It's people like you that make it necessary to remove salacious content. Of course I did move it to "The Dis Game"..... slow down. There's no need to run. It'll still be there.

Two rednecks from Alabama thought they were the world's best fishermen. Then they learned that in Wisconsin fishermen often went ice fishing, something they had never done. So they piled all their gear in a pickup and headed north.
They stopped at a local tackle shop to see what they'd need for ice fishing, buying a small shelter, stove and, of course, ice picks. Then they drove off looking for a suitable lake.

Several hous later, they were back at the tackle shop. "Give us some more ice picks," they said. So the clerk sold them half-a-dozen picks.

Several more hours and they were back. "Better give us a gross of ice picks." Since it was a great sale, the clerk sold them a box.

Toward evening, they were back asking for ice picks. "Wait a minute," said the clerk. "Haven't you boys caught any fish yet?"

"Fish?" said the redneck. "The hole isn't big enough to put the boat in."

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters
only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He
acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back-country.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods, the piper got lost, and being a typical man, didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and surmised that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. He played as he'd never played before for this homeless man.

And as he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, and they all wept together. When he finished he packed up
his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low his heart was full.
As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for over twenty
years."

I found this on the net and I cannot find one thing funny about it....

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, completely by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but there was no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but there was still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:

"We're down here...."

Right, Proof - in the part of the lower brain called the fornix. They're chatting about those cute mammillary bodies http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fornix_of_brain

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Geoff,

I'll bet the women readers can see the joke - indeed I would suspect that a woman wrote it. And it has nothing to do with the Fornix, of course.

A surveyor was seen visually representing his triangulation method by laying out various members of the thymus family of herbs along the known angles. When asked why, he replied, "It's the sine of the thymes."

"Church Ladies with Typewriters"-- a few selections from church bulletin bloopers:

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children

I hope Kalleh is around for this one.'

On a flight heading for Chicago, Jack was sitting reading the paper when he noticed the guy next to him.


The guy was an emotional wreck -- pale, hands shaking, quivering in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked. "Afraid to fly?"

"Not at all. I've been transferred to Chicago," the guy said. "There's crazy people there! They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the country!"

"I've lived in Chicago all my life," Jack replied. "It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you and your wife do there?"

"Us?" said Jack. "Well, I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck, and my wife volunteers in the north sector guard tower at our kids' school."

I just learned why the medical profession now calls diseases contracted during amorous activities "sexually transmitted diseases," or "STDs:" Hallmark made 'em do it! The initials for Valentine's Day are V.D!

Do you recall watching the old Westerns every Saturday morning many years ago? Some savvy film executives want to get the huge kid audience today so they're remaking some old films. But, in keeping with the PC-ness in vogue now, they are going make it starring a one-legged virgin. Her name is Hopalong Chastity.

Latest PC terms:
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN..'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST PROVIDER..'





HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2.. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

quote:

Originally posted by Geoff:
He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME'

Real men don't get lost; they just get "bewildered."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tinman,

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.


A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She

says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'


He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'


She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404

reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's

on sale this week for only $20.00.'


She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of

it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her

credit card drops on the floor.


'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.


She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is

really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk

could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that

she was the only person around.


The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'


The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the

rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call

is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh
(I realize this fails to use the proper pronunciation, but that would ruin the fun!)

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

a young lady was having a baby at home back in days of yesteryear and her husband had no idea what to do. He ran outside looking for help and found the town drunk.
"Come and help me," he implored.
"I don't know nothin' about babies," said the drunk.
But the expectant father dragged him inside. "When the baby comes out, slap it until it cries," said the husband. With that the baby was delivered and the drunk slapped the baby till it cried.
Then the drunk looked into its face and said, "And don't you ever crawl back in there again."

Ah, yes, the old business about us males spending nine months trying to get out of one and the rest of our lives trying to get back in one!

Here's an e-mail I go:

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church

found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected, and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks, until the pastor, overcome by

curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, but $1,000 is a lot. Are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one
neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical
morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium
(symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as
Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many
morons. No data have been released on how Governmentium reacts in the presence of the
radioactive isodopes Twitium and Assium.

A man entered a pet store and asked for the biggest clippers they had. The counterman asked what they were for and the man said he wanted to clip the beak on his parakeet.
"You don't want a big pair, then," said the clerk. "There's a vein in the parakeet's beak that can be opened if you cut too far up and the bird can bleed to death. So take a small pair of clippers."
But the man was adamant. "I know what I'm doing. Give me the biggest clippers you have."
"OK," said the clerk, resignedly. "But don't say I didn't warn you."

Several weeks later, the clerk ran into the customer on the street and said, "Hey, how's your parakeet?"
"Dead," said the man. "It bled to death."
"Damn! I told you not to use those large clippers."
"The clippers had nothing to do with it. He died when I put his head in the vise."

An Interesting Observation About People and Sports

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

and....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf.

Of all these facts we are sure.

The Inescapable and Astounding Conclusion:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Here's a tribute to the Irish on their day.

FIGHTIN’ WORDS
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. ‘Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!’ a heavily accented voice said. ‘This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare. I am ringing to inform you that we voted to reject the Lisbon treaty and are officially declaring war on you.’
’Well, Paddy,’ Sarkozy replied, ‘This is startling news. How big is your army?’
’Right now?’ says Paddy, ‘there’s myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven.’
Sarkozy paused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.’
’Begorrah!’ says Paddy, ‘I’ll have to ring you back.’
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again and announces, ‘Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We’ve managed to get us some infantry equipment!’
’And what equipment would that be, Paddy?’ Sarkozy asks.
‘Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.’
Sarkozy sighs, amused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.’
’Saints preserve us!’ says Paddy. I’ll have to get back to you.’
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. ‘Mr. Sarkozy, the war’s still on! We’ve managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultralight with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four lads from the Shamrock Bar have joined up as well!’
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat, ‘I must warn you, Paddy, I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes, my military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missiles, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.’
’Whoa,” says Paddy, ‘I’ll have to ring you back.’
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. ‘Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy; I am sorry to inform you that we had to call off the war.’
’Oh, really?’ says Sarkozy. ‘I am sorry to hear that. Why the sudden change of heart?’
’Well,’ says Paddy, ‘We had a long chat over a few pints and crisps, and we decided — there is no damn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners of war!’

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do yo u mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Do you have a translation for those of us to whom football, if it means anything at all, means that game where people kick a round ball about?

Well, I'm English Geoff and I got it. Thought it was funny too.

One year the animals and the insects decided to have a football game. During the first half, the animals dominated the field with the elephants charging directly through the line, followed by the hippos. Then the cheetahs would run around the ends at high speed to score. The insects’ coach was livid at half-time at the way his team was playing but he couldn’t think of any way to change the outcome of the game.
But as play resumed during the second half, an elephant trying to break the center of the line was knocked on its kiester.
“Who did that?’ asked the coach.
“The centipede,” was the answer.
On the next play the cheetah tried an end-around but he also bit the dust.
“Who made that tackle?” asked the coach.
Once again, “The centipede,” was the reply.
The coach called a time-out and approached the centipede.
“That was two great plays but where were you during the first half?”
“I didn’t get to play the first half because I was still putting on my shoes.”

OK, RE, I should have said American Rugby. Then nobody over here would know what I was talking about.

My daughter sent me this one. Funny!

Dear Boss...
-Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
-If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
-Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
-If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
-If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
-Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
-If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
-If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
-If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
-Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
-Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
-Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in,and you're knot getting your money back!"

How Canada got its name:

Canada was originally named by a Welshman. The name he chose was Cnd. However, most Americans could not pronounce it, so he told a US government official, "It's 'C, ay N, ay,D, ay."

Wasn't this supposed to be the world's worst jokes? Here in any case is a candidate, told to me by a 12-year old Norwegian yesterday:

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

"Daddy, can I get pregnant?"
"Of course not, honey. You're only eight years old."
"Thank you, Daddy. OK, guys! Back under the porch! Same game!"

Warum nennt man Canada, Canada?
Weil es gibt keine da.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

Governator Arnold was on James Lipton's show and Lipton asked him, "If you could have had another job, what would it be?"
Arnold said, "I vould lak to teach English."
Lipton then asked, "What job would you most NOT like to have?"
Arnold said, ""I vould not lak to be a fluffer."

I wonder how many will get that one and how many will have to ask their husbands what a fluffer does.

I wondered if that comment had made the papers and found this online.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the
grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old...'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

Joe
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tinman,

Weil es gibt keine da.

Oughtn't that to be: weil es keine da gibt?

A farmer watned to raise chickens but was unsuccessful, losing a lot of money in the effort. He finally asked his best buddy if he was doing something wrong. So the buddy said, "Let me see how you raise your chickens."

The farmer dug a hole and placed the chicken head-down in the hole, then buried it.

"No, no," said his friend. "That is not how you raise chickens. You bury them head-up."

The farmer thanked him but burying the chickens head-up didn't produce any better results.
He decided to contact the local ?Farm Bureau to get some expert advice.

The expert asked how he raised his chickens and the farmer described his first effort at burying them haad-down, then his further tries head-up.

"Are you stupid?!" yelled the expert."You don't bury the chicken. You bury the eggs."

quote:

"Are you stupid?!" yelled the expert."You don't bury the chicken. You bury the eggs."

The ones clipped off of the guy in Tinman's story?

quote:

Originally posted by Geoff:

quote:

"Are you stupid?!" yelled the expert."You don't bury the chicken. You bury the eggs."

The ones clipped off of the guy in Tinman's story?

Those weren't eggs; they were oysters!

A lawyer was talking on his satellite phone while driving and slammed into another car. He staggered frm his auto and approached the other motorist.

"What is wrong with you? You've ruined my new Rolls Royce. And now I have oil on my Armani suit. And my zebu shoes are scuffed beyond redemption. You are going to pay. I'm an attorney and I'll take every cent you have in court."

The other man just shook his head. "You lawyers are so materialistic," he said. "You're not even concerned that your arm has been cut off."

The lawyer looked down and recoiled in shock. "Oh, my god!" he said. "What happened to my Rolex?"

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

According to a news report, the Vatican is going to employ eunuchs as guards. However, each applicant is being subjected to psychiatiric evaluation becasue they don't want any nuts.

But doesn't it take a lot of balls to be a guard?

quote:

But doesn't it take a lot of balls to be a guard?

I think you have to be Swiss. It's because of their holy cheese, I think.

Is it considered incest if a schizoid hermaphrodite dates him/herself?

quote:

Is it considered incest if a schizoid hermaphrodite dates him/herself?

No, it's considered a Tijuana floor show.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet ... Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,... ruled by nuts.

Kalleh, did you get that last one from the blue publisher who loved puns? You know, Bennet Smurf.