If one seeks information about witches, does one consult Wiccapedia?

Is the majority of the German sex trade in Schtupgart?

Lawn furniture is found in Wickerpedia.

I found this among some papers the other day. I have no idea who wrote it or where it came from but I think it deserves wider distribution.

Louise
Knock, knock! “Come on in.” “I’m Louise.”
”Well, sit down. Cup of coffee?” “Yes, please.”
”So you’ve come for the job
Of P.A? Call me Bob;
You’re the first of my interviewees.”

“Some questions; how old are you, dear?”
”22" “And what size are you here?”
”I’m a 38C.
Look; I have a degree
Which I gained at the start of the year.”

“You have, have you? Good. Up you get;
Step this way, turn around; now, my pet,
Will you please touch your toes.”
”Well, OK, I suppose;
Have we finished this interview yet?”

“Oh no! I’ve more questions. (Your rear,
By the way, is quite scrumptious, my dear.)
Now, sit down again, miss,
And just answer me this;
Is your underwear silky and sheer?”

“Why yes; and my panties are red.
But I’d much rather tell you, instead,
That I know how to type ...”
”Oh, forget all that tripe;
Are you single, divorced or just wed?”

“I’m single; but Bob, I’m perplexed;
I won’t answer your questions; I’m vexed.”
”That’s too bad then, my dear;
You can’t work for me here,
And I bet you’re a lesbian. Next!”

And this came today as an e-mail.

------------------HAPPY 5770!-------------------
Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist:
The Torah says: Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, there is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.
But if there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else. Is that so complicated?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
And remember, wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every
physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you
never visited. And whose fault was that?
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist...

Someone sent me this today, and, indeed, it is the World's Worst Joke!

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look truly attractive?

A: Put a nipple on it.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'"

A famous eye surgeon was given a dinner upon his retirement and the MC proudly unveiled a painting which he presented to the doctor. The painting featured a human eye with the doctor's face centered in the iris.

The doctor thanked everyone for attending and said he truly appreciated the portrait. "However," he said, "I'm glad that I changed my specialty to eye surgery instead of my original choice -- obstetrics."

Well, Bob, I don't know why you aren't writing limericks for us!

Here is one sent to me by a loyal reader of Wordcraft. I think it is hilarious:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,

the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds,etc......

I called suicide hotline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

My friend Mark reached the end of the bus line late one night and began walking the mile to his house. As he trudged homeward along the dark lane, he heard behind him “Mark! Mark!” but when he turned, no one was there. Believing he was hearing things, he set out once more into the darness.

However, after walking about twenty feet he again heard “Mark! Mark!” and turned to see who was calling. Once again there was no one in sight. But he knew now he had definitely heard his name being called and felt a shiver creep up his spine when he realized he was opposite a cemetary.

He began to walk faster, his heart racing, and once more heard, “MARK! MARK!” only louder and much, much nearer. He turned but in the darkness surrounding him, he saw nothing.

By now thoroughly apprehensive, he began to run. “MARK! MARK!” came the voice, now close behind him. He increased his speed, snorting great gobs of air into his starved lungs, his legs becoming stumps that refused to carry him any further --“MARK! MARK! MARK!” -- until he finally he could run no further and stopped to await his fate.

It was only then that he saw behind him a dog with a harelip.

COUGH, COUGH! >gag< That was really bad, Proof. Allow me to attempt a rebuttal...

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if
I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for
some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"



The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

quote:

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

"Home Depot" being a DIY store or similar? Not a name I've ever heard of.

precisely

I believe it was the same man who said to a clerk, "I'd like to buy that television on the shelf behind you."
"I'm sorry," said the clerk. "I can't sell that to you."
And the man became irate. "What do you mean you can't sell me that TV? Are you being racist?"
"No, no!" said the clerk. "I can't sell you that TV because it's a microwave oven and I need it to heat your sandwich."