We were discussing the world's greatest lovers and I said America had some of the best, like Humphrey Bogart and his ilk. But my friend, who is French, demurred, pointing out that many great lovers in history had been French. I agreed and thought the discussion over but our friend Mario was incensed that we ignored Italy.
\
'While you both claim people in the past have been great lovers, Italy today has the best ever, Ugi Pippilini. In fact, his feat was in all the newspapers just this morning."

"I didn't see that story, and I read the whole paper. Where is the article?"

Mario pulled a cut-out piece of newsprint from his pocket and proudly pointed to the headline:

HUGE PIPELINE LAID COAST TO COAST

Pretty funny.

It does make me wonder who does have the best lovers. While French always purports to, my vote would be Italy.

quote:

It does make me wonder who does have the best lovers

Any policeman since they are always undercovers.


A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American also applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications and were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," replied the manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager said, "It's simple. The American answered 'I don't know' to question number 5. You put down 'Neither do I.'"

John went to the doctor and insisted that he be castrated. The doctor asked if he was sure he wanted that operation and John insisted. "My wife says she wants me castrated and if that's what she wants, that's what she'll get."

So the doctor scheduled the procedure and the feat was quickly accomplished. He called the wife into the patient's room and told them, "The operation was a success , but I must say it isn't often that a man asks to be castrated."

"Castrated?" said his wife. "That idiot! I told him I thought he should get circumcised."

I'm afraid there's a Christmas scandal. Seems the reason Santa knows who's naughty and nice is he works for NSA.

What's long, gray, and can be found at the bottom of the ocean?

Moby's dick.

Why is my old girl friend like a police station?

They both have dicks going in and out all day and night.

I was surprised to see my grandmother gift-wrapping a dildo. "Granny," I hollered in her good ear. "Why are you wrapping that item?"

She said the church was collecting things for Christmas and it was then that I realized she had mis-heard "Toys for Tots."

* * * * * * * * * M* * * * * *

Reminds me of the deaf woman who was always pregnant. It seems her husband would get into bed and tap her on the shoulder, then say, "You want to go to sleep, or what?"
She'd say, "What?" and off they went.....

A one-armed man walked into a sporting goods store and asked the clerk to see some fishing rods. The clerk was astonished and asked the man if he did much fishing.

"Yes, I do. I go out every week for several hours."

"But how do you cast since you only have one arm, if I may ask," said the clerk.

"Simple. I put the handle under my arm, and swing the rod to cast the line, like this," and he demonstrated how he did it.

The clerk was impressed and asked, "That's amazing. Have hou caught many big fish?"

"Oh, yes. Just the other day I caught one," holding out his arm, "this big."

John wanted to buy a plot of land to build a house and learned a local farmer was interested in selling some parcels of land. So John asked the farmer if he could inspect the property and they began the inspection.

"This is a nice section," said John. "Would you be inclined to part with it?"

"No," said the farmer. "This place has sentimental value."

"Really? Why is that?"

"It was under that big tree that I lost my virginity."

"Well, I can understand your nostalgia," said John. "How about the parcel next to it?"

"No, I want to keep that property, too. That was where her mother watched as I lost my virginity."

"That's amazing. Didn't she say anything?"

"Of course. She kept saying 'Moooo'.

Since we must now condone blasphemy (after the Paris shootings).....

Matthew 12:17 And it came to pass that Jesus came upon a crowd who were about to stone a woman.
18 And Jesus saith unto them, "what crime hath this woman committed?"
19 And the people saith, "She hath committed adultery and must be killed."
20 And Jesus saith unto them, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
21 And a huge rock passed with great velocity over the crowd and struck down the adultress, causing grave injury.
22 And Jesus saith, "I told you to cut that shit out, Ma!"

While I was convalescing last year in a rehab center, I became acquainted with some of the elderly residents in the nursing home side. The other day I received a letter from a sweet little old lady I had befriended and I thought I would share her tender missive with you.

Dear Friend,

I want to thank you for your generous gift of a radio. It is very lonely here as I only have one companion in my room, Lettie Smith. Lettie has a radio of her own but she never lets me listen to it no matter how often I ask.

I am very grateful for your gift since it shows there is still a common thread of humanity in this harsh and difficult world. It is nice to know gracious and giving people such as yourself still exist.

Today Lettie broke her radio. She asked me if she could listen to mine. I told her to fuck herself.

Yours in the faith,
Janet Wilson

You reminded me of the abusive priest who used to abuse nuns, but he finally kicked the habit.

Try as I might, I was never able to master the "be in the moment" advice of several gurus - until I got Alzheimer's.

What was the first thing Tom Brady did with the new truck he was awarded at the Super Bowl?
Checked the tires to make sure they were fully inflated.

I haven't visited the local zoo for some time and this weekend I was surprised to see, in the exhibit with the lions, a lamb walking around. I stopped the keeper and said, "That's very unusual. How do you manage that exhibit?"
"It's simple. Every morning, you put in another lamb."

The father entered his son's room and said, "John, your mother tells me she caught you masturbating yesterday. That's a despicable practice with some serious side effects. For example, if you do it too often, your sight will fail...."
"I'm over here, Dad."

From Phil Proctor's newsletter:

n aging Boomer was in the Great Walmart of China the other day, pushing his cart around somewhat frantically,
when he collided with a young guy. “Sorry about that, “ he said, “I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “Look, I totally understand. I’m in the same boat -- I can’t find my wife either, and I’m actually
getting a little desperate. And she didn’t bring her phone with her, so I can’t even call her.”
So the old guy suggests, “Hey, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
“Well, OK,” the young guy says, “She’s 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”
The older guy thinks for a minute and then says, “Doesn’t matter - let’s look for yours.”

Last Sunday I watched "Religion and Ethics" (odd pairing, no?) on PBS and heard British Rabbi lord Jonathan Sacks mentioning a Norwegian rabbi who wants to repair the world: Tikkun Olaf.

Two cannibals married and one night at dinner the husband put down his fork and said to his wife, "I don't know how to put this but I don't like your mother."
"That's all right, dear," she replied. "Just eat the vegetables."

My friend mentioned that his male urologist retired and was replaced by a gorgeous young woman. On his last visit, she insisted that he stop masturbating. "Why do I have to stop?" he asked.
"Because I'm trying to examine you."

Two friends were playing golf and one man complained about the other's play. "I think I could train a gorilla to play better than you."
The second man offered to bet $100K that the first couldn't do that. So man #1 accepted the bet.
Man #1 found a gorilla at a local zoo and secretly trained the animal to swing a golf club. After a year of practice, the day arrived when the animal's skills could be put to the test.
The two men and the gorilla stood at the first tee, a 450-year par 4. Man #1 hit first, 280 yards down the fairway. Man #2 hit his slightly further to the right. The gorilla set up his ball, waggled a driver, and hit an arrow straight down the fairway, over 400 yards. The ball bounced onto the green and rolled to a stop ten inches from the hole.
The second man was astounded at the animal's prowess. When they all were on the green, Man #1 sank a ten-foot putt. Man #2 dropped a six-footer. Then the gorilla carefully took his putter, eyed the ball and measured the short distance to his target, pulled back the putter, swung, and hit the ball 450 yards down the fairway.

I like that. Sounds like it would make a good introduction to a sermon of some sort...

Two crocodiles were sitting on the banks of the Potomac River. The smaller turned to the bigger and said, “I can’t understand why you’re so much bigger than me. When we were kids, we were the same size.”

”Well,” said the big Croc, “what have you been eating?”

The smaller croc replied, “Politicians, same as you.”

“Where do you catch them?” asked the big one.

“On the other side of the river near the car park at the Capitol Mall,” said the little guy.

“And how do you catch them?’ asked the big Croc.

“I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes and wait for them to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em by the leg, shake the shit out of them and gobble ‘em down!”

“Ah,” says the big croc. “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. By the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole with a briefcase.”

A blonde came home and found her house was ablaze. Quickly, she dialed 911.

"Come quick. My house is on fire."

"Where do you live?"

"In a house, silly."

"No, I mean, how do we get there?"

"Duh, in your big red truck."

That's why they put GPS in all those new yuppy phones.

quote:

That's why they put GPS in all those new yuppy phones. Posts: 3230

There was a story yesterday about a bridge (PA?)that had been demolished. The state blocked the old entrance with cement blocks and traffic cones. Another bridge was opened further down the road. However, the old bridge is still on Google and people have actually moved the cones, then driven around the barrier onto what remains of the bridge. Several have almost gone over and the most recent actually plummeted thirty feet.

Quote of the Day: Politics is like driving. To go backward put it in R. To go forward put it in D.

One of the owners of the hardware store where I work placed a sign on the toilet saying, Please put the seat and lid down." So far my best put-downs are, "Seat, you're just like a Political Action Committee: All you do is support one asshole after another," and "Lid, you're like a secretary, constantly covering the boss's crap."

Now that the Blackhawks are playing in the Stanley Cup Finals, Rex Hupke, a Tribune columist and quite funny, wrote this about the "history" of hockey:

"...let me bring folks who don't know much about hockey up to speed using the knowledge gained through years of writing one story about the sport in 2010.

The game was created back in 1875 by a struggling Canadian dentist, Stanley Chiclets. He would bring two six-person teams out onto a frozen pond near Toronto, give each player a large stick, drop a small rock on the ice and say, "Go get 'em, boys. Aim for the teeth."

As players were repeatedly whacked in the face by sticks, rocks and fists, Chiclets would have them deposit their knocked-out teeth in a cup, which the players began calling Stanley's cup. He would spend evenings repairing the players' teeth, charging them exorbitant prices for the work.

Chiclets soon retired to Bali, but his sport remained popular with Canadians, whose only sources of entertainment previously had been moose tipping and envying America. The game was eventually named "hockey" in honor of Alexander LeHock, the first player to think of putting a net on the goal so the game didn't have to stop for hours after each score while players searched for the rock in nearby snowbanks.

Eventually the rock was replaced by a small rubber disk called a puck, which sounds a lot like what a player screams when one hits him in the teeth.

As hockey grew in popularity, it was decided that the best team each year would be honored with something called the Stanley Cup, a nod to the game's founder. (The trophy no longer contains the teeth of famous players, as it was decided in the 1950s that the tradition was "unsanitary and uncouth.")

If you need more background on the game, check out my e-book, 'Toothsplosion: One Columnist's Journey from Florida to Probably the Hockey Hall of Fame.'"

Since you mention the Tribune (presumably the Chicago Tribune), am I to understand that these "Blackhawks" are an ice hockey team based in Chicago?

You are correct. Sorry about that. Then here is Rex's take on Tampa Bay, where he was born. He lives in Chicago now:

"Now, let's get to the Lightning bashing.

Growing up in Tampa in the 1970s, there was no such thing as hockey. We would occasionally tromp through the swamps whacking lily pads with sticks, but that was just called swamp-trompin' or gator-ticklin' or soccer.

Because hockey didn't exist when I was younger, I don't believe the Tampa Bay Lightning actually exist now. The team is likely just a rumor started by a guy named Snapper who had a few too many margaritas at one of Tampa's approximately 17,000 strip clubs.

For the sake of argument, however, I'll allow that there may actually be an NHL franchise called the Lightning and that the Blackhawks may be playing them in Tampa on Wednesday.

Here's what you need to know to accurately insult Lightning fans and players. Some of this may sound harsh, but as a native Floridian I'm allowed to say these things, and I give you permission to say them as well.

While Florida is a nice place to visit, living there is an altogether different experience. Imagine the worst place on Earth, multiply it by 12 and then add an inordinate number of cockroaches.

The state's most popular sport is sweating, the state bird is a bloated sea gull corpse and the denizens of this humid hellhole subsist on a diet of rattlesnake meat and crystal meth.

The average male Florida resident has leathery skin and a face that says, "I would very much like to hit you in the head with a can of Budweiser." The average female resident spends most of her time bailing her husband, boyfriend, father or brother out of jail, the place he winds up each night after hitting someone in the head with a can of Budweiser.

Florida is the nation's largest producer of regrettable decisions and its primary export is people fleeing the state. In fact, it wasn't until I left Florida at age 17 that I realized the world had more to offer than early onset melanoma and the dream of one day driving a convertible Camaro while not wearing a shirt.

Looking at a map, it appears America is trying desperately to jettison Florida into the sea, a wise decision given that the state has brought us innumerable lowlights, including hanging chads during the 2000 presidential election and the existence of George Zimmerman.

The state is currently governed by a reptilian Republican named Rick Scott, whose primary plan to address poverty is to unhinge his jaw and devour all the poor people.

Come to think of it, the most charitable thing Chicagoans could do is root for the Lightning to win. It would give the unfortunate souls who inhabit Florida something to celebrate besides the opening of a new strip mall or going an entire week without someone committing an act of cannibalism.

But knowing Florida like I know it, someone there would probably just whack the Stanley Cup with a can of Budweiser and get arrested.

Let's not run that risk.

Use this knowledge I've shared to hurl accurate insults at the Lightning. And pray the Blackhawks players make it out of Florida alive."

BTW, the Blackhawks won the first game of this series last night.

The teacher, Mrs. Smith, was making the class put on their winter clothes before leaving school for the day. When several kids objected to her ministrations, she said, "You must all dress properly for the cold. My son went sledding last year and did not fully close his snow suit. As a result he got snow inside and caught cold, then pneumonia, and died." Tears filled her eyes and the children watched her silently.
Then one boy broke the silence.
"Mrs. Smith," he said softly. "We are all sorry to hear about your son."
"Thank you, Johnny. I appreciate that."
"Mrs. Smith."
"Yes, Johnny."
"can I have his sled?"

In his latest newsletter, Phil Proctor offered this story:

“Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months
and have been trying to pluck up the courage
to tell you to your face, but I am at least now
telling you in a text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without your knowing.
“The truth is that day and night I have been sharing your wife when you’re not around – in fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know
that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me, and I promise that it won’t happen again.”

Bob immediately grabbed his gun, went next door and shot the neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone and saw he had another message from his neighbor.

“Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry
about the typo in my last text. I expect you
worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you
noticed my autocorrect changed ‘WiFi’ To
‘Wife.’ Technology hey!? Hope you saw the
funny side of that.”

An insurance salesman was trying without success to sell a policy to a toothless old woman. As he tried reason with her, he unconsciously ate peanuts from bowl on her table. After a while he realized he had eaten almost the entire bowl of nuts, and apologized effusively.
"Don't be concerned," she said. "Every so often my son brings me peanut M&Ms, but I can only lick the coating off and then I put the nuts into the dish."

Sounds like a real story one of our friends tells us. Their mother picked up what she thought was a milk dud from the floor. However, it actually had come from the baby's diaper.

One problem with multiple meds is dry mouth at night. Since it is difficult for me to get out bed, I resorted to putting a glass of water on the nightstand. This worked well until one night when I reached for the glass, I noticed something else on the stand. It was my cat, sticking her paw inside the glass, then licking the moisture. The next night I used a bottle.

This joke is from a 1970s TV show.

God came down to Earth and the first person he saw was a black man.

“Can I ask you some questions?” asked the man
“Sure,” said God. “Ask away.”

“Why is my skin so black?”

“So you can hide in the jungle at night and elude your enemies.”

“Why are my feet so big?”

“So you can run away from jungle predators.”

“Why is my hair so kinky and nappy?”

“So the hot jungle sun doesn’t give you heatstroke.”

“One last question. If what you say is true, what the hell am I doing in Newark, New Jersey?”

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

*************

A lady walks into a fancy jewelery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,

Should Donald Trump win the election, it will be the first time a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

Very funny!

And it came to pass that an angel appeared unto Mary and told her the Holy Spirit would come unto her and make her with child

And it came to pass that soon Mary was with child

And at end of her term she did give birth to a boy child

And unto this day not one person in the Welfare Department believes her story.

A redneck was sitting on awharf with his feet dangling in the water. Suddenly he gave a blood-curdling scream, which alerted his sleeping buddy. The friend rushed to him asked what was wrong.
"An alligator chewed off my leg!"
"Which one?"
"I don't know. If you've seen one gator, ypu've seen them all."

Supposedly this is an actual cease-and-desist letter with the actual response. Persons named are real.

QUAKER OATS THREATENS TO SUE QUAKER OAKS CHRISTMAS TREE FARM

Dear Mr. William Lovett,

I am the attorney at the Quaker Oats Company responsible for trademark matters. As you probably know, our company manufactures numerous food products, the most famous of which is oatmeal. In addition to having used the Quaker Oats name as our company name for close to 100 years, we have registered the Quaker name as a trademark.

It was therefore quite a surprise to discover that you are operating a business under the name "Quaker Oats Christmas Tree Farm." Your use of our trademark is likely to mislead consumers into believing that your business is associated with the Quaker Oats Company. It is also likely to weaken our very strong trademark. In light of the foregoing, we hereby demand that you immediately stop all use of the "Quaker Oats" name…. While we would like to settle this matter amicably, we will take all steps which are necessary and appropriate to protect our name.—

Sincerely, Janet L. Silverberg, counsel.

Dear Janet Silverberg,

My breakfast this morning—rolled oats by the way—was interrupted by the arrival of your letter via FedEx, which was delivered to us despite the fact that you have misspelled our company name which is Quaker OAKS Christmas Tree Farm. Our farm was so named because religious services were held outdoors on this farm under a great oak tree until about ten years ago when we were able to move into our new Meetinghouse on another corner of our farm.

Our business is 100% owned and operated by Quakers. I suspect that your firm employs considerably fewer, if any, Quakers. We trace our Quaker ancestors back 320 years and they were mostly farmers, but I don’t know how many of them grew oats for your company. My guess is that you may be selling far more Lutheran oats, Methodist oats, or maybe atheist oats. Could your company be guilty of product source misrepresentation?

We don’t know why you choose to associate your commercial products with our faith, but we supposed you feel there is some marketing value from it. If you were selling machine guns, roulette wheels or some other product offensive to our Quaker faith, we would be upset by the association, but since we find your products wholesome and enjoyable, we consider your use of our name a compliment. We invite you to visit our farm to verify that we are indeed Quaker Oaks Christmas Tree Farm. If you come in December, we’d be happy to sell you a tree! —Sincerely, William Lovett, Visalia, California.

Speaking of Quakers, back before the Revolutionary War, a Quaker was awakened by the sound of a burglar breaking in. He climbed out of bed and grabbing his old musket silently descended the stairs,

In the fading firelight he could see a man rummaging through various drawers, searching for valuables.

The Quaker made a small cough and when the man turned, he said, "Friend, I would not wish thee any harm, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot."

There was a terrible plane crash, killing all aboard. When authorities came to notify the pilot's widow, she asked, "For his last words, did he mention my name?"

"I don't know. Are you Japanese?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because his last words were 'AhhhOhNo."

Here's a funny one on the web

Living with a cat for the first time, you quickly pick up on its behavioral quirks, many of which are common among other cats. What you soon find out is that cats aren't Republican. Here are 12 reasons why not:
1. Cats are curious about what you do in your bedroom, but they don't try to legislate away your freedom to do it.

2. Cats may take away your cushion, but they'll give it back to you with a gentle push.

3. Cats give you attention and sympathy when you're sick.

4. Females are treated with importance in the cat world.

5. Cats make use of solar power, often all day long.

6. Cats lick their own problems and take care of other cats too.

7. Cats don't blame black and brown cats for their troubles.

8. Cats know how to ration their resources.

9. Fat cats are not at the top of the cat hierarchy, are not cat role models, and have more trouble surviving and thriving, not less.

10. While Republicans blindly follow authority, it is said that getting Democrats to act in unison is like herding cats.

11. Cats don't foul their own nest.

12. Cats are popular and well-liked on the Internet and elsewhere.

Excellent!

The doctor told his patient, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Give me the good news."
"You're going to have a new disease named after you."

A woman was sitting in her seat on a plane when another passenger stopped and stared at her baby,

"My god, that isan ugly kid," he said.

The woman began to cry hysterically and stewardess came to see what was wrong,

"That man just insulted us!" she declared.

"There, there," said the attendant. "I'm going to get you a free drink and I'll try to find a banana for your monkey."