An Al-Qaeda member decided to give up and become a stand-up comedian. It didn't work - he bombed.

A man staggered into a hospital with a
concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that"

Time for what may be the last of the blonde jokes.

A blonde got a job with Public Works, painting lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!

"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought he better talk to her before it got any worse.

The boss says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile average?"

"Well," the blonde replied, "each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

My grandfather Mark was waxing nostalgic about life in the forties and recalled the time when he lived in the boondocks, several miles away from the end of the bus line.

One dark night he left the bus nd began his walk home. The wind whistled through the trees and clouds obscured what little moon was visible. He could barely make out the narrow path and the woods closed in on both sides.

Suddenly he heard behind him, “Mark! Mark!” but when he turned, no one was there. He shook his head, believing he was hearing things and resolved not to let his imagination get the better of him.

He walked several paces and againe heard “Mark! Mark!” behind him. But it seemed even closer. Yet he couldn’t see anyone.

He picked up the pace, almost at a trot, and the voice -- still closer -- called again: “Mark! Mark!”

But there was no one in sight.

My grandfather felt a real jolt of fear and began to run, heedless of the branches tearing at his clothes and scratching his face and hands. “Mark! Mark!” The voice sounded like it was right behind him. He ran faster but soon was out of breath and had to stop. He turned to face his foe.

Just then the moon peeked out from behind a cloud and there before him he saw

A dog with a harelip.

I was outside today with my stepladder. Not my real ladder; my real ladder and I don't get along.

One for the physicists among us:

A Higgs boson enters a Catholic church. The priest tells it he doesn't minister to bosons. The boson replies, "Hypocrite! Without me, you can't have Mass!"

I was in the living room and heard my wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for supper, honey? Chicken, roast beef or lamb?"

"I think chicken would be very nice, dear."

"I wasn't talking to you, asshole. I was talking to the cat."

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.



One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says, "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have, could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you,
But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

quote:

Originally posted by Kalleh:
While I don't intend to bring this discussion forward again, the word "ignorance" has negative implications. As we've said before, it's like writing that you and some of your gay friends (meaning "happy" of course) went to drink some cask beers.

I'd disagree though not vehemently."Gay" in your context is a co-opted word, vaulting a supposed characteristic to mean sexual orientation; ignorant is ignorant (bereft of knowledge).
Nothing wrong with ignorance (would that Adam and Eve had stayed in that state of perpetual grace); STAYING ignorant (especially deliberately--that infamous phrase "plausible deniability" grates here) is another slice of rotted mutton entirely.

quote:

Originally posted by bethree5:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

"As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, 'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are . . . very slowly?'

"The blond leaned over the counter and slowly said, 'Burrrr gerrrr Kiiiing.' "

Interesting sidenote: in the old days before mail automation, a letter addressed to somebody in 5 O's, Wisconsin would've probably been delivered. These days, not so much.

quote:

Originally posted by jerry thomas:
This is not original. Just a group of ten very high quality puns.

How many of them made You smile ??

Isn't it considered cheesy to link to a Website/Blogsite that makes you register before you can access the contents? Just wondering...

quote:

Originally posted by Bob Dvorak:
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

Haven't read all the way through so this variant might have been told:
A young man runs away from Boot Camp after a week and when his Dad asked why, he said, "The first day they issued me a comb then cut off my hair; the third day, they gave me a toothbrush, then pulled my teeth. When they issued me a jockstrap..."

quote:

Isn't it considered cheesy to link to a Website/Blogsite that makes you register before you can access the contents? Just wondering...

Yes. Certainly a warning that registration is required should be given. However, that link is very old. Jerry is no longer with us. I suspect the site has changed its policies and now requires registration whereas it didn't before.

quote:

Originally posted by Richard English:
It sounds quite right and appropriate that these were English explorers - but why should that be? Other countries had explorers as well and the nationality has nothing to do with the joke.

testy, testy but could it have something to do with this site being in English?; besides which, it was not a slur upon the English--the explorer did use available materials to effect escape. I could grasp your point if this perpetuated a stereotype (like the plethora of 'dumb blonde' jokes here).

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
A joke, Richard. It's a misspelling. I don't have a tilde for the 'n' even if it was correctly spelled.

Let me correct that. I assume deep within the bowels of Windows lurks a character that can be accessed with a tilde over it. I cannot find it if it does exist.

Easy to find--go to the main Windows (assuming a PC) application and on the search line, type " character map" sans quote marks. It should jump right up. Then copy and paste. VOILÀ ET VOILÀ

Only a plethora? Fooey! We're shooting for myriad.

BTW, we're an equal opportunity outfit, so you may ridicule one-legged Irish dwarves, brilliant brunettes, brain-damaged lawnmower mechanics, or UPS delivery drivers with equal impunity.

quote:

Originally posted by jazzboCR:

quote:

Originally posted by Richard English:
It sounds quite right and appropriate that these were English explorers - but why should that be? Other countries had explorers as well and the nationality has nothing to do with the joke.

testy, testy but could it have something to do with this site being in English?; besides which, it was not a slur upon the English--the explorer did use available materials to effect escape. I could grasp your point if this perpetuated a stereotype (like the plethora of 'dumb blonde' jokes here).

I could probably comment on this if I knew where to find it...

A cowboy crested a ridge and was astonished to see an Indian lying in the middle of the road, with his ear to the ground. The cowboy greeted the man, who remained fixed in position.

"I understand you can learn a lot of things from vibrations from the earth," said the cowboy.

"Uh," said the Indian.

"What can you tell me from your listening now?"

"White man come down road in Conestoga wagon, pulled by four oxen. Man have young wife on seat next to him. Two daughters ride inside wagon. Man have red flannel shirt, work pants. Woman have calico dress, flowered print."

"That's amazing!" said the cowboy. "How can you know all these things?"

"Wagon run over head."

quote:

"Wagon run over head."

Goes to show ya: Only choose "to go" at the Road Kill Cafe.

Geoff, presently in Muncie along with twelve dog legs, four cat legs, four bird legs (Strange bird) forty-four mouse legs, and at least 640 spider legs, all trying to trip me as I attempt to remove an errant fledgling sparrow from the new room while soaked in kerosene (Don't ask).

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Geoff,

Just found this letter:

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

We were then told to use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It hardly tasted like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a druggist about condoms. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a gross. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Trojan stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson

quote:

Ray Jackson

Out of curiosity, was this name made up at random, or does it mean something to Americans? Wikipedia shows a number of Raymond Jacksons but none seems to fit the profile of the letter-writer.

I just copied what was forwarded to me. I don't think there's any particular significance to the name. It seems fairly innocuous.

However, if it had been Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. then this might have come to mind.

Four-year-old: I found a condom on the patio
Four-year-old friend: Really? What's a patio?

Can't take credit for this. Found it elsewhere.

Three women were sitting in an obstetrician's waiting room for their appointments. The redhead announces proudly, "I'm going to have a boy!"


"How do you know?" one of the others asked.

"I was on top, so I'm going to have a boy."

The brunette says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl!"

"How do you know?" the others ask.

"I was on the bottom, so I'll have a girl."

With that, they turn to look at the blonde -- who promptly bursts into tears.

What's wrong? the others ask.

The blonde looks up and cries, "I'm going to have a puppy!"

I just received this in an email. It's been around for at least 5 years, but it's the first time I've seen it.


The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

Saw this today

My Favorite Things

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts, porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad!

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Heating pads, bathrobes, and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad!

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

That must be the same woman who had eight kids because she was deaf. Her husband would get into bed, lean over to her and say, "You want to go to sleep or what?"
Of course, she'd say , "What?" and good-bye, Charlie

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his
hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls
his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Ole?" says Sven.

"Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Ole. "But me and the Missus been having some
trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! "

I'm a little confused about the provenance of Sven and Ole. From their names, they're of Scandinavian origin, and at first sight the scene is America's Mid West. However reference to "braces" (wouldn't Americans say "suspenders"?), "trousers" (wouldn't they be "pants" in America?), and "vest" ("undershirt"?) point to somewhere outside the USA. Ole's "[Y]e frightened the livin bejasus out of me" makes him sound Irish, but I can't believe an Irish farmer would see a therapist.

This came from Geoff:

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this, said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND.

Does the Pillsbury Doughboy have toasticles?

quote:

Originally posted by Geoff:
Does the Pillsbury Doughboy have toasticles?

Prior to reading this post I had never heard of the person. Fortunately, so far as I am concerned, his antics of "...rubbing his stomach and giggling (Hoo-Hoo!, or earlier on, a slight giggle)...." are unseen in the UK.

Actually I think the Pillsbury Doughboy has been seen here. If I recall there was an advertising campaign around about the seventies. The products were croissant rolls that you put in the oven to bake. I remember the campaign quite distinctly.

And now that I've been to look. Here's one.

Yep, that's our Pillsbury Doughboy!

Yes, I vaguely remember the adverts. I assume the product didn't catch on here since I can't recall seeing them for years.

Just to prove that Iowa isn't the only state in the USA with lots of corn, here's a load from Indiana:

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

The factory was going up in flames and the owner was frantic. All of his operational plans and company secrets were in a safe in the center of the building, in danger of being destroyed.

He begged the fire chief, "I'll give $50,000 to any fireman who'll go in and rescue the safe."

"No, it's way too dangerous," said the chief.

"I'll give $100,000."

"No. Can't be done."

Just then, down the road came the Norwegian volunteer fire truck. It hurtled past all the other trucks and smashed into the building, sliding to a stop next to the safe. One Norwegian dashed to the safe, loaded it on the truck and the truck backed out to everyone's mazement.

The factory owner said, "You guys certainly earned that $100,000. What are you going to do with it?"

"Vell, first ting, we gonna get the fookin' brakes fixed on dat truck."

I just visited the website of an Indiana congressman who was condemning certain Southern state corn producers by name. It was an ad-hominy attack.

My brother was a terrible fighter and his cornermen didn't like having to carry him back to his stool at the end of every round. They hit on a simple solution for dragging his limp carcass -- they sewed handles on his trunks.

"Daddy, can I get pregnant?"
"Of course not, honey. You're only seven. That's way too young."
"Thank you, Daddy. OK, boys. Back under the porch. Same game."

Arrggghhh!

As the Americans here know, Sunday there will be a football game between two teams that have a huge rivalry: The Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers. My daughter sent me this joke:

This guy at a bar leans to the guy next him, and says, "Wanna hear a Packer joke?" The guy next to him says, "Before you tell that, I want you to know I'm 6'2" 220 and from Madison. The guy next to me is 6'4" 240 and from Green Bay, and the guy next to him is 6'6" 260 from the Dells. Now do you still want to tell that joke?" The guy says, "Naaa, I don't want to have to explain it 3 times!!"

quote:

The guy says, "Naaa, I don't want to have to explain it 3 times!!"

He could have told it VERY slowly.

THE FART POEM

At times it is silent, at times it is not
At times it sneaks out and it burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
It hides and it waits till you're out and about!

The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
Then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
But on a first date must they really come out?

Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
Women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
The smell that results could kill many a dude!

So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
You begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!

In a Chicago hospital a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it was always occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said, "you may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He went in, he did what he needed to, and he sat there, and he noticed the buttons he promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters, WW, WA, PP, and a red button with ATR on it. Well, who would know if he touched them, he thought. He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW and warm water was sprayed generally upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies' restroom is more than a restroom; it is tender, loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be the supreme ecstasy. He pushed it. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?," he said, "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

The nurse said, "The button with the ATR is automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men never listen.

Listen to Moomay tell the joke here.

Jennyfur's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennyfur was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennyfrr asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennyfur told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennyfur asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

While standing at a urinal, a man glanced at the newcomer next to him. When the man went into the lobby, he said to his buddy, "You won't believe what I just saw -- a black man with an all-white penis."

Just then the subject of the conversation left the mens' room. "Is that the guy you saw?" asked the buddy.

"Yes, that's him."

"There's nothing unusual there. That's a Pennyslvania coal miner on his honeymoon."

Here's one I wrote based on my experience in a nursing home / rehab center for the past several months.

THE FIRST DAY

‘Twas the day I had dreamed of with dread
As the nurse helped my dad into bed.
He seemed small, insecure and quite frail
And afraid in his nursing home jail.

So I sat by his bed, tried to joke,
But my Dad merely glared, seldom spoke.
Seems like hours we talked not at all,
Then I went for a smoke ‘cross the hall.

A cute nurse came to fix Daddy’s bed
And adjusted his body and head.
But it seemed, as she walked out of sight,
Dad’s small frame angled off to the right.

Swift the nurse came and made a mad dash
And straightened Dad, quick as a flash.
As she left, Dad again made a slide
On a slant -- then she’s there at his side.

Once again she adjusted my dad
But his glum face seemed ever more sad.
So I ashtrayed my cig and went back
To see why Dad’s demeanor seemed black.

“It appears that that girl’s a go-getter.
Is her care making your stay here better?”
“I just hate this damn place, and her too.”
“But she’s keeping a close eye on you.

And she helped you up each time you fell.”
“That’s the reason I say ‘go to hell’.
I don’t need help from that little tart.
She won’t let me move sideways to fart.”

The Birds and the Bees

My sweet Sally came in from her play
And her beauty enlivened my day.
She sat down on the couch so demurely,
Like an angelic cherub most surely,

And she batted her eyes at me. “Dad,
Can you answer me something real bad?”
“I most certainly will if I know.
What’s the question that troubles you so?”

“Can I get in a family way,
As I’ve heard you and mommy both say?”
To my core, I was thoroughly rocked
But stayed calm even though I was shocked.

“You’re too young.” That I said. “You’re just eight.”
“Well, that’s good news to hear. That’s just great.”
And she ran out the door to proclaim,
“OK, boys. Line right up. Game’s the same.”

Lots of snow here this year. Neighbor bought a snowblower. Brought it back to Sears after first snowfall. "Doesn't work," he says.

Salesman agrees to exchange for another.

Snows again. Neighbor brings it back. "Doesn't work."

Salesman pulls rope and snowblower begins to run.

Neighbor says, "What the hell is that noise?"

Snows again. Neighbor takes out snowblower, pulls rope, and snowblower begins to run.

Neighbor then takes shovel and begins to toss snow into snowblower blades.