Then the man returned to the phone.

"Yes, he's dead. Now what?"

Mrs. Johnson was so worried about her husband she went to the doctor for advice.

"Doctor, Arnold has started eating dog food. First it was just a few dry kibbles on a dare. Then he tried some canned food. What should I do?"

"I admit that's odd, but I wouldn't worry about it as long as he's eating his regular food and is in good health. As long it's just an occasional bite it shouldn't harm him. He'll probably grow tired of it after a while and quit. But if he starts eating more and it interferes with his regular meals come in and see me again."

Mrs. Johnson was dubious, but she went home and tried not to worry. A month later she was back in the office.

"Doctor, he's snacking on dog food every day now."

"Is he still eating his regular meals?"

"Yes."

"Is he gaining weight?"

"No."

"Any other odd habits?"

"No."

"Well, if he's eating his regular meals, not gaining weight, and hasn't developed any other odd habits, then I'd say he's maintaining his health and isn't harming himself. He may just be doing this to upset you. He may think it's funny. If he develops any other odd behavior habits let me know, but I think he's just doing this to annoy you. Ignore it and don't let it show that it bothers you and he'll grow tired of it and stop."

Six months later the doctor saw Mrs. Johnson in the grocery store.

"Hello, Mrs. Johnson, I haven't seen you back in the office so I assume Mr. Johnson has stopped eating dog food and is back to his regular self."

"Arnold isn't eating dog food anymore, Doctor. He died last month."

The doctor was shocked. "I'm so sorry. Did it have anything to do with his eating dog food?"

"No, Doctor, he was sitting in the middle of the road licking his dick when he got hit by a car."

Should an unhappily-married manicurist file for divorce?

Sure she should, and her partner will get nailed. Callous of her, of course.

A cop on the beat saw an old man sitting on the curb, crying. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked.
"I'm 85 years old and the other day I met this beautiful 25-year-old model. She fell head over heels for me and within two days we were married. Then I learned she was not only beautiful but also a gourmet cook. She made all kinds of wonderful dishes and then at night took me to bed and showed me every pleasure a man could desire."
"Well," said the cop. "That sounds great. But it doesn't explain why you're crying."
"I can't remember where I live."

8888888888888888888888888888888888

Every night the local nursing home gives the old men a Viagra pill. Apparently it prevents them from rolling out of bed.

I just received this from my brother. It's not particularly funny, but it has a ring of truth to it.

A senior citizen asked his 80-year-old buddy, “So I hear you’re getting married?”
“Yep!’”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“‘Not really.’”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a mouse.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”

I think it's funny!

This was shown on Facebok as a true story - I suspect it's just a joke...


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

This is a fairy tale.
Once upon a time, a huge dragon threatened to destroy the kingdom, so the king declared that any man who could slay the beast could marry one of his daughters. Many knights tried but all failed to vanquish the behemoth. Then, just when all seemed lost, a brave knight appeared and rode off bravely to face the monster.
When the sounds of battle ceased, the knight, bloody but unbowed, appeared at the gate with the monster's head to present to the king.
"Wonderful work, my son. Now we must choose. Do you want my beautiful daughter Elizabeth?"
"Mo, sire.'
"Do you seek my glamorous daughter Emily?'
"No, sire."
"Do you desire my luscious daughter Rebecca?"
"No, sire."
"If you don't want any of those three, who do you want/'
"I want you, king."
I told you this was a fairy tale.

Seen on Facebook:

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Sherlock Holmes nudged Dr. Watson. "Wake up, Watson."
"What is it, Holmes?"
"Look up and tell me what you see."
"Ah, yes. Obviously,I perceive the greatness of God in creating the universe with its multitude of stars and planets, all moving in a slow dance across the heavens. Is that what you perceive?"
"No, you asshole. Obviously someone has stolen our tent."

Saturday Night Live[/b] did a sketch once more skewering [I]Fox and Friends. For those unfamiliar with American TV, SNL is a comedy show and F&F is also one, although they claim they are a discussion program. F&F is noted for factual errors and often run corrections on a roll at the end, so fast that no one can read them. So SNL did the same at the end of the parody. If you couldn't read the roll, here is the list of supposed errors for that segment:

• Ukraine was not Frasier’s brother on the show “Frasier.”
• ”Game of Thrones” is not an adult version of musical chairs.
• There is no such restaurant as “Ruth’s Chris Christie’s.”
• Jackson Browne is only one person.
• Malaysia is not the female version of Asia.
• Neal deGrasse Tyson does not own a sandwich shop named “Quizmos.”
• You can not abbreviate the Supreme Court to spell SCROTUM.
• Michelle Obama has never done porn.
• Hong Kong is a region in China. Not a video game from Nintendo.
• ”Vaping” is not having sex with a vacuum cleaner.
• Michael Strahan isn’t leaving to go be in “Good Morning Vietnam”
• Crimea is not related to Queen Latifah.
• Pop Tarts do not cause “splosions.”
• Boeing is a company. Not a sound effect.
• Pharrell is not a “stylish hand sanitizer.”
• Chicklets do not grow up to be roosters.
• Chris Christie was never in the show “Three’s Company.”
• Infinity pools have a limited amount of water.
• Garfunkle is not Garfield’s black cousin.
• The Chile Earthquake is not a bold new product from Dairy Queen.
• Don Cheadle does not appear if you say “Cheadlejuice” three times.
• Joe Biden’s office is only sometimes a’-rockin’.
• Lifesavers aren’t medicine.
• Captain Phillips is not a brand of rum.
• Marvin Gaye liked women.
• Nancy Pelosi is a human woman.
• God loves figs.
• Noah is not “found footage.”
• Captain America was never a U.S. President.
• The periodic table is not about “lady stuff.”

Kalleh will like this one from Phil Proctor.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to
make love to me, this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

After Hurricane Sandy, the storm left many telephone poles broken, in need of replacement. The utility company looked for experienced workers to do the job of digging holes for the poles but soon ran out of capable hands. An immigrant came to the boss and said he and his fellows could do the job. The boss decided to give them an opportunity. But at the end of the first day the man said that his crew had only put in three poles.
"The experienced men put down forty or fifty. You have to better."
The next day the man reported he had inserted six poles, but his crew was exhausted.
"But my other men are now up to sixty a day."
"I don't believe it," said the worker. "Where are these poles/"
The boss drove him to a work site and pointed to the poles being erected.
"See? That's how you do it."
"Are you kidding? Look how much they leave sticking out of the ground."

Here's an old one, and I do mean old.

Back in the old days, before self-service, a woman called the local Chinese laundry and asked the owner to pick up a bundle at her house. She no sooner put down the phone than the doorbell rang. On answering it, she found the Chinese laundryman.
"Wow! You come lickety-split."
"Oh, no. Me only come pick up lanudly."

The list I posted above about the SNL spoof of Fox and Friends came at the end of the skit. During the sketch, the blonde lady (all Fox women are blondes) and her two white male colleagues moan about ObamaCare and how hard it is to sign up for it.

One man complains that he has trouble signing up for everything. He says he spent years trying to join the NAACP.

lBlondie stares at him incredulously, then asks why he wants to join the NAACP.

"I've always liked college basketball," he says.

Then life imitates art.

That was Saturday night. Tuesday morning the REAL blonde lady on Fox & Friends was announcing the previous night's sports and said (I kid you not), "The UConn Huskies last night won the NAACP championship." OOOPS!

Trying to make some sense of the above I Googled 'NAACP'. One of the first hits had the story: http://www.washingtonpost.com/...acp-national-champs/. Googling also told me (although I'd already guessed) that UConn stands for 'University of Connecticut'.

quote:

Originally posted by arnie:
Trying to make some sense of the above I Googled 'NAACP'. One of the first hits had the story: http://www.washingtonpost.com/...acp-national-champs/. Googling also told me (although I'd already guessed) that UConn stands for 'University of Connecticut'.

ditto

A blonde woman decided to go ice fishing. She took her equipment out and began to chip a hole in the ice, when a voice said, "No ice fishing here."

Assuming she'd taken someone else's spot, she moved to another point on the ice. She began to chip an opening when once more the voice said, "I told you there's no ice fishing here."

She looked around, but didn't see anyone. So she looked up and said, "Is that you, God?"

"No. It's the manager of the skating rink."

A behavioral psychologist and a biologist were discussing animal intelligence. They were both avid golfers and debated whether other animals could learn the game. The biologist insisted they could but the behaviorist said no. So they made a wager. The biologist would try to teach an animal to play a hole of golf.

The biologist was friendly with the local zoo director and prevailed on him to allow a gorilla to learn the game. After intensive training, over a year of hard work, the scientist decided the gorilla was ready for the test. All it had to do was hit a drive to the green and sink the putt.

The men and the gorilla went to a par-4 hole and the gorilla was handed a ball. It set the ball neatly on a tee, inspected the golf bag, and retrieved a driver. It addressed the ball, checking the distance and direction, then went back to the bag and withdrew a 3-iron, instead.
Once more it positioned itself, swung the iron, and smashed a 400-foot shot to the front of the green where it rolled to within six inches of the cup.

The biologist was overjoyed since all the gorilla had to do was sink the putt and he'd win the bet.

Everyone walked to the green, where the gorilla took a putter from the bag. It then took a few practice strokes, moved up to the ball, and hit it 400 yards down the fairway.

Despite the Romans' getting all the credit for roads, viaducts, and such, the Jews actually invented them. That's why at this time of year they celebrate Overpass.

Mommy, Mommy. What's a vampire?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots.

Remember those/

Today marks the three-hundred-year anniversary of the invention of the toilet seat. This established a milestone in the history of mankind. However, things improved substantially sixty-five years later when someone perfected it by putting a hole in the center.

An insurance salesman was visiting with an old woman, trying to sell her a policy. But the woman resisted every ploy and, feeling frustrated, the salesman kept picking peanuts out of a bowl on the table. Finally, he gave up trying to sell and prepared to leave.

He noticed that he had unintentionally eaten almost all the peanuts that had been in the bowl. "I'm sorry I was so rude," he said. "Let me buy you another bag of peanuts."

"Don't worry about it," said the woman. "My son brings me a box every week. They're covered with chocolate and since I don't have teeth I just suck the chocolate off and spit out the peanuts."

This is from Steve Gillette and Cindy Mangsen's website:

A wealthy business man and his wife were having dinner in the restaurant of a very exclusive resort in the Bahamas. The man got up to visit the bathroom and on his way back he received a very passionate embrace from a beautiful blond. His wife noticed this and when he sat down, she asked, "Who was that?"

"Oh," he said sheepishly, "That was my mistress."

"Why you beast!" she said, "I want a divorce."

"O.K." he said, but it means we'll have to give up the place in Aspen, and the estate in Belize, and of course those shopping trips to Europe, and...."

As he was speaking she noticed one of the company board members dining across the way with a pretty brunette and she said, "Who's that with Wayne?"

"Oh, that's his mistress" was the reply.

She said, "Ours is cuter."

The car taking a young couple on the way to their wedding was involved in a crash with a truck, and they found themselves outside the Pearly Gates instead of the church gate. They asked St Peter, "Can we get married in Heaven?" "I don't know," he replied, "No-one's ever asked that before. I'll go and find out."

Three months later St Peter returned, and rather grumpily told them "Yes, you can." "We've been wondering," said the groom, "What if it doesn't work out? Could we get a divorce in Heaven?"

"Oh, come on!" shouted St Peter, "It took me three months to find a priest up here. Have you any idea how long it would take to find a lawyer?"

Well the lawyers certainly have a bad reputation.

It just takes 99% of lawyers make all the rest look bad.