In light of current events:

Said the Pope, “While the Church is my life,
I’m too old for continual strife.
So I’m leaving this hassle
For Gondolfo Castle
To spend time with my kids and my wife.”

Not the Pope any more. Life is sweeter
Since leaving my job with St. Peter.
But retire? That sucks.
I'll be making good bucks
In my new job at Walmart as greeter.

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".

If an ancient Greek zombie were to exceed Mach 1, would you hear a chthonic boom?

What??? No groans from the above post? Well, how about this one:

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected cfolks looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: ““I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.””
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. As can be expected, they gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“”The flight was exciting and the room was lovely””, she said. ““I’ve come to thank you. But one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?””

"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat..."

During the war in Iraq, American soldiers noticed that Iraqi men were followed by their wives, three paces behind them. The men said it was based on their religion and the inferiority of the women.

Later, the soldiers noticed the women were walking three paces in front of the men. The soldiers mentioned that apparently the men were becoming cognizant of women's equality?

"No," replied the men. "Land mines."

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes..
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

There are several zombie or vampire-themed TV shows currently. That's probably because their writers were enrolled in that childhood reading program, Hooked on Cthonics.

A young archeologist went to the office of a leading scientist with great news. "What is the great news that you have for me?" asked the scientist.
"Amazing news. While on an expedition to Egypt, I was offered the mummified vaginas of Queen Nefertiti and her ladies-in-waiting. I took all my available funds and bought the six artifacts. There has never been such a find in the history of our science. This will make me world-famous. All I need is verification that they are genuine and I would like your expert opinion on their authenticity."
"Indeed, that would be an astounding find. Let me examine the specimens," and the prized possessions were handed to him. He took each in his hand and carefully examined them. He held each one under his nose and sniffed, then delicately bit each one, gently running his tongue inside each. Finished, he carelessly tossed them aside and sat back down, unsmil9ing.
"Are they authentic?" asked the younger man.
"My boy, you've been swindled. They're all assholes."

Typical mummified remains of politicians.

Blonde sisters Joanna and Joni were from Alabama. They loved to fish and heard ice-fishing was great fun, so went to Maine in January.
They stopped at a sporting goods store to buy licenses and get supplies. The clerk said they would need several ice picks to cut a hole in the ice, so they bought two.
Later that day, Joanna returned and asked for several more ice picks.
Some hours later, Joni arrived and bought a dozen more ice picks.
Hours after, Joanna sought a box of ice picks.
The clerk asked, "Are you having trouble cutting the hole?"
"Yes, we are. But another hour and it should be big enough for the boat."

One day Joanna and Joni were in town window-shopping and killing time when they noticed a tourist walking around taking pictures. The girls always loved having their pictures taken, so they approached the tourist.

"Would you'all take our picture?" asked Joanna.

"I'd be happy to," said the tourist, and he set about focusing his camera while the girls posed. He kept fiddling with his camera and Joni said to her older sister "What's he doin'"?

Joanna replied, "He has to focus first."

The younger girl looked at her sister, wide-eyed, and said, "Bof of us?"

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quote:

"Bof of us?"

And with that little Brownie?

So THAT's what "F-stops" mean.

?When I entered the bar, the club pro was drinking heavily at a table.
"How did your tournament game go today?" I asked.
"I lost," he said.
I was astonished. His opponent was so bad a player he sometimes couldn't even tell his putter from his driver.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Before we began play, the guy said since we weren't anywhere near equal players, perhaps I should give him handicap, just for this game. I agreed, thinking no matter what I had togive him, I could still win.
"What sort of handicap do you want, I asked. He said he thought two "gotchas" would be fine. I had never heard of a "gotcha" but I didn't want to show my ignorance, so I just said OK.
"We began to play. He took seven shots to get on the green while my second put me in excellent position for a birdie. As I lined up my putt, he suddenly thrust his driver between my legs and slammed me in the balls with the head, at the same time yelling, "GOTCHA!" The pain was unbelievable and it threw off my shots so I lost the hole."
"My god, that is terrible," I said. 'But he only had one left. Why did you lose?"
"Have you ever tried to play seventeen holes waiting for that second GOTCHA?"

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Zeke and Jeb were a-settin' on the veranda t'other day watching others working. Zeke said, "Done much huntin' lately?" Jeb was known as one of the best hunters and the finest shot in three states.
"Yep," said Jeb. "Jes' t'other day ah went out lookin' for b'ar. And ah found a big b'ar asleep under Whipple's Rock. You know the place?"
"That rock that's about fifty feet high and two hunnert feet long?"
"Yep. That's it. But ah couldn't get a good shot from whar ah was so I figured ah'd jes aim at the rock and glancet a bullet off the rock and hit the b'ar in the back of the head. So ah took careful aim and ah far'd.
"Did you git the b'ar?"
"Nope. Ah missed the rock."

Some of the zoo animals were watching football on TV and, at half-time, the suggestion was made that pizza should be had. However, it was so snowy and icy that no one wanted to go. The centipede volunteered, saying, "My hundred legs can get a lot of traction on ice and snow, so I'll have no problem." Out the door he went.

An hour later, the animals noticed the centipede still hadn't returned with the pizze, so the giraffe opened the front door to see if he was on the way back. He found the centipede just outside the door. "Did you get the pizza?"

"Not yet. I'm still putting on my boots."

Three men of various skin colors died and all arrived at the Pearly Gates to Heaven. St. Peter was waiting for them and said, "In order to get into Heaven, you have to answer a simple question and your answer doesn't need to be exact. We also have a non-discrimination policy here, so it doesn't matter what your race is."
He turned to the first man, who was white.
"What was the world's worst ship disaster?"
"I believe it was the sinking of the Titanic.
"That's right. Enter the heavenly realm."
St. Peter turned to the next man, who was light brown.
"How many people died on the Titanic?"
"About eleven hundred," said the man.
"Close enough," said St. Peter. "Enter."
He turned to the last man who was almost black.
"Eleven hundred people died on the wreck. Name them all."

- NO JOKE -

And a Happy Thanksgiving, to USns and all.

Since the bible was written in the English of Shakespeare's day, and all those Jesus portraits depict some guy with auburn hair, it follows that saint Peter is a white guy and a game show host.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy went rogue because he didn't have a good roll model.

quote:

Since the bible was written in the English of Shakespeare's day

I can't recall the exact anecdote but some southern politician once quoted the Bible in a speech but was told later that his interpretation of a verse conflicted with the wording in the original Hebrew.
The pol was highly incensed at being corrected and said, "I don't know anything about Hebrew. All I inow is, if English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me."

My sarcastic point, exactly!

Little Susie ran to her mother, crying.
"What's the matter, dear?" asked Mom.
"Johnny just kicked me in the stomach."
The mother went to confront Johnny.
"Why did you kick your sister in the stmach/'
"I didn't want to but she turned around too fast."

The high winds abated sufficiently so that all the balloons in the Macy's Parade went aloft...except for the Obamacare balloon, which they couldn't get off the ground.

John was an avid golfer and almost every day during the season he could be found on the links with his best friend, George. One day, John was very late returning from his game, so his wife began to worry that something had happened to him. But, just as darkness was setting in, John appeared, red in the face and highly disheveled.
"My god, John," she cried. "Are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm fine. But it was a terrible day. As we were hitting onto the fifth green, George grabbed his chest and fell down with a heart attack. It was awful."
"I can't believe it. What did you do?"
"What could I do? For the rest of the day it was hit the ball and drag George. Hit the ball and drag George. Hit the ball and drag George."

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
... all the balloons in the Macy's Parade went aloft...except for the Obamacare balloon, which they couldn't get off the ground.

What? Despite all the hot air???

quote:

Originally posted by Geoff:

quote:

Originally posted by Proofreader:
... all the balloons in the Macy's Parade went aloft...except for the Obamacare balloon, which they couldn't get off the ground.

What? Despite all the hot air???

It sounds like it was inflated with hot air but just wouldn't fly

That's politics for ya!

Tom, have you submitted a limerick for The Moon?

"Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in church but a cause for concern in a Mexican prison.
From Phil Proctor's website.

If Kim Jong Un spoke French, would his progeny be Kim Jong Deux and Kim Jong Trois?

Awww, c'mon, B35, wasn't it at least worth a groan? Peut-etre an petit sourire? Non? Eh, bien...

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A ouple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching T V, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

This one has been making the rounds for several years at this time of the holiday.

An old man called his son in another state and said, "I've had it. I'm divorcing your mother. Forty-five years of her is all I can stand."
"Dad! What are you saying? You can't leave Mom>."
"Yes, and I'm doing it right now."
"Wait. Let me call Sis and talk to her first."
The old man agreed and soon got a call from hi daughter, who was living in Singapore.
"What are you thinking? You can't leave after all these years."
"No, it's settled. I'm getting out."
"Stop and don't do anything until we can talk."
The old man talked a little longer, then hung up the phone. He turned to his wife and said, "It's OK. They'll both be here for Christmas and they're paying their own air fare."
A sensible senior moment.

- - - A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor has heard this one before, and without a word he simply makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Buddhist monk.

The vendor replies, "Change must come from within."

An elderly man was stopped by the police early in the morning and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, the effects it has on the human body, and the dangers of smoking and staying out late.”

“Really?” the officer asked skeptically, “And just who is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?”

“That would be my wife,” the man replied

A blonde woman, speeding down the road in her little red sports car, was pulled over by a female police officer, also a blonde. The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license.

She dug through her purse, getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

OK that last one is so good I'm sending it to family! LOL!

Don't send them this one. It's an oldie.

A Lothario courted a rich, naïve young lady. She insisted on remaining a virgin until her wedding night and required that her new husband be a virgin, too. The man promised that he had never been with a woman and she agreed to be married.

However the man, frustrated at the lack of sex in the arrangement, found a willing woman the night before the wedding and engaged in strenuous sex. It was so strenuous that there was a "POP" and a massive pain his his penis. At the emergency room the doctor told him, while rare, he had broken his penis.

"I'm getting married in the morning. Can you fix it?"

"Of course," said the doctor. "I'll just take these tongue depressors and use them as spints.
You should be fine."

The next day the man was married and took his new bride to the wedding suite.

As they undressed, she said to him, "Are you really a virgin?"

Pulling down his trousers, he pointed and said, "Indeed I am. Just look here. Never been used since it's still in the original crate."

When he reported for duty at his new desert outpost, a young legionairre was put in the care of a veteran soldier. This older man was told to teach the recruit all he needed to know to survive. For the next few weeks the older man kept an eye on the recruit and was pleased at how quickly he learned.

one day the veteran said to his protégé, "I have good news. Tonight, after work, everyone is going to have sex.'

The recruit was astonished. "But how will we have sex? There aren't any women within twenty miles."

"We don't need women. We have the camels."

The recruit didn't believe his mentor but decided to withhold judgment until after work, to see if this was a joke.

After work, the vet said, "Time to head to the corral." And off he went, followed by the recruit.

When they arrived at the corral, all forty men of the detachment were perched on the rails, looking at the herd of sixty camels, lovingly.

"When the captain blows his whistle, quicly jump into the corral and grab a camel," said the vet.

"But why do I have to rush? There are more camels than there are of us."

"Are you stupid/ Do you want to get any ugly one?"

When the next recruit arrived, the captain said to him, "There seems to be some confusion about sex life here. When you want sex, you can use the camel."

Some time later, the captain arrived for an inspection and found the recruit in the corral screwing a camel.

"What are you doing/' roared the captain.

"I'm just doing what you said if I wanted sex," stammered the soldier.

"You idiot!" said the captain. "I meant use the camel to ride into town."

Have you been watching QI, Proof? Both those stories were told by a couple of panel members in an episode some time ago.

I've seen QI on YouTube but nothing recent. Most are several years old, and my antenna can't pick up the BBC. If it could, I guess I'd have to be concerned about inspectors looking in my window.

Any time I repeat a joke that I've heard or seen recently, I attribute it to the instigator. But those two I heard so many years back, the Legion was still extant in the desert fighting the Tuaregs (or, as one guy described them during a discussion at work -- to the delight of all in the area -- the Twatsis).

Here's a goodie from Phil Proctor's latest newsletter.

A public school teacher was arrested at JFK International airport this morning as he
attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement and confirmed that the man has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like X and Y and refer to
themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the ‘axis of medieval’ with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, ‘There are three sides to every triangle.’”

The Attorney General concluded that “Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems without strict governmental standards is dangerous and puts our government at risk.”

One morning, an executive had to fly on a business trip that would take some time to complete. As he packed he remembered he had a pair of shoes at the repair shop but decided he didn't have enough time to stop and retrieve them before his flight. As it happened, what he thought would take several weeks turned into a fifteen year trip.

Upon his return, as he was going through the detritus he had accumulated, he came upon the ticket for the shoes. Since the repair shop was on the way to his office, he decided to stop on the way to work the next day.

AS he drove toward the shop, he was amazed to find the entire area had been developed with new high-rise buildings. He assumed the shop was gone but to his surprise there, nestled in between to huge office buildings, was the little cobbler shop.

He entered and found a wizened old man behind the counter.

"It's been a while and you probably don't remember me," he said, "but I left this pair of shoes here." He handed over the ticket for the item.

The old man peered at the ticket, then went into the back room. There were sounds of shoes being tossed around for several minutes. Then the old man came back out and said, "They'll be ready Tuesday."

Reminded me of this joke about soviet era Russia...

In 1970 a Russian man decided he wanted to buy a new television set. He went to the dealer who showed him the latest one channel black and white sets. After some discussion he agreed to buy one and they started to arrange for delivery. The salesman said we can deliver on the 30th Jun 1974. The man thought for moment and said "morning or afternoon"?
The salesman answered "morning".
"Can you make it the afternoon?" he said.
"Yes, why?" asked the salesman.
He answered "My new fridge is being delivered in the morning."

Today it would be "waiting for the cable guy."

Here's another from Phil Proctor:

WHAT’S IN A WORD?

The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop. Ruth says to Golda, “Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he’s afraid the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes.”

“So, Ruthie,” Golda says after offering congratulations, “do you have any idea what is this ‘herpes’ and can your Irving catch it?”

Ruth answers, “God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. And as far as this ‘herpes’ goes, who knows?”

“Well,” Golda says, “I have a very fine medical dictionary; I’ll just run home right now and look it up.”

Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, “Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! “It says herpes is a disease affecting the Gentiles.”

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Randy Cassingham at Jumbo Joke told this one:

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you — how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

"What a pity," the second blonde says with a shake of his head. "If only you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

********************************************

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle bunny wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, and he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white bunny wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack bunny wabbit? Or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown bunny over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't know. I don't think my boa conthricter givths a thit."

Interesting the use of blonde. It made me think the protagonists were female until halfway through. I'd have put blonds.