A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
A sweet young thing decided to join a convent. The Mother Superior questioned her to determine if she was suitablr for the calling. After a rigorous examination, the nun said, "One last question, but it's very important. Are you a virgin?"
"Of course I am. No male has ever touched my body."
"That is very good to hear that you've avoided the sins of the world"
"Excuse me, Mother, but do cucumbers count?"
Out for a night on the town, a Scot picked up a young lady. They went to her apartmeet where the engaged in mutual sexual activities.
At evening's end, the Scot removed his rubber and carefully folded it, then placed it in his wallet.
Astonished, the girl sad, "I've heard you Scots were frugal but saving a used condom?"
"Ah, lass. 'Tis not for me. It belongs to the club."
A priest runs into a room at the Vatican. "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news."
"What," asked the pope,"is the good news?"
"Jesus has come back to Earth!"
"That's wonderful news. What's the bad news?"
"He's in Salt Lake City."
No sweat. He's there to warm up for the big house cleaning.
When JC eventually reached Rome, the same priest ran into the Vatican and yelled, "Look busy! Here comes the boss!"
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
In the jungle of India, two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
A turtle teetered on a branch twenty feet up a tree. The turtle slipped off and plummeted to earth. Luckily his shell saved him from injury, so he shook himself off and slowly, arduously climbed back up to the limb.
Once he was on the limb, the turtle crawled out and once more fell to the ground. He shook himself off and began his slow climb back.
As he climbed, two birds were watching One bird said to the other, "Don't you think it's time to tell him he's adopted?"
The Air Force is recalling a new shipment of parachutes. Seems they only open on impact.
A man had a physical and was presented with a bill as he left. He looked at the total and said to the nurse, "Why is this bill so high? The doctor barely examined me but he wants $00."
The nurse said, "If you want the deluxe exam, go in there and lie down.
The man got up on the table and the nurse came in with a dog that sniffed all over his body. She left and returned with a kitten which she moved over his entire body. She told the patient to dress ad get the bill.
The man looked at the new bill and found it was for $1000. "Why is it so high?"
"We added on $250 each for the cat scan and the lab test."
Buddy Hackett told a funny one (which may be due to his inimitable delivery).
Sam and Sophie decided to divorce amicably. They went before the judge and said they wanted to evenly divide what they had. The judge made the settlement as they wished but he said, "There is one problem You have three children. I must give one of you two and the other one since I cant split a child.
"What I propose is you wait a year ad conceive another child so you each get two."
They thought about it but Sam said, "What happens if you have twins?"
Sadie scoffed,"You a twin-maker? If we waited for you, we wouldnt have had the first two."
Angela Murkel, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a Boy scout were flying to an event. Suddenly the pilot ran down the aisle saying "The plane is going to crash. We have to jump but there are only three parachutes left. Decide who gets one among yourselves." And he jumped.
Angela said "I'm the leading hope for freedom," and she took a chute and leaped.
Trump said "I'm the world's smartest man" and took a chute and jumped.
The Pope sad to the Scout, "I've lived a long life and I'm in good standing with God, so you take the chute."
The Scout said, "Don't worry, Father. The world's smartest man grabbed my backpack."
This belongs here.
John woke one morning to find an odd growth between his eyes. He rushed to the doctor, who told him it was a very rare condition. A vestigial penis was there from a twin that had never developed fully.
John was very upset. "You'll have to remove it immediately."
"We can't do that until it fully develops or it may return. So we can't operate for about six weeks from now."
"Well, I suppose I can stand it until then It won't be too bad."
"There is something worse to come -- blindness."
"Blind? How can that be?"
"In two weeks the balls will descend and block your eyes"
A doctor had a terrific row with his wife about their sex life. He ended it by yelling, "You aren't such a great lover, either." Then he left for the hospital before she could answer.
But he felt guilty while in work and called home
"Im sorry for what I said this morning."
"That's all right," she said.
"What are you doing now?"
"I'm in bed."
Bed? It's only eleven. Why are you in bed?"
"I'm getting a second opinion."
From Phil Proctors newsletter:
Hunter was four years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids when
he came into the house and asked, “Grandpa, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”
His grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth: “Well, Hunter,” he said, “It’s called sexual intercourse.”
Little Hunter said “Oh, okay,” and went back outside to play with the other kids. But a few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
“Grandpa, it isn’t called sexual intercourse, it’s called bunk beds; and Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.”
A man was pulled over for speeding. When the cop came to his window, the man said, "I'm glad you stopped me. I am way too drunk to drive. Also, I have a machine gun under my seat. And there's a dead body in the trunk."
The cop became very excited. He told the driver not to move and called for back-up.
Within minutes a sergeant arrived with other personnel. They searched the car and the sergeant came to the driver.
"our officer reported you were drunk, had a gun, and a body, but we couldn't find anything and the Breathalyzer was negative."
Indignantly, the driver said, "And I suppose you're going to tell me the SOB said I was speedibg, too.
During his SOTU speech, Trump said black employment had doubled in his admin. However, they later admitted they had counted Ben Carson twice.
Here is an ad for a possible gift for all occasions, based on Fearless Leader.
How about this? Spare parts for Barbie dolls: https://www.foambymail.com/EC/...al-regular-foam.html
True story: During a TV poll about gender issues, the reporter asked one man, "How many genders are there?"
The man replied, "I don't know I just got here."
I think this is inevitable.
Proof that satire is dead, alas...
An usher in a movie theater came across an old man sprawled across three seats. He shook the man and said, "Sir, you can only use one seat. Please sit up."
The man muttered something the usher couldn't understand. "Sir, you must sit up or I'll have to summon the manager.
Once more the man's words were unintelligible, so the usher got the manager. The manager wasn't able to get the man up, so he called the police.
The policeman said, "Hey, buddy. Get up."
The man muttered.
"What's your name?"
OK, Fred. Where are you from?"
That's an old one, but still funny! (Unless you're Fred)
I was wondering why people were waiting outside to take my picture. Then I learned there is a photographic essay "Where To Find the Oldest Things in Each State."
He; Do you have any pictures of you naked?
She: Of course not!
He: Have you checked the internet lately?
True story. Every time I make my regular visit for routine work, the nurse always asks how I am. I got tired of saying "Fine" every time, so I'd invent some rare disease, like "Burdened with botulism," or "Suffering psoriasis."
The nurse would make a face and shrug, occasionally grin. But I broke her up the other day.
"How are you?"
She seemed nonplussed. "How is that?"
"I can't perform major miracles but I can turn water in to urine."
And it came to pass that a virgin named Mary was visited by the Holy Spirit and did conceive. Mary went to her betrothed, Joseph, and told him the good news. And it came to pass that she bore a son, who they named Jesus And unto this very day the Welfare Department refuseth to believe that story.
A businessman got an invitation to an IRS meeting for an audit. He asked his accountant what he should wear. The accountant said to wear his shabbiest clothes so he wouldn't appear too prosperous. He asked his partner what he should wear and was told to wear his finest suit to seem wealthy. To settle the tie, he consulted his rabbi.
The rabbi thought it over and said, "This reminds me of the girl who was getting married. She asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. The mother told her to put on her flannel nightgown to appear virginal and innocent. She asked her father who recommended a see-through negligee to indicate she was ready and willing. So there's your answer."
"What do you mean? I don't understand"
"It's obvious. No matter what you wear you'll get screwed,"
If a French person laughs his ass off does it hurt his rire?
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!
NAH, he replied, I'm just a lousy golfer.
Tonto to Lone Ranger: "While you ARE wearing a mask, kemosabe, it's not currently au pointe."
Speaking of Tonto and the Lone Ranger -- the punchline goes "No, you idiot, it means somebody has stolen our tent!" Doesn't matter which is the speaker and which the listener...
I have always heard that joke with Holmes and Watson. It was, believe it or not, once voted the best joke in the world in a UK poll.
"No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson.
I prefer, "It IS easier to drag, but we're getting an awfully long way from camp."
And then there's 79: Hahahaha. 12: Hahaha.
See? It's all in the way you tell it.
Sigh... I never could tell that one right.
The moral of the Trojan War story: Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.
If computer hackers tell you they’ve uncovered a new scam, a healthy skepticism is appropriate: beware of geeks baring grifts.
Down south computer geeks are warned not to eat breakfast at their computers lest it slop onto the keyboard. "Beware of geeks bearing grits."
In the early ‘60’s, “shifts” were popular [a straight-line, sleeveless, waistless dress]—until… oh brother, there’s no way to make the backstory work, but it makes for an interesting image: Beware of sheiks wearing shifts
Please, don’t ever accept whiskey from a performer in the side-show:
Beware of freaks bearing fifths
Sounds like a statement from that snotty Roman philosopher, Mucus Aurelius.