Try reading it again, aloud.
It made sense to me. Try reading it as if you still have the sense of humour you had when you were six.
"No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Samuel Johnson.
My current blog.
Photographs to accompany Anyone Can DO It available from www.lulu.com
My photoblog The World Through A lens
Sort of like "o wa ta foo lie am." I don't think it passed the smell test.
In the morning, a son called the nursing home his father had entered the previous day to see how he was doing.
"I love it here," he exclaimed. "This morning I woke up and had an erection and a nurse saw it and did a Lewinski. I love it here!"
Later that day, the father called the son.
"Come and get me! I want to go home!"
"What happened? You thought it was great this morning."
"After lunch, I was going back to my room and I got dizzy and fell in the corridor. One of the big male attendants came over and I thought he'd help me up. But he didn't. Instead he yanked down my pajama bottoms and sodomized me. Come get me!"
The son tried to console him. "Look, Dad, you had a good time in the morning, didn't you? You have to take the good with the bad."
"But you don't understand," said his father. "I get an erection twice a year but I fall down every day."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'ThePresident is screwing theWorking Class while theGovernment is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
One afternoon, a good witch was flying along, when all of a sudden she heard \soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw a yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
”Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.”
”Don’t cry, little one.”, replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green.
Happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn’t do, but the wizard would fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling good about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. Down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
”Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.”
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all gray.
Happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn’t do, but the wizard would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. “I don’t know where the wizard is”, he sobbed.
”Oh that’s easy.” said the good witch. “Just follow the yellow prick toad.”
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
I once had much the same thing happen to me but the object being cooked was a roast.
Is that roast or boast?
Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Or the guy who came into the kitchen -- and it wasn't his wife, it was the cook. And what ended up being cooked was his goose.
Nah, it's just that it took him all night to do what in his youth he used to do all night.
Last night I tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, "How about it?"
She said, "Will you leave me alone? This is the fourth time we've made love tonight."
I said, "We did?"
That's the bad thing about getting old --- the short-term memory loss.
A young blonde was hired by a national museum as a tour guide. After she had been there a while, the curator followed along as she led a group on a tour of the exhibits.
Standing in front of a dinosaur skeleton, the girl described the beast in detail, ending the speech with, “Someone wanted to know how old this animal is and It is exactly 23 million years, two months and three days old.”
Later, the curator called the blonde into his office. After telling her how happy he was with her performance, the curator said, “The only thing that bothered me is when you gave the dinosaur’s age. How could you be so exact?”
“That’s easy,” she said. “When I came here you told me it was 23 million years old, and that was two months and three days ago.”
A Spanish language Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
My friend's ex-pat Mexican wife expresses her disdain for his computer and her objection to his spending so much time with it and so much money on it by referring to it as his "comPUTAdora"
(puta = "whore.")
And all these years I thought it meant "mother-in-law." No wonder she wouldn't talk to me.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Zoo — But Aren’t
10. Go ahead and touch my snake
9. Look at the bone that guy has!
8. Is that the world’s biggest beaver?
7. Careful, it’s a maneater
6. Do they eat their mates after sex?
5. Put that animal back in its pen!
4. Isn’t that some beautiful tail?
3. It’s really not as slimy as it looks
2. Can you direct me to the cathouse?
1. Feel it. It doesn’t bite.
As some of you may know, the Oregon Zoo now has a new baby elephant. Two years earlier a young lad was heard to exclaim, "Mom, Dad, that elephant behind the other one has a trunk at both ends!"
I've long heard the expresssion, "faster than hades," but only today learned how fast Hades, the god of the underworld, was. He was superchthonic.
With Alaska being in the news so often, I learned today that the Eskimos are spreading a virulent disease by rubbing noses. Government officials say there is a huge rise in cases of sniffilis.
It apparently is worse than the venereal disease being passed on by parakeets, which is know as "Cherpes." At least Cherpes is tweetable.
It is truly amazing what scientists can learn from studying old bones. Just yesterday, a scientific team announced they have evidence that there were actually gay dinosaurs. They have named the male Megasaurass and the female Lickalotapus.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf — But Aren’t
10. Nuts! My shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your followthrough has a lot to be desired
1. Hold up, I need to wash my balls first
The game of Bridge (Whist?) can add a couple of items to that list ...... "Lay down and let's see what you've got," .... "We'd better quit now. That was the last rubber."
.. and so on .....
My latest contribution to the world's collection of groaners....
Professor Schuyler whooped it up; he'd just gotten a package in the mail. The office staff in the Anthropology department looked at him quizzically -- and then back and forth at each other. "Okay, Prof. We give up. What's all the noise?"
"Look!" he replied. And opened the box. Neatly arranged little bundles of fifty-dollar bills. "It's from the Cartwright Foundation. Twenty-five thousand dollars for my research."
"But, umm, wouldn't a check have been easier?"
"Heck, no! This is Grant money!"
-- Bob Dvorak
[note to non-US members. The $50 bill contains a portrait of Ulysses S. Grant, leader of the Union forces in the War Between the States (US Civil War), and 18th president (Lincoln was 16).]
A man strikes up a conversation with the guy on the next bar stool.
"Terrible, all these banks going under at the moment, isn't it?"
"Yes, I heard today from my bank that I've lost £500,000."
"Five hundred Grand?", Wow! How did that happen?"
"They're cutting our bonuses in half."
Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his
wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and
walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice
anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda
bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
‘Two Prostitutes — $150.00.’
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?!’
‘Well, that’s a little different,’ the officer smiled . . . ‘Their sign pertains to religion.’
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
‘Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $150
lThis is based on a joke I heard many years ago and which I've put into a limerick variation:
My doc said that he’d clean each ball
So the sex would be better for all.
But the wash nurse (a toker)
Was a practical joker
And replaced them with onions (size small)
So the doc asked me. “How is your sex?”
And I said that some problems do vex --
A Big Mac stiffens me,
And I cry when I pee,
And the wife says sex tastes like Tex-Mex.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th bi rthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he
saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said,
Murphy, I am so glad
ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father, a
while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat
just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church
every Sunday. I
also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass
and figured he
would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya
didn't steal McGlynn's> hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the
10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I
talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without
the hat than burn in
Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father,
after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered
where I left me hat.
Murphy came into the house with a book under his arm. His wife, Bridget, was surprised since she had never seen him read before. "Sure, and why do you have a book?" she asked.
"Ah!" said Murphy. "This is one of the greatest books ever written. It's called The Joy of Sex. It has pages full of different sexual positions and we're going to try one I like."
"And what position would that be?" she asked.
"It's called 'The Wheelbarrow.' You do a push-up on your hands and I grab your ankles and while you walk on your hands, we have sex."
Bridget thought about it for a minute and said, "All right. We'll give it a try. But I have two conditions."
"And what would they be?"
"One, we stop if me arms get tired."
"Of course," said Murphy. "What's the other?"
"We can't go past me Mum's house."
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I 'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
try to turn back their odometers.
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
Two old guys
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.'
The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,
' Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
Keep your hand over my mouth
Ageing (one of my OEDILF contributions)
When ageing a man calmly faces
The fact he'll no longer win races.
But the bitterest pill
Is he finds that he still
Gets stiff. But in all the wrong places!
Being from Wisconsin, I loved this one that Asa sent me:
*65 above zero:
*Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.
*50 above zero:
*Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.
*35 above zero:
*New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets
*Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.
*20 below zero:
*Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.
*40 below zero:
*ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Wisconsin start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?'
*50 below zero:
*Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late
Four fonts enter a bar for some beer.
And they're greeted by one barman's stare.
He said, "Leave on the double.
I don't want no trouble.
We just don't want your type in here."This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,
Was the bartender racially prejudiced against Italics?
Well, they did come in bold-faced.
Then I hope they have trouble with their colons!
They used to hang with puncs.
"I've just missed my period," she exclaimed, and then she went into a comma.
She should have said, "Don't forget to make a full stop."This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Proofreader>,
This is a condomnation of both Grammar and Gramper.
The average girl’s legs look like this: | |
Gils who ride horseback have legs like this: ( )
Girls who drink liquor have legs like this ) (
Girls who use good judgement have legs like this: X
If they drink too much, their legs look like this /*\
A cub reporter was sent into hillbilly country to find a human interest story. He saw a man sitting on the porch of his rundown shack and stopped to talk.
Eventually, he asked, "Has anything that happened to you ever made you happy?"
The man thought and said, "Oncet the neighbor's daughter got lost and we formed a posse to find her. When we found her, we all screwed her. That made me happy."
"Geez," thought the rpeorter. "I can't print that." So he asked, "Has anything else made you happy?"
"Well-l-l, I recall once my horse got lost and a bunch of us went to find it. When we found it, we all screwed the horse. That made me happy."
"This isn't working," thought the reporter. "OK," he said. "Has anything made you sad?"
"Let's see. Oh, yeah. That would be the day I got lost."
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines One year ago, you will have $49.00 today..
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG One year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers One year ago, you will have $0.00 today..
But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer One year ago, drank all the beer, Then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, You will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan Is to drink heavily & recycle.
Believe me, I know what you say,
'Cause those stocks only lose more each day
But make money on beer?
I'm afraid not, my dear.
That's eight hundred bucks you pissed away.
It's grand joke - sadly it's not true ;( See here - http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/beer.asp
I must have been drinking when I did that calculation
Sally, a contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because . . . her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
"That answer is ABSOLUTELY correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.