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Picture of arnie
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Well, one of this group finds it quite funny, in theory, anyway, Seanahan!


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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Picture of Caterwauller
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Well . . . once I'd looked it up and figured it out, I chuckled. Good one, Seanahan!


*******
"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
~Dalai Lama
 
Posts: 5149 | Location: Columbus, OhioReport This Post
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Upper-case A ?

Is a non-Abelian grape Ca(i)nonical?
 
Posts: 5805 | Location: Worcester, MA, USReport This Post
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Nope, lower case is correct, although I can see why it is confusing, as the mathematician in question was certainly Abel. I sincerely apologize for the pun, I didn't try, it just came.

From wikipedia
quote:
Among mathematical adjectives derived from the proper name of a mathematician, the word "abelian" is rare in being expressed with a lowercase a, rather than A (compare, for example, Riemannian). Contrary to what one might expect, naming a concept in this way is considered one of the highest honors in mathematics for the namesake.
 
Posts: 886 | Location: IllinoisReport This Post
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what is a lemon entry? i dont get that joke.
 
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quote:
Originally posted by petergrabs:
what is a lemon entry? ...
It's not "lemon-entry" trying to be funny, it's the phrase "lemon-entry, my dear Watson," which is a kind of Spoonerism of "Elementary, my dear Watson." The quintessential Sherlock Holmes identifier. Which, of course he never said in exactly those words.

And seanahan - don't apologize too much for your abelian grape; it may be older than you are. One Google listing has it attributed simply as "ancient math joke." (Great minds think alike, after all, and it _is_ a very inviting line.) I don't have the math to be specific but I think I also saw some pages, meant to be taken seriously, where the term "abelian grape" was used with a technical meaning, not unlike the terms "nut" and "kernel" in other contexts...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: haberdasher,
 
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Picture of arnie
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A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out on the lake. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied... as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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That's a good one, Arnie! Big Grin
 
Posts: 235 | Location: Portland, OregonReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
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I subscribe to a model airplane magazine that's published in the Deep South - so deep, in fact, that you have to wear hip boots when you go there. The editor is not above including some off-topic humor on a regular basis. Here are examples:

A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two tired.

A Last Will and Testament is no secret - it's a dead giveaway.

Does a backwards poet write inverse?

In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

A graceful chicken crossing a road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you be re-possessed?

Yes, I actually DO pay money for this magazine! Roll Eyes
 
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quote:
Does a backwards poet write inverse?

If he's in the deepest part of the South, is he perhaps also a backwoods poet?


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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I'm sorry, this is too clever to leave in hiding like this.

Go look up the referenced www.bigad.com.au and have a good laugh! (even though it may be bad beer)
 
Posts: 5805 | Location: Worcester, MA, USReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
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Carmina Beerana? Awwww, get Orf it, mate!
 
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Unfortunately, the Operating System you are currently using is unsupported.


I don't get it, this joke isn't very funny to me, but maybe it is too sophisticated for my American sense of humor.
 
Posts: 886 | Location: IllinoisReport This Post
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Hmm. Disappointment. Just what OS are you running? Might be worth finding a friend with a more mainstream one and trying it there. I know it runs under Mac OSX and Windows NT.
 
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I'm currently running Gentoo Linux, and at work they have Fedora(Linux). I suppose I could find a friend with something else, if I look hard enough. I wonder why I get that error.

Actually, I refuse to look at that link due to them not being able to write a webpage that can be viewed by all persons. Every other page on the internet seems to be able to do it.
 
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Fabulous ad. I just saw that opera while in Chicago.

Hubby's comment: Do you know what would make it perfect? Peeing . . .


*******
"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
~Dalai Lama
 
Posts: 5149 | Location: Columbus, OhioReport This Post
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quote:
Hubby's comment: Do you know what would make it perfect? Peeing . . .
...as in "You don't buy beer, you rent it."
 
Posts: 5805 | Location: Worcester, MA, USReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by Seanahan:
quote:
Unfortunately, the Operating System you are currently using is unsupported.


I don't get it, this joke isn't very funny to me, but maybe it is too sophisticated for my American sense of humor.


Actually, that post of yours Seanahan is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. Very subtle - I like it Big Grin.
 
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Q: What do a long-play vinyl disc and a banana republic have in common?

A: 33 1/3 revolutions per minute.
 
Posts: 480 | Location: UKReport This Post
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This was sent to me by a friend who teaches in Chicago Public Schools, as her Ebonics Joke of the Day.

A new use for the word "omelette:"

Ah shoulda knocked your head offa ya afta ya dissed me, but omelette ya pass this time.

Beth J
 
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An OEDILFer posted this on our site. Thought you might appreciate it over here:

http://www.ozyandmillie.org/2005/om20050823.html
 
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Oh, CJ, that is just wonderful! I love it! Big Grin
 
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Asa sent me this joke and said I could post it. I really think it is funny! Big Grin

Bad Humor: Funerals

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral; I'm a gynecologist." And that's when the proctologist fainted.
 
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "And yesterday, Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Dear Lord, no!" the President moans. "That's terrible...!"

The President buries his head in his hands, silencing his staff with this moving display of emotion. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
 
Posts: 10 | Location: San Francisco Bay AreaReport This Post
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Variation on the theme:


Air Force One has just been upgraded. Air Force 1.1 is now bigger, better equipped and protected, more luxurious. And most important, it's a lot faster.

The President hears about his new aircraft and decides it's time to visit China.

He pushes the button on the communicator on his desk. "How long would it take me to get to China in my new airplane?" he barks.

A moment's silence; then a slightly shaky voice comes back: "Just a minute, Mr. President..."

"Wow," says the President, "that is fast!
 
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Picture of Kalleh
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Those are great (especially considering my political persuasion!)

Welcome, Rick! Smile Big Grin Wink Cool

How nice to have a computer consultant with us. I have a lot of questions...!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Kalleh,
 
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Picture of arnie
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A guy goes into a confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, and have four kids and 11 grandchildren. But last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls! I made love to both of them. Twice!"
The priest says, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
"Never, Father. I'm Jewish."
"So, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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There was a great political cartoon by Mike Luckovch in the Chicago Tribune. I don't know how to post cartoons like some of you do, so I will just write what it said.

It was entitled "Alan Greenspan in Retirement," and his wife wasw standing before him with 2 cans of soup.

Greenspan was saying: "In answer to your query, based on underlying assumptions, which are primarily trending upward, coupled with..."

His disgusted-looking wife replied, "Chicken Noodle it is..." Big Grin

[It kind of reminds me of Shu! Wink]
 
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Here's a story that I'd love to be true:

A US serviceman was stationed in Germany after the last war. He met and married Helga, and brought her back with him to New York after he left the army. In due course she became pregnant and they spent a long time discussing names for the new baby, without agreeing. The birth was a long-drawn-out, painful affair, and when it was finally over an exhausted Helga grabbed her husband's hand and, pointing at the baby, said, fervently, "Das ist alles!" (That is all!)

The traumatised husband replied "Sure, hon, whatever you say."

Which is why they named their only daughter Alice.


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so thought I'd
get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're
calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself
Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right
curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful
legs all the way up to her butt, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and
figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. God she
sounded sexy!

I said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one. No, wait; I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is s-e-x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go
hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream,
anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, sir, but for an outside line you need to
press 9."
 
Posts: 10 | Location: San Francisco Bay AreaReport This Post
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Picture of Caterwauller
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HEHEHEHEHEHEHE

Excellent, Rick!


*******
"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
~Dalai Lama
 
Posts: 5149 | Location: Columbus, OhioReport This Post
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Oh...Rick, how hilarious! Big Grin Nice to have you here!
 
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quote:
Originally posted by Kalleh:
Oh...Rick, how hilarious! Big Grin Nice to have you here!


Thanks... except someone has said that after everyone of my posts Razz
 
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Rick, we are a small site and love to get new people. I think people do that in hopes that we can snag you to post here. Often newbies come, make a few posts, and then leave. We'd like that NOT to happen with you.

That's all.
 
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This joke comes from Asa...we haven't figured out why, but he can't cut and paste here:

A man and his wife were sitting in the living
room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw
out all of his beer
 
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quote:
Originally posted by Kalleh:
... he can't cut and paste ...

Gee, Asa, maybe you should have paid attention in kindergarten.

Tinman
 
Posts: 2795 | Location: Shoreline, WA, USAReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
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quote:

Gee, Asa, maybe you should have paid attention in kindergarten.

Tinman

Ay, there's the rub. I didn't get to go to kindergarten, going directly into first grade instead. I didn't understand the teacher's instructions therefore, and thought she wanted me to cut out some pasties. She thought that to be indecent, and I spent considerable time in the principal's office. This greatly traumatized me early in life, contributing greatly to my fear of/bizarre fascination with the female anatomy. Frown
 
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Gee, Asa, maybe you should have paid attention in kindergarten.

Funny you should bring that up. The school district in our area was ready to have my daughter skip a grade in kindergarten because she was on reading levels years way beyond her peers and her math skills were exceptional.

However, in the end, they decided that she shouldn't be promoted to a higher grade because her cutting skills weren't quite up to snuff. She could read at the fifth greade level. She has always been a star in math. But...she couldn't cut all that well, which apparently is/was a necessary skill!
 
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Ah. That's another British/US English clash. Until I read the final part of your post, I thought you meant this type of pasty, then I realised you meant the brief spangly nipple-covering kind that strippers and "exotic" dancers wear.
 
Posts: 480 | Location: UKReport This Post
<Asa Lovejoy>
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quote:
Originally posted by Dianthus:
Ah. That's another British/US English clash. Until I read the final part of your post, I thought you meant this type of[/URL] pasty,

Cornish hog and clogged cream? Uhhhh, if it's all the same to you, Di, I'll stay with the low-cholesterol nipple ornament type of pasty! Smile
 
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A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, ! NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says, very slowly, "So.. ya... gonna... run... for... Congress... again?"
 
Posts: 10 | Location: San Francisco Bay AreaReport This Post
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I think that last joke was said better(and more succinctly) by Twain. Plus, noboby with an about a 100 likes NASCAR... : )
 
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"So.. ya... gonna... run... for... Congress... again?"

That's great, Rick! Big Grin I am thinking that "Congress" wasn't the original word there. Wink
 
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I've posted that one on the other Forums I frequent and it's going down very well there Smile.
 
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From the Reader's Digest:

Why are there only snowmen and no snow-women? Because only men are crazy enough to stand out in the snow all winter. Big Grin

Now, that seems validated by the Chicago Bears game I just saw. It is windy and about 5 degrees out here in Chicago tonight, and the Bears were playing in shirt sleeves. I really don't see how they do it. I was out shopping and had to take my gloves off to find my keys; my fingers burned from the cold all the way home!
 
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Picture of Caterwauller
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I'd not read this thread in a while, and last night I heard someone tell that joke of Rick's . . . slightly differently . . . and now I read it here! Cool!


*******
"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
~Dalai Lama
 
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Not really a joke, but funny nonetheless...

I received a Hanukkah card that says:

The Beatles Top 10 Hanukkah Songs:

~ Eight Days to Eat
~ All You Need is Gelt
~ Happiness is a Warm Latke
~ I Wanna Hold Your Brisket
~ With a Little Help from my MashoogaBubbe
~ Baby You Can Light My Menorah
~ Jealous Goy
~ Magical Miracle of the Oil Ant-Acid Tour
~ Instant Torah
~ Everybody's got somethin' to Hide Except Me and My Dreidle

[I know, some of them are a little weak, to say the least. Roll Eyes]
 
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They missed at least one:
Hey Judah!


Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
 
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<Asa Lovejoy>
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And then there's the early christian song, "Goy To the World."
 
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...an interesting concept linguistically speaking, since "goy" means "nation" in Hebrew, making "goyim" (plural) "nations." So in fact they _are_ the [rest of the] world...
 
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