If one seeks information about witches, does one consult Wiccapedia?

Is the majority of the German sex trade in Schtupgart?

Lawn furniture is found in Wickerpedia.

I found this among some papers the other day. I have no idea who wrote it or where it came from but I think it deserves wider distribution.

Louise
Knock, knock! “Come on in.” “I’m Louise.”
”Well, sit down. Cup of coffee?” “Yes, please.”
”So you’ve come for the job
Of P.A? Call me Bob;
You’re the first of my interviewees.”

“Some questions; how old are you, dear?”
”22" “And what size are you here?”
”I’m a 38C.
Look; I have a degree
Which I gained at the start of the year.”

“You have, have you? Good. Up you get;
Step this way, turn around; now, my pet,
Will you please touch your toes.”
”Well, OK, I suppose;
Have we finished this interview yet?”

“Oh no! I’ve more questions. (Your rear,
By the way, is quite scrumptious, my dear.)
Now, sit down again, miss,
And just answer me this;
Is your underwear silky and sheer?”

“Why yes; and my panties are red.
But I’d much rather tell you, instead,
That I know how to type ...”
”Oh, forget all that tripe;
Are you single, divorced or just wed?”

“I’m single; but Bob, I’m perplexed;
I won’t answer your questions; I’m vexed.”
”That’s too bad then, my dear;
You can’t work for me here,
And I bet you’re a lesbian. Next!”

And this came today as an e-mail.

------------------HAPPY 5770!-------------------
Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist:
The Torah says: Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, there is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.
But if there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else. Is that so complicated?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
And remember, wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every
physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you
never visited. And whose fault was that?
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist...

Someone sent me this today, and, indeed, it is the World's Worst Joke!

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look truly attractive?

A: Put a nipple on it.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'"

A famous eye surgeon was given a dinner upon his retirement and the MC proudly unveiled a painting which he presented to the doctor. The painting featured a human eye with the doctor's face centered in the iris.

The doctor thanked everyone for attending and said he truly appreciated the portrait. "However," he said, "I'm glad that I changed my specialty to eye surgery instead of my original choice -- obstetrics."

Well, Bob, I don't know why you aren't writing limericks for us!

Here is one sent to me by a loyal reader of Wordcraft. I think it is hilarious:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,

the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds,etc......

I called suicide hotline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

My friend Mark reached the end of the bus line late one night and began walking the mile to his house. As he trudged homeward along the dark lane, he heard behind him “Mark! Mark!” but when he turned, no one was there. Believing he was hearing things, he set out once more into the darness.

However, after walking about twenty feet he again heard “Mark! Mark!” and turned to see who was calling. Once again there was no one in sight. But he knew now he had definitely heard his name being called and felt a shiver creep up his spine when he realized he was opposite a cemetary.

He began to walk faster, his heart racing, and once more heard, “MARK! MARK!” only louder and much, much nearer. He turned but in the darkness surrounding him, he saw nothing.

By now thoroughly apprehensive, he began to run. “MARK! MARK!” came the voice, now close behind him. He increased his speed, snorting great gobs of air into his starved lungs, his legs becoming stumps that refused to carry him any further --“MARK! MARK! MARK!” -- until he finally he could run no further and stopped to await his fate.

It was only then that he saw behind him a dog with a harelip.

COUGH, COUGH! >gag< That was really bad, Proof. Allow me to attempt a rebuttal...

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if
I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for
some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"



The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

quote:

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

"Home Depot" being a DIY store or similar? Not a name I've ever heard of.

precisely

I believe it was the same man who said to a clerk, "I'd like to buy that television on the shelf behind you."
"I'm sorry," said the clerk. "I can't sell that to you."
And the man became irate. "What do you mean you can't sell me that TV? Are you being racist?"
"No, no!" said the clerk. "I can't sell you that TV because it's a microwave oven and I need it to heat your sandwich."

Who do you know on this list?

1. John Dillinger
2. Angelo Roncalli
3. Al Capone
4. Agnes Bojaxhiu
5. Heidi Fleiss
6. Karol Wojtlya
7. Monica Lewinsky
8. Timothy McVeigh
9. Don Corleone
10. Jack the Ripper
11. Camillus de Lillus
12. O. J. Simpson
13. William Franklin Graham



You knew nos. 1, 3, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10 & 12 but not the rest ---
Shame on you!

You know all the whores, crooks, and killers But you didn’t know



Two Popes (2 John XXIII, 6 John Paul II),
a Saint (11 Patron Saint of the Sick),
an Evangelist (13 Billy Graham),
and Mother Teresa (4).

I've never met any of them.

Reclusive?

An interested Wordcraft reader sent me this joke to post:

THE MUSLIM QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good Quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself.. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

One thing I can't understand: if success in this game meant being able to throw a ball 100 yards, why is it called football? Surely "throwball" would be a better name.

Why is your game called "cricket"? I don't see any insects being used.

Why is it called "rugby"? There's no carpet.

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
Why is your game called "cricket"? I don't see any insects being used.

In the earliest known reference to the sport in 1598 it is called creckett. The name may have been derived from the Middle Dutch krick(-e), meaning a stick; or the Old English cricc or cryce meaning a crutch or staff. Sticks or items derived from sticks are an integral part of the game.

quote:

Why is it called "rugby"? There's no carpet.

It is named after Rugby School, a well-known Public school where the game was invented. I have no idea what carpets might have to do with the matter.

"So, tell me, sweetheart, how many have you made love to?"
"Hmmm. One, two, three... four, you, six, seven..."

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
A'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

‘What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals..' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

I recently attended a convention in Singapore. One evening a very loud and animated shouting match broke out in the hotel lobby. Not understanding the language, I have no idea what it was about, but anyone who did quickly joined the Malay.

A redneck, driving down a country road, passed a roadhouse sporting a sign out front: "Lobstertail and beer, $14.95."

As he pulled in, he said to his buddy, "How about that? My three favorite things!"

A Massachusetts state trooper pulled over a speeding car and found the driver was a nun. "Do you know how fast you were going?" he asked.
"Of course," she said. "I was doing the speed limit on the sign. 95 miles an hour."
"No, sister," he explained, "that's the route number, not the speed limit." Then he noticed there were two other nuns in the car, white as a sheet and shaking uncontrollahly.
"What's wrong, sisters?" he asked.
"We just got off 295."

This ain't mine. (I know. "Ain't" is "bad grammar" but I think it is useful and should be used, despite what the Grammar Nazis say).

Bubba, a furniture dealer in West Virginia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.


To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Perhaps you've seen this one making the rounds lately:

Everyone in the department had been given some instructions regarding proper format for communicating confidential information via interoffice email. The boss approached the receptionist, a blonde, to ask why the password she selected for this purpose was so long:

mickyminnieplutodopeygrumpysleepypopeyeoliveSacramento

She replied, "Well the directions said to include eight characters and at least one capital."

Not mine. Someone sent it to me.

A Tiger Woods Christmas

’Twas the night of Thanksgiving, and out of the house,
Tiger Woods came a-flying, chased by his spouse.
She wielded an iron, and wasn’t too merry,
‘Cause a bimbo’s phone number, was on his Blackberry.
Tiger’d been cheating on poor little Elin,
And as each day went by, more women came squealing.
He’d been on Holly, on Jaimee, on Rachel, on Cori,
On Joselyn, and Kalika — TMZ had the story.
From the top of the world, to the top of the fold,
Tiger’s more sordid tale was related and told.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
And when he wasn’t hosing them, he sent them hot texts.
He crashed his Caddy, but didn’t call OnStar,
Yet he played “spank me daddy”, with skankiest porn star.
He’s been so naughty, with Santa -- no chance,
Except the lump of coal,like the lump in his pants.
But despite all his crying,and begging and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went right out, bought a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim, in her packed Escalade, ”If you’re going to get laid, then I’m going to get paid.”
Now she’s not pouting, in fact she’s of good cheer,
Because her pre-nup made Christmas come early this year.

The latest word is that Tiger told his wife he wants to have another baby with her. After all, that's why he's been doing so much practice.

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Is the name "Bubba" an Americanism for a gormless person? Similar maybe to the situation in England when we might say "Paddy" - that being an Irish name and the Irish are often the butt of the "stupid person" jokes in the UK?

A friend sent me several jokes about the importance of thinking before you speak. This was my favorite:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... He knew better.

An elderly gentleman and his wife were invited to their friends’ home for dinner one evening. They were impressed by the way the host preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as “Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,” etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, were still very much in love. So while the wives were all in the kitchen, the old man leaned over and said, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife all those loving pet names.”

The host hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he whispered confidentially. “Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is!”

Oh...I hope that's not why Shu calls me "honey!"

Here's one I wrote for the season:

Hey, Frosty, what’s wrong with your face?
Does your carrot nose not fill its space?
It’s that neighborhood kid --
Do you see what he did?
He has jammed it up your naughty place.

A Ranger patrolling in a national park came across a man at a campfire. He noticed the man was cooking a large bird.
"Thank heavens you found me," cried the man."I've been lost in this wilderness for ten days, starving. I finally killed this bird for something to eat."
The Ranger examined the bird and deterrmined it was an eagle, which was a protected species. He took the man to safety but issued him a summons for killing the bird. At his trial, the man explained to the judge that he only killed the bird to save his own life. He would not and could eat an animal-- especially a nearly extinct one -- except for self-preservation.
The judge agreed that the man's life took precedence over the endangered bird and found him not guilty.
"Before you go," said the judge."I always wondered, what does an eagle taste like?"
"Its taste is somewhere between a snowy owl and a manatee."

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk
We shall now show you the way to the sound..

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst..

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight





.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A man had a mail order bride delivered to his ranch. The bride was apprehensive since she didn't know the man or his sexual habits but the rancher never touched her. Several weeks after arriving, she was preparing supper in the kitchen when she saw her husband running out of the barn. He dashed into the kitchen, hit his bride on the side of the head, knocking her to the floor, ripped off her clothes and had violent sex with her.

Three months passed but nothing else happened until one day she looked up to see her husband running across the yard. She immediately ripped off her clothes and laid down on the kitchen floor. Her husband rushed in, looked at her, and said, "Get up off the floor, you sex fiend. The barn's on fire!"

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say,
"Oh My God."

I hate to fly and my phobia is even worse now. I overheard a pilot's transmission the other day on a commercial airline.

Tower: 379, what's your height and position?

Pilot: I'm six feet one and I'm sitting in the front of the plane.

The same pilot landed and had to slam on his brakes to avoid running off the runway. "Wow!" he said. "That is the shortest runway I've ever seen. It must be only two hundred yard long."

"Yes," said the co-pilot, looking out the side window. "And it's about two miles wide."

Tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A- !!!!!!! TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a !!!!!!!! 'at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

A utility knife is also known to leave the ruler you're scoring down and slice one-eighth inches off the end of a thumb so cleanly you can hold the cut edge in place until it reseals, thus avoiding emergency rooms and doctors' fees. Unfortunately, a true story.

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard I t Through the Grape Nuts..

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I want to

And Last but NOT least

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building horse drawn wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been in use ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and

CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S: Sure is hot down here!!!!

removed for salacious content

What salacious content?

quote:

Originally posted by Geoff:
What salacious content?

Dunno. It's been removed