A man went to the doctor, complaining that when he broke wind, the sound that erupted was very strange. It was "Kia."
After examining him, the doctor asked if he was a beer drinker. "Yes, I am and I think the beer is what gives me the gas."
"Yes, that's true. So I want you to drink absinthe instead of beer."
"Will it stop me from breaking wind?"
"No, but absinthe makes the farts go 'Honda'".

That's damned good!

Phil Proctor told this in this week's newsletter:

A liberal Democrat woman from LA, who was a self-declared tree hugger, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract, and since she wanted a good view of her land, she decided to climb the ancient redwood. As she neared the top she encountered a Spotted Owl that unexpectedly attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist,
a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

“What took you so long?” The angry woman demanded.

He smiled and said, “Well, from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility.”

“I’m sorry, but because our conservative state doesn’t subscribe to Obamacare, I have to turn you down.”

Who the hell is Phil Proctor? Sounds like a really mean-spirited SOB.

Phil Proctor isn't a household name, I guess, but his is one of the more entertaining websites and newsletters (which you can sign up for if you visit his site).

Shortly before his wedding, the groom went out with his friends drinking. In the natural course of events, the evening degenerated into challenges of increasing risk. During one, the groom attempted to ride a skateboard on a railing but failed miserably, landing crotch-first on the metal support. He was in considerable agony, so his friends took him to the emergency room. The doctor took X-rays, then announced that the groom had suffered a broken penis. So the doctor splinted it and sent him home.

The groom didn't mention the injury and went through with the wedding ceremony. That night, his new bride went into the bathroom and emerged in a slinky negligee. She lifted the front, pointed between her legs, and said, "This has been untouched by any man."

The groom dropped his pants and pointed to the splint. "Look at this," he said. "Still in the original packing crate."

That's OK, he probably suffered a transference of corpus spongiosum to his corpus colosum. It's the most common form of male encephalopathy, according to the female physicians I've known.

I'm sorry to hear about your ailment.

"Hello, Pastor.'
"Hello, Sister Smith. I hope you enjoyed my Sunday sermon."
"Indeed, I did. I thought it was wonderful and inspired."
"I'm glad to hear that. I was a bit concerned because I saw your husband get up and leave in the middle of it."
"Oh, don't worry about him. Ever since he was a child, he has walked in his sleep."

********************************************

It is reported that the five Taliban leaders who were released in Qatar will be travelling to Afghanistan in style on a stretch camel.

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A three-humper?

quote:

A three-humper?

A Bacbactraction

And then there's Camilla...

Didja hear about the Medieval priest/linguist who averred that proper punctuation was unnecessary? He was burned at the stake for apostrophe.

Then he wasn't a cunning linguist.

Nope. They set fire to his colon. Why, in his chambers they even found a copy of the Comma Sutra!

That was a comma occurrence during that period.

They put a full stop to it, being English,y'see.

During a busy golf day, four strangers were agreed to play a foursome together. The round was uneventful until the twelfth hole when John and Mary drove their balls straight down the fairway. However, Ed and Kate hit hooks over the trees into an adjacent pasture full of cows. They walked into the treeline and disappeared into the pasture, looking for their balls.
John and Mary found their balls and waited patiently for the other two to re-appear. But after fifteen minutes they wondered what had happened and went to look for them.
Entering the pasture, they found Ed lying on the ground, bleeding from a severe head wound.
"What happened, Ed?" asked John. "Did an animal attack you?"
"No, we came into the field and our balls were nowhere in sight. After looking around for some time, I noticed one cow was standing kind of funny. When I approached, I noticed something white under her tail. When I lifted the tail, I found a golf ball stuck in her anus. I couldn't tell who it belonged to, so I held up the tail and said to Kate, does this look like yours?
That's when she hit me with her golf club."

This was sent to me from one of my older friends - I can't remember any of these :

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.


But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "greenthing" back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief(remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up oldnewspapers to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the"green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

I've seen this in several variants quite often.

John came home from a game of golf looking disheveled. His wife was concerned and asked what happened.
"It was terrible. We were playing a fine round and enjoying ourselves immensely until we hit the eleventh hole. Suddenly George fell to the ground with a heart attack."
"Oh, my god. That was awful. What did you do/'
"What could we do? For the rest of the day, it was hit the ball and drag George, hit the ball and drag George...'

Larry was playing golf one day and hit a drive down the fairway. As he prepared to it the next shot, a funeral passed by on a nearby road. Larry stopped his swing and stood quietly, his hat off and by his side, head down in prayer, as the cortege passed.
"Wow!" said his buddy. "I didn't realize you were such a religious person."
"I'm not," he said, "but, after all, I WAS married to the deceased for twenty years."

A blonde was upset because everyone thought she looked and acted like a ditz, so she decided to dye her hair to change her image. She came out of the hair salon as a brunette and immediately felt smarter. So she got into her convertible for a ride into the country.

As she passed a field, she spotted a herd of sheep and stopped to look them over. She especially liked the look of one and said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home/'

The shepherd thought it impossible so he agreed. The blonde studied the animals and said, "You have 157."

The shepherd was shocked. "You're right. So go ahead and take your pick."

The blonde grabbed one and put it into the convertible. As she began to enter the car, the shepherd said, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, will you give me back my dog?"

*********************************************

The same blonde went into Rent-A-Center to get a TV. She looked over all the sets but they were large screen models. She asked if the store rented smaller sets. So the clerk showed her some 21" screens, but she said they were too big, too.

She looked around and pointed to a shelf. "That's the one I want. The one with the little screen." The clerk looked and said, "Sorry. You can't have that one."

"Why can't I rent the one I want?"

"Because that's a microwave oven."

Phil Proctor told this story.

A five-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you
don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open
the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son, is your Grandma home?”

The boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a
fire. . . . and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were in an amusement part and found themselves in front of the Mirror of Truth. They wanted to see how it worked but the concession man warned them that the mirror would kill anyone who lied to it. They decided to try anyway.

The brunette said, "I am the smartest person in the world." A giant wind erupted out of the mirror and sucked the girl inside, killing her.

The redhead said, "i have the curliest hair of anyone." Once more the wind sucked in the girl, killing her.

The blonde got nervous and said, "I think..." and she got sucked into the mirror.

******************************************

A blonde applied for a job painting lines n the highway. The foreman was reluctant to employ her but she offered to show him how well she could do the job. So they gave her a can of paint, placed her on the highway and told her to paint the center line.

Half-an-hour later, the foreman went to check her progress and found she had done one hundred feet. Not bad for a beginner, so he told her to carry on.

An hour later, he checked again. She had only done about fifty more feet. Thinking she may have been getting tired, he decided to let her work a little longer.

When he came back an hour later, she had only painted another ten feet.

"Why are you slowing down?" he asked.

"I'm not slowing down. I'm just getting further and further away from the can."

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A blonde needed to choose a password and for security it had to have at least eight characters and include one capital.

After a lot of thought she chose "Mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofysacramento".

I heard a variation a long time ago. The blonde was asked what her password was and she replied, "Rockhudsoneltonjohnsunnyvonbulow."
They asked her how she could remember such a long password. She said, "It's easy. I just think of two fruits and a vegetable."

Ironically both blondes' passwords are actually very secure. The combination of length and apparent unpredictability to a computer algorithm would make them almost impossible to crack by machine. They are also easily remembered by their owners. They might prove difficult to type, though. After typing'*********...' it would be all too easy to lose track.

Pope Francis is thinking about allowing priests to marry. Immediately, TV producers announced plans for Real Housewives of the Vatican.

Pat Robertson was walking down the street and came across a young boy with a box. The boy asked, "Do you want to see my protestant kittens?"
pat looked in the box and there were several newly-born kittens.
Several days later, Pat was walking the same street with jerry Falwell and he saw the same little boy with his box.
"Jerry. You have to see this. This boy has a box of Protestant kittens."
They approached the boy who said, "Do you want to see my atheist kittens/'
"Wait a minute," said Pat. "The other day you told me these were Protestant kittens."
"They were, but now their eyes are open.'

After a string of failed relationships, a girl advertised for a partner online. She specified that the man shouldn't run off with her girlfriends, shouldn't hit her, and must be good in bed. She arranged to meet one of the guys who replied, and a paraplegic appeared on her doorstep.
"How do I know you won't run off with my friends?" she asked.
"Legs don't work."
What about not hitting me?"
"Arms don't work."
"What about being good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Along the same lines, a beautiful young girl married a not-very-handsome midget. Her mother was shocked at the union but never voiced her objections. But one day, she finally brought the subject up with her child.

"I hate to ask but could you tell me why you, a college graduate and beauty queen with a great job, would marry that poor, uneducated under-sized man? You had the pick of better-looking guys with money."

The daughter smiled and said, "If you must know, it's because he has the largest penis of anyone I've met."

The mother couldn't believe her. "if you don't believe me, just ask him. he's very proud of it."

So the mother arranged to have breakfast with the four-foot husband. In the course of the meal, she got up the courage to say, "My daughter says you have a massive weapon. is this true?"

"Why, yes, it is. Would you like to see it?"

"Well, if it isn't too much trouble."

"Not at all," said the husband. He unzipped his fly and withdrew a massive chunk of meat which he rolled across the top of the table.

"Oh, my god. That's wonderful," said the mother, awestruck. "Can I touch it?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"She put her hand on it. "Can I kiss it?"

'Yeah, that's OK. But whatever you do, don't suck it. I used to be six feet tall."

Phil Proctor, in his monthly newsletter, tells of the new doctor who joined an old country physician. The old hand suggested the younger man accompany him on his rounds to get the lay of the land.

At the first house, the old doctor talked to an elderly woman for several minutes, then suggested "The reason you're not feeling well is you're eating too much fruit. Cut back and you'll be fine."

Once outside, the young doc said, "How could you make that diagnosis? You never examined her."

"No, but when I used her wastebasket, I noticed a pile of banana peels, so I knew she was overdoing the fruit."

"I wouldn't have thought of that. May I try the next patient/'

At the next house, the young doctor checked the woman and said, "You are much too active in the church. You should limit your work there."

Outside, the old doc said, "Why did you make that recommendation? I know she's a regular church-goer, but nothing excessive."

"I took your cue and accidently dropped my stethoscope to check the wastebasket. It was empty but under the bed I saw the church deacon.'

It had been an enjoyable but trying week for the new groom. After making love to his new bride morning, noon, and night for seven days, his member had suffered traumatically and he was very sore. Concerned, he went to the Emergency Room (the Republican answer to Obamacare) where the doctor examined him.

“There’s no cause for concern,” said the doc. “It’s just a matter of proper care. That’s a difficult area to treat so I’d suggest the simplest remedy is to warm some milk and insert our penis in it for several minutes three times a day.”

So the groom went home and heated milk, put it into a glass and inserted his Johnson. The sensation was incredible and as he sat there welcoming the feeling, his new bride came into the room. She was surprised to see what he was doing.

“Oh, my god,” she said. “I didn’t know that was how you refilled those things.”

Last night a comedian reported that former president George Bush is contemplating a knee replacement, but is concerned there may not be a suitable donor.

Obama didn't do any better when he said of Russia, "They don't build anything." I guess he doesn't get around Detroit, Muncie, Birmingham, or Pittsburgh much these days.

Milestones in history:

World War I began. While the war ended with an armistice in 1918, that was merely the prelude to a continuation in 1939.

On this day in 1628, Galileo began studying the heavens using his new telescope. However he made little progress until 1633 when, like so many modern photographers, he realized he had neglected to remove the lens cap.

Six hundred years ago, the first toilet seat was invented by an unknown person. It failed to attain popular status until it was perfected seventy-five years later when a hole was bored into the center.

I've been experimenting with crossing dog breeds to see what results. Just the other day I mated a miniature poodle with a shitzu and a little shit was born.

Your "milestones" comments reminded me of the invention of ball games. Initially played with rocks, it was discovered that they lost far too many players that way. They switched to the heads of those killed with rocks, but eventually that supply ran dry when players would accidentally get their feet stuck in a maggot-infested mouth or other cavity. Then someone had the bright idea of using the bladders of the animals killed for food. Bladders were the perfect ball, made even better when the original contents showered inept kickers, and they were subsequently filled with air. This, of course, gave us the expression, "A piss-poor player."

Naples, FL (AP) -- A large sinkhole, about forty feet across, opened in a city street, creating havoc at rush hour. City officials scurried to repair the problem but did not have sufficient material to fill it in. It seemed that traffic would be a continuous muddle until repairs could begin.

But the mayor remembered that the evangelist Oral Roberts was holding a seminar nearby. Thinking quickly, he summoned the famous preacher, who responded by healing the hole.

*****************************************

Pat Robertson was walking down the street and noticed a young boy with a box. The boy asked Pat if he'd like some Protestant puppies. Pat looked in the container and saw several small infant dogs. He chucked the boy on the shoulder and left.

Several days later, Pat was walking with Oral Roberts and saw the same boy with his box. "Wait till you see what this youngster has," Pat said to Oral.

They approached the boy and Pat said, "What's in the box, son?"

"These are atheist puppies," said the boy.

Pat was astounded. "But the other day you told me they were Protestant puppies."

"Yes, they were then. But now their eyes are open."

Two young boys were in the gym shower and one noticed the other's penis.

"Why is your dick missing skin on the end?" he asked.

"That's because I had a circumcision when I was a week old," said the other.

"Did it hurt?"

"Did it hurt? I couldn't walk for another year."

At Ford's Theatre, on that fateful day,
John Wilkes chose Abe Lincoln to slay.
Some folks asked, "Mrs. L.,
While you're sad, we can tell,
But discounting events, how's the play?"

A blind man was standing on the corner, waiting to cross the street, when his guide dog lifted its leg and peed on his pants. The man reached in his pocket and took out a dog biscuit, which he offered to the dog.

A man standing next to the blind man said, "Why are you rewarding the dog for what he did?"

The blind man said, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm trying to locate his head so I can kick him in the ass."

Jim was lucky. At work, when the boss was looking for someone to send to a conference in some tropical paradise, Jim would be the first person he'd see and pick.

Jim was a lady's man. Every time a new woman began working, he would almost immediately score.

But Jim couldn't make headway with a beautiful young lady from New Delhi who was now in Accounting. Several of his buddies laughed at his failure but Jim bet them he could succeed if he really tried. And he did get a date.

The next day, his co-workers asked for details. Jim accommodated by describing the evening, ending with a tremendous bout of sex.

"But I got even more lucky," said Jim.

"What could be better than what occurred?"

"You know the little red dot she has on her forehead? I scratched it off and won $25K.'

quote:

As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he ever farted in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

... an entry in the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest (www.bulwer-lytton.com)

When Throckmorton, a scientist, farted
Its echo and odor imparted
Sympathetic vibrations
And foul emanations
And thus the Apocalypse started.

Here's one I just wrote for OEDILF's Current Events

My stadte portraidt is done. It loogked svell.
Bud Mahria's face on my lapel?
Id's a public disgrace
That dis bod sport her face.
Scrape it off, though the job looks like hell.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's official portrait, over six feet tall and larger than any other state portrait, was unveiled this week at the state house. It took so long to paint that, while it was being done, the former governor was divorced by Maria Shriver. No big deal except that on his lapel in the portrait is a pin which has a picture of his ex-wife in the center. An artist hired to remove the picture of Maria did an exceptionally bad job and there now appears to be a splotch the size of a softball resting on Arnold's chest.

Edited for inaccuracy as pointed out by Tinman

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quote:

... the former governor divorced Maria Shriver

That's not quite accurate. Shriver, not Schwarzenegger, filed for divorce in 2011 and it's still not final.

Next time I won't believe whatever the governor tells me.