A little light humor goes a long way, I C.
On a different subject, but still within the same Nerd Alert - do you know the one about the Banach-Tarsky anagram?
I'm afraid to ask.
As you may know, a mathematician's favorite dessert is pi.
What' gray, comes in quarts, and lives at the bottom of the sea? Moby' dick.
What's an appropriate anagram for BANACH-TARSKI"?
Answer: BANACH-TARSKI BANACH-TARSKI.
(References provided upon request. Or, YCLIU.)
What's gray, comes in quarts, and lives at the bottom of the sea? Moby's dick.
How naïve was he? He though Moby Dick was a venereal disease.
(And with that I betray my age. These days it's called an STD.)
Oh? When did it change?
Geoff, who still thinks Ess Ewe Veez are station wagons.
Wen T. Rump gets sworn in he'll be taking the oaf of office.
A newlywed couple had tried unsuccessfully to conceive. The wife desparately wanted a child but nothing worked. They considered in vitr fertilization but rejected it on religious grounds. Then one day the woman saw an ad on Craidslist for a stranger who offered his services in donating his sperm. Reluctantly, the husband agreed and an appointment was scheduled for after the husband left for work.
On the day scheduled, the wife waited nervously for the sperm donor to arrive. While she waited a baby photographer was ringing doorbells in her neighborhood and he arrived at her door ahead of the donor.
“Good morning, madam. I’ve cme to shoot…”
“Yes, I know why youre here. Come in. ”Really?” said the photographer, thinking word of his expertise must have preceded him. My specialty is babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I heard. Where do we start?”
”Well, I usually do a few on the couch, one in the bathtub, and finish with severa in the bedroom. That works best for me.
“That explains why we didn’t have much luck.”
“I use several different positions and shoot from various angles. I’m sure you’ll be pleased at the results/”
I certainly hope so. Can we get this over quickly?
‘In my line of work, I have to tke my time. It’s no good rushing these things. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d m\be disappointed with that.”
The photographer showed her a folder of baby pictures. “This one was on of top of a bus,” he said proudly.
“Really?” she said, surprised.
“And these turned out well considering the mother was very difficult.”
“In what way?”
“She insisted we go outdoors, so we went to the city park to get the job done properly. People were crowding four deep to watch. I was exhausted since it took over three hours to finish.”
“Do you guarantee results?”
“Certainly. You should see results next week since new technology means no long development times. Once you approve the final product, we can determine what the best size should be.”
“You can alter the size?”
“”Indeed. With computers you can blow them up or shrink them to fit anywhere. If you want we can even mount them in a leather binder.”
By now the wife was worried.
“OK,” said the photographer. “Excuse me while I get my tripod.”
“Why do you need a tripod?”
“I use it to rest my Canon…”
At which point the wife fainted.
My, my, it's certainly grown over time.
When I heard it first in Junior High School it ended at the City Park, with the punchline
"... I was exhausted since it took over three hours to finish...It took so long the squirrels were nibbling on my equipment!"
That's what passed for humor at the age of 13.
Humor isn't defined by age and the best live in our hearts forever.
A 24-page folder made of gold plates featuring prophecies is being stored ina sacred place in Salt Lake City by a religious group. They call it the Mormon Tabernacle Quire.
In the delivery room, a husband sat by his wifes side as she gave birth. Suddenly the woman began to scream, "Couldn't, shouldn't, wouldnt, can't!"
The husband was concerned and she continued to yell: ""Couldn't, shouldn't, wouldnt, can't!"
He turned to the doctor. "What's wrong, doc?"
"Nothing is wrong. She's having contractions."
You've been listening to too many old Jack Benny programs, with Señor Wences ...
Every joke is new to those who haven't heard it before. I never claimed originality.
Hey, if T. Rump can channel Eric Arthur Blair, Proof can channel Benny Kubelsky!
No one forces you to read this thread. There's always porn.
Hollywood is going to remake the press conference as a sequel to a recent movie. They can't decide if t should be Forrest Gump II or The Manchurian Candidate.
It's expected to be a big hit all over Trumpistan.
"Sigh," then "So?" I feel an old joke in the works, Hab! More Señor Winces, IIRC.
John had finshed a round of golf and stopped at a drive-through to order a burger. The girl at the window gave his total and he fished through his pocket for change. As he searched, the girl said , "Nice car. What is it?"
"A Toyota Camry," John replied.
He took out some change along with a golf tee.
"What's that?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, that's where I rest my balls when I drive."
"My god, these Japanese think of everything."
A ma sffering from a hangover was relating his adventures on the previous evening. "I was at the best party in a really swanky house, which I think might belong to Donald Trump."
"What makes you think that?"
"It had a solid gold toilet and he's the only person who would own one."
His friend didn't believe the tale s the man offered to take him to the house."They arrived at a regal mansion and rang the doorbell. A woman answered the door.
"Can I help you?"
"We were wondering if your house has a gold toilet."
The woman stared for second, then turned and called into the house, "Hey, John. Here's the guy who crapped in your tuba."
Online cartoon showed DJT swearing in on a copy of [i]The Art of the Deal/i]:
I, Donald J. Trump, do probably swear to fabulously execute the offoce of President of the United States as long as there's something in it for me, but not until Monday, so hep me Putin.
Protest sign in England:
Here is an amazing set of parodies from other countries about The Donald
Arriving at the Peary Gate, a man was greeted by St. Peter, who showed him around. They passed a huge wall of clocks and the man said, "I f we're here foe eternity, why do we need clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "Thise are Lie Clocks. Everyone is assigned a cloc when they're born and the hands only move if you tell a lie. For example that clock has never moved because it belonged to George Washington, who never told a lie. That one has only moved twice since it belonged to AbraHam Lincoln."
"That's interesting," said the man. "But where is Donald Trump's clock?"
"That's in the mess hall. We use it as a ceiling fan."
The radio anounccer said, "We expect at least ten inces of snow today so please move your vehicles to the even-numbered side of the street so plows ca do their job" So the husband put his car on the correct side.
Several days later the radio announced, "We expect twelve inches of snow, so please move your car to the odd-numbered side of the road to enable plowing." The man duly moved his car.
The next week the announcer saif, "At least fourteen inches of snow is expected so please move your autos to..." and the electricity failed.
The husband was perplexed. "I don't know what to do," he moaned.
"Well," said his wife, "Why don' we just leave it in the garage this time?"
That was a GOOD joke, not one of the WORST.
Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
A little girl in church told her mother she felt sick. The mother was engrossed in the service and advised her to go outsige until she felt better. The child left but was back in a minute. The mother said, "I thought you were going outside?"
"I didn't have to. Luckily there's box at the back that says "For the Sick."
A guy took his English girlfriend to an American football game. They had great seats right behind his team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, especially the tight trousers, but I just couldn't understand why they were attempting to kill each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' It's only 25 cents! Are all the players Scots?"
Came on the thread to post one but see Proofreader beat me to it (moving car for snowplow.) Also love Sick Box joke Proof!
I'm sure yours is great too Geoff but I'm embarrassed to say I don't get it!
bisexual: someone who doesn't mind what he finds when placing a hand down your pants.
A young man, eager to make his way in the world, arrived early at work. His boss arrived and said "I'm glad you're here. I need an address and phone number immediately. Look up Alfred Zimbalist in the phone book." (This was before the internet.)
The boss busied himself in whatever bosses do and didn't notice the passage of time. He hurried into the outer office and found his employee at his desk. "Did you find the information I asked for?"
"You should have it shortly. I'm up to the letter 'M'".
Should your summer vacation plans include a trip to the Grand Canyon, you may want to reconsider that option. In order to facilitate building the Wall, it will be necessary to improve the infrastructure of some southern states. A new superhighway will be constructed across Arizona but one giant impediment is crossing the Grand Canyon. A bridge is out of the question, as is a tunnel. So the Department of Transportation, in collaboration with the Environmental Protection Agency, has announced plans to completely fill in the canyon with material from cleanup sites all over the US. Naturally this will prevent free flow of the Colorado River but Nestle (which insists access to water is not a right) has agreed to siphon off the water built up and use it in their bottling program. This is a win-win for business, although ordinary consumers may notice it's harder and more expensive to slake their thirst. Farmers in California and other states which use the Colorado for irrigation will be able to buy water in bulk in 50-gallon drums to nourish their crops. The empty containers can then be used to ship illegals back to their respective countries. Problems solved.
PS. The fake news that deportable immigrants requiring expensive court hearings would be used as landfill for the project is not true. That proposal, which was floated by Steve Bannon, was rejected and, instead, while awaiting court dates, detainees will use their time to landscape the filled area to make the next Trump resort and golf course.
Apocryphal physics essay: Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
"Professor Higgs, what's that dance, his student asked. "And didn't your latest theory lay an egg?" He replied, "I'll eventually be vindicated, and I'm dancing the boson-ova."
Found on the "Quora" website:
A guy dies and goes to the doors of Heaven. Saint Peter looks at his resume and says :
— “You don’t deserve to go to Heaven, but your life hasn’t been so bad, so I will let you choose between German Hell and French Hell!"
— “Saint Peter, I’m not sure what the difference is. Can you describe it so I can choose wisely?”
— “Well, in German Hell, you are stuck in a big tank of shit, there’s a big fire underneath that burns you, and there are demons with spears who prevent you from escaping!”
— “Hmm, that doesn’t seem to be a very good place to spend my afterlife! What about French Hell?”
— “In French Hell, you are stuck in a big tank of shit, there’s a big fire underneath that burns you, and there are demons with spears that prevent you from escaping!”
— “I’m sorry, but I can’t see the difference!”
— “There is none! But in French Hell, one day there’s no shit, the next day the demons are on strike and another day, there’s no wood to light the fire!”This message has been edited. Last edited by: Geoff,
A man invited his work colleague to dinner at his home. When they walked in the door, the man's wife ran to him and began showering him with kisses. Then she went into the kitchen to prepare the meal.
\The colleague said, "It's wonderful to see a couple still in love after all these years. How long have you been marries?"
"Thirteen years. But she really only acts that way to make the dog jealous."
President Trump visited the Queen of England. He asked for her advice about governing and she said to pick the smartest people.
“But how do I tell who the smartest people are?”
“Ask the a question and see if they can answer it” She asked Theresa May to come in. She asked May,” “Your mother and father have a child but it is neither your sister nor your brother. Who is it?”
May thought for a second. “It’s me.”
Trump was impressed and called in Mike Pence. “Your mother and father have a child but it is neither your sister nor your brother. Who is it?”
Pence thought for a second, then said, “I’ll have to ask some people. Let me get back to you.”
Pence called his staff but no one knew the answer. He asked all his Republican friends but again he struck out. Finally he decided to seek the advice of the former president. He presented the question to Obama who thought for a second and said, “It’s me.”
Pence went back to Trump and said, “I have the answer. It’s Obama.”
“No, you idiot,” said Trump. “It’s Theresa May.”
Three dogs at the vet.
Dog one to dog two: Why are you here?
Dog two: I chewed up my master's new leather chair, so they're putting me down. What are you here for?
Dog one: I ruined a new rug, so they're putting me to sleep.
To dog three: What are you here fr?
Dog three: My mistress was taking a bath. She stripped and bent over the tub to checp the water and I mounted her.
Dog one: So they're putting you to sleep?
Dog three; No, she's having my nails clipped.
A man was unable to consummate his marital vows and sought every aid he could find. Nothing worked, including large doses of Viagra. Disconsolate, he eventually (as a last resort) went to a witch. The witch told him she had a potion and a spell that would solve his problem.
"Just before getting into bed, swallow the drink, then say 'One, two, three' and you'll get an immediate erection. Once you've satisfied your wife, say 'One, two, three, four' and it will go down. But be careful since you can onl do this once."
The man went home and, that night, before bed he downed the potion ad said, "One, tw, three." Immediately his member sprang to life. He hopped into bed and as he went to embrace his wife she asked, "What did you sat 'One, two, three for?"
What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an Eskimo?
The world's best snowblower.
what happens when she's frigid? If she's always frigid that would explain permafrost.
John was breathing his last in his bed. As he struggled for breath, he detected the aroma of freshly-baked cookies wafting from the kitchen. He decided that before he died he would have one last cookie baked by his wife. Savoring the idea of that delicious morsel, he used his remaining strength to pull himself out of bed, then began a slow and arduous crawl toward the kitchen.
Entering the kitchen, he spotted a huge plate of cooling cookies -- the best his wife ever baked -- cooling on the table. Slowly he crept forward and, reaching the table, he moved hand-over-hand up toward his target. With his remaining vigor, he reached for the cookies. They were almost in his grasp. He coulds almost taste them. But as his fingers were closing on one, his wife slapped his hand away.
"What are you doing? Those are for the wake."
May be the previous man, but on his death bed he called for his wife.
"Do you remember when my business failed? You were right by my side."
"Yes, I was, dear."
"And when I had a horrific car accident, there you were, right there."
"Yes, I was."
"And when I almost died from heart attack, you were right thee."
"Yes I was. But why did you call me here?"
"To tell you you're a damned jinx!"
"I can understand how you get Will from William," said one woman. "And I also get Ted from Theodore. But how do you get Dick from Richard?"
"All you have to d is go on a date with him."
`Yesterday's big lottery reminds me of the man who sincerely wanted to win the big bucks. So he got down on his knees and prayed long and hard, "Dear God, please let me win the lottery. I'e been good all my life ad I've never asked you for anything. Please, please, let me win."
His wails were answered as the heavens parted and a voice said, "All right. Quit whining. I'll let you win. Just do me one favor."
"Of course. Anything."
"Please buy a ticket"
Oh. Betraying MY age, I thought an STD was the new name for a station wagon.
Woman #1: I can understand how you get Ted from Theodore and Bob from Robert but how do you get Dick from Richard?
Woman #2: Go on a date with him.
Same two wmen at a nudist camp. One points to a man ad asks her companion, "Isn't that Dick Brown?"
"It should be. It's been in the sun all summer."
I can't verify this.
When he was several years away frm his candicacy, DJT was a NYC real estate mogul. People from a local charity arrived at his door ne Xmas seeking a donation.
DJT said, "My father has suffered severe setbacks and is bankrupt; my mother is seriously ill and needs an operation;; my brother is losing his house and business; and my wife is having complications from pregnancy. If I won't help them, why do you think I'd give to you?"
Back when telegrams were delivered t your door, a man opened his and found a delivery boy there.
"I have a telegram fr John Smith."
"Im Smith. Is it a singing telegram?"
"No, sir. I don't deliver singing telegrams."
"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Could't you sing this one for me?"
"No, I can't do that."
"Please. I really want a singing telegram."
"All right I'll sing it."
He opened the envelope and sang, "Oh, your mother died today, your mother died today. Hi-ho aderrio, your mother died today"