A man collapsed on the street and as people came to his aid, he asked for a priest. There were no churches nearby but a man stepped forward and offered to help. “Are you a priest?” he was asked.

“No,” he repled, “but I lived directly behind a Catholic church for many years and I picked up much of their liturgy listening to their services.”

“Well, OK. He really needs the last rites. Go help him if you can.”

The man knelt beside the stricken man, crossed himself and said “Under the B, 7, under the I, 18, under the N, 33....”

A rabbit saw a crow sitting on a tree branch.

“Hey!” called the rabbit. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” said the crow.

“I’d like to do absolutely nothing, too, “ said the rabbit.

“Go ahead, ” said the crow. ”What’s to stop you?”

“I will,” said the rabbit and he lay down in the road.

Along came a fox who glanced at the crow high in the tree and jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

The moral of this story is: You can do ABSOLUTELY nothing all day but you have to be pretty high up to get away with it.

A customer in a restaurant dropped his spoon on the floor. A waiter came over and reached in his pocket, then handed over a new spoon. The customer said, “Do you always walk around with spoons in your pocket?”

“Yes,” said the wiater. “An efficiency expert told us 13.9% of our custmer will drop their utenisls and we can save 17.3 minutes a week if we don’t have to walk back to the kitchen for a new spoon.”

"That is very interesting,” said the customer. “But why do you have a string hanging out of your fly?"

“The expert told us we can save 32.6 minutes a week if we didn’t have to wash out hand after using the toilet. So we wrap a piece of string around the end of our penis and pull it out with the string.”

“Yes,” said the customer, “but how do you get it back in without touching it?”

“Well, I don’t know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon.”

An elderly husband leans over and asks his wife,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and do it again for old time's sake?"


"Oh, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" says the wife, and off they go.

A police officer sitting in the next booth hears their conversation and having a chuckle he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a
fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

Just before she touches the fence, the old
man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are wildly moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He continues to quietly watch, making sure they've not had heart attacks. After about fifteen minutes of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself,this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is. So, as the couple pass him, he says to them,

"Pardon me, but that was something else. You must've had many years of fantastic sex together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

A man went to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He ordered the house special and is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.

After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Politically Correct Titles

The Still-Productive Senior and the Sea
Crime and "Time Out"
The Cranially Absent Horseman
Murder on the Asian-Bound Express
To Catch and Release a Mockingbird
The Lion, the Wiccan, and the Wardrobe
Lady Chatterly's Friend with Benefits
Ms. Bovary
The Heart is a Lonely Animal Assassin
The End-of-Life Consultation Comes for the Archbishop
To Put to Sleep a Mockingbird
The Flat-Backed Challenged Bell Ringer of Notre Dame
Height-Challenged Womyn
The Taming of the High Maintenance Woman
Of Mice and People
Romeo and Romeo
The Call of the Natural Habitat
Moby Penis
The Grapes of Anger Management
Crime and Corrective Detention
The Friend You Haven't Met (Camus)

A group of gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.

After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.

The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.

The first safe's combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

'Well,' says one robber to another, 'at least we get a bit to eat.'

They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a newspaper headline reads, World's largest sperm bank robbed.'

Believing his son was becoming an alcoholic, a father decided to give him a demonstration to cure him of his affliction.
He showed his son a worm and dropped it in a glass of water. The worm swam to the top.
Then he dropped the worm into a glass of gin. The worm died.
"Well, son, what have we learned from this?"
"If you drink enough, you don't get worms."

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's
expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much
more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old
lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is
also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.."

A well-to-do couple hired a maid to care for the house and she proved to be a gem. But, after working for them for several years, Marion came to the wife and said she was quitting. The wife asked whether she liked her job and Marion said she certainly did. But she had to leave because she was pregnant.

The couple talked it over and decided they didn't want to lose Marion, so they told her they would adopt the child if Marion just continued to work for them. Marion agreed but instead of one, she had two children -- twins. The couple adopted the kids and life went on as it had.

Several years later, Marion once again said she had to quit, being once more with child. Once again the couple agreed to take on the new-born if Marion would stay. Marion agreed again and again she had twins, which were nonetheless adopted.

Several months later, Marion said she was leaving. The wife said, "Surely you can't be pregnant this soon."

"No, m'am. Of course not," said Marion.

"Then why are you leaving?"

"Because when I took this job I didn't expect to have to take care of so many children."

A rough-and-ready biker’s group pulled over when they spotted a shapely young chick poised prettily on a bridge – about to leap into the raging waters below.

The pack's leaderyelled up to her: “What are you doing, honey?”

“I’m gonna kill myself,” answered the distraught hottie, her short skirt whipping in the wind, exposing a beautiful pair of stems.

Thinking fast, the brawny brute responded, “Well, cutie, before you do anything rash, why don’t ya come down here and I’ll give you a big goodbye kiss.”

After a frightful pause, she finally acquiesced and hopped down and gives him a big, sloppy, lingering smooch to everyone’s great relief.
“Wow!” the bike hog sighed. “That was the best damn kiss I’ve ever had! You’re a beautiful, young, sexy and passionate person. Why the Hell do you want to end your life?”

She sighed, wiped the tears from her big, blue eyes and said, “My folks hate it when I dress up like a girl.”

A wife returned home early and found her husband in bed with another woman. In a fit of rage, possessing superhuman strength, she dragged him outside, into the garage. Once there she inserted his penis into a vise and tightened it, removing the handle.

When she grabbed a hacksaw, the husband cried out, "You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

"No," said the wife, handing him the saw. "I'm going to set the garage of fire."

This is from the Jumbo Joke site and has to be the worst ethnic joke ever told.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

I missed your rotten jokes. Welcome back, Proof!

Here, as I lay abed, came this reworking of an old joke:

Once a bear came to rest in our tree--
'Twas a sight quite delightful to see.
But our thoughts soon were that some poor kid
Might fall prey to the bear -- God forbid!

Help we sought from police and from fire
But they said catching bears would require
That we seek out a hunter (a pro)
Who could master that bear from word 'go'.

In the classified ads, we found Bob
Who claimed catching wild bears was his job.
And he did it not using a gun
Since to just shoot a bear was no fun.

"I shall climb up the tree and once there
I will shake till the bear takes to air.
When the bear hits the ground underneath
Then my mastiff will grasp with his teeth

And, once pinning the bear in the muck,
Will commence to screw. That dog can fuck!
He will fuck the bear till it should die.
We're a great pair. Please give us a try."

That man's confidence allayed out fears
Since he'd pacified bears all these years.
So he came, man and dog in his van,
And thus started his grandiose plan.

But we noted what seemd like a trifle--
This hunter was toting a rifle.
"You said you weren't shooting the bear."
"Take this gun and just stand over there.

"Then I'll scoot up the tree. When I shake
And I shake -- if by some sad mistake --
I should happen to fall from the tree
You must do a great service for me.

"Seems the mastiff is not smart all all,
And he'll fuck anything that may fall.
So if I hit the ground like a log
Then, for heaven's sake, please -- shoot the dog!"

A police patrol parked outside of a bar. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off -- it was a fine, dry summer night -- flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all !!!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

As a zoo docent, I recently asked the animals here to take a survey to determine how we can improve their status. These are their comments:

SPECIES RIGHTS

Deer and Raccoons: A national 15 mph speed limit
Cheetahs: No speed limit
Rabbits: Abortion on demand
Bees: Queen must pay her share of taxes
Amoebae: No discrimination based on asexual preferences
Male Black Widow Spider: Safer mating conditions
Mosquitoes: Blood tests for everyone (and they’ll do the sucking)
Cats: a ban on stringed instruments
Dogs: Expand hot lunch programs to include pets
Kangaroos: Better day care
Mantises: Prayer everywhere
Beavers: More funds for dam building
Geese, Grouse, Ducks, Moose: Stricter gun controls
Skunks: Less competition from landfills
Sheep: An end to sexual harassment
Hermit Crabs: Affordable housing
Zoo Animals: Stricter privacy laws
Owls: Free eyeglasses
Bat’s: Free hearing aids
Naked Mole Rats: Unlimited dental care and a larger clothing allowance
Elephants: Olestra-fortified hay
Parrots: their own talk show
Pigs: Changes to football manufacturing specification
Hares: Life, liberty and the pursuit of hoppiness
Penguins: Casual Fridays
Giraffes: Wider scarves

Since corporations are now treated as people, we’ve learned Nike is intent on preserving the right of children to peacably assemble.

Came across this today

Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman

Symbol : WO

Discoverer : Adam

Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified

Occurence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moment’s notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well-used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and sports cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

The only time it's good to call out "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One
summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She
wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.
But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange
of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the
cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue
watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed
that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices? He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and
go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping
up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband
and then leave..The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the
road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied, "She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"

Despite his exquisite training, amiable personality, and continued income producing capability, the pig that starred in the movie, "Babe" was going to be sold and slaughtered for sausage and bacon like any other pig. Babe's trainer protested, exclaiming, "You'll be biting the ham that feeds you!"

A salesman stopped at a farm to sell his goods. As h talked to the farmer, he noticed a three-legged pig running through the yard. "That's an unusual pig," he said. "Why does he have only three legs?"

"You don't know the half of it," said the farmer. "That there pig saved the entire family one evening. He noticed that a fire had started in the front room and broke down the back door to awaken all of us."

"Well, that is truly amaziing. But why does he have only three legs?"

"One day my tractor turned over and pinned me to the ground. Then that there pig, he dug a trench so I could crawl out from under the tractor before it exploded. Saven my life."

"That's unbelievable! But why does he only have three legs?"

"Well, obviously you can't eat a great pig like that all at once."

The makers of Gorilla Glue are now marketing duct tape. The gorilla in charge of the that division is the Ductape.

Here's one for RE

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each of me brothers and one for meself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," he explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

A man and his blonde wife go on a long road trip together. At dusk they start to look for somewhere to stay overnight. The only town for miles turns out to be holding a local fair, and the hotels they try say that they're full up. Eventually they find two single rooms at hotels half a mile from each other. They decide to meet in the restaurant of one hotel for breakfast next morning, say goodnight, and go to their separate rooms.

Next morning the husband arrives in the restaurant a little late and finds to his surprise that his wife isn't there. After waiting a while he phones her. "Thank God you called," she sobs, "I can't get out of my room." "There are only three doors, one to the bathroom, one to the closet, and another with a sign hanging on the door handle saying 'DO NOT DISTURB'."

I don't know if this one is true or not. I do have at least one relative who might be the person mentioned.

I worked in a call center for a well known cable/broadband provider when an older woman calls about her TV not working properly.
“I cannot get a picture on my TV," she complained.
I asked, “Is it just black, or are there some numbers or text on the screen?”
She said, “No picture, but I can see the clock telling me what time it is.”
So I said, “Ok, there should be some buttons on the side where you can change the channel or input. Do you see those buttons?”
But she insisted she couldn't see anything about channel, but there are buttons.
“What buttons do you see?”
“Well, I see Time, Start/Stop and Defrost…”
“Ma’am, are you looking at your microwave?”
There was silence, then, “…Oh dear. I hope not.”

After being arrested for shoplifting, I pled not guilty due to an adverse reaction to prescription antibiotics. "What are you taking?' asked the judge. Said, I, "kleptomycin."

Against his better judgement, a curator at a natual history museum hired a blonde as a tour guide. One day he followed her to see how well she described the exhibits. She did fine until she talked about the dinosaur exhibit.

After she finished, he pulled her aside and said, "I noticed that you did everything well but you mentioned that the dinosaur was 65 million and one month old. Where did you get that precise information?"

"Silly," she said. "When you hired me you told me that dinosaur was 65 million years old and that was four weeks ago."

Monica Lewinsky countered President Clinton’s firm denial with the following quote: “I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, and that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how — head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. They may try to bring me to my knees but I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until my name has been wiped clean. I will not be stained by this dirty affair.”

quote:

"When you hired me you told me that dinosaur was 65 million years old and that was four weeks ago."

I heard the same joke, apart from the fact that it was a retiring guide who mentioned in his speech that the dinosaur was 65 million and forty years old. Guess how long he'd been employed by the museum?

There's no such thing as a NEW joke.

When Kalleh, Shufitz, my wife and I toured Chicago's Field Museum, I bought only one souvenir: a t-shirt in my wife's size depicting their famous T-rex, Sue. It is also my wife's name. She was not amused. No comment from the dinasaur.

Good thing you didn't buy her Johnny Cash's record, A Boy Named Sue.

I ould neav er make fun of my wife, What's-Her-Name.

This isn't a real joke, but it may be funnier because it really happened.

My sister works in a psychiatric state hospital in Phoenix. You can imagine the patients there. One of them said to my sister, "You are a hideous, lesbian, Jewish bitch!" My sister is none of those (though, I suppose we're all a "bitch" at some point.) Anyway, when he said that, one of her colleagues said, "I didn't know you were Jewish!"

Something along the same line happened to me many years ago. I pointed out an error on a proof sheet to the plant supervisor, but he didn't agree with me. When I continued the argument (which is what developed), he called me a "dumb-ass SOB," said he wouldn't stop the press run for that "mistake", and threw me out of the pressroom. I went (furious) back upstairs to work and about forty minutes later he came into the prep department and called for everyone's attention.

"A little while ago," he said to everyone, "I called (me) a 'dumbass SOB.' I want to apologize since I've since found out he's not a dumbass."

One out of two is better than nothing, I guess.

There are three nice things about sailing on an Italian cruise ship.

Everything is thoroughly new and modern

The food is always magnificent

If anything goes wrong, you never have to worry about that 'women and children first' shit.

A government social worker from New York City was transferred to the mountains of West Virginia.
She was on the first tour of her newly assigned territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," asked the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

On the roof of his car rode poor Seamus,
The dog that made Mitt Romney famous.
If we’re asked, then our pick
Might just be Micheal Vick
Who was less cruel to pets. Can you blame us?

I thought this one was great (from another wevsite):

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local factory.


After a few beers, the first guy says to the second,

"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

"Well, I don't know about kin and all," the second guy finally answers...

"...But," he continues, "I reckon' it would make us even!"

The lottery in the US is now worth over half-a-billion dollars. One man really wanted to win and he got down on his knees and prayed.
"OH, God! Please, let me win the lottery. I'll do anything you ask. I've never asked you for anything but this is the one thing I truly need. Please let me win."
God looked down on him, then spread the clouds and, in his Charlton Heston voice, said, "All right, already. I'll do what I can. But just do me one favor."
"Anything, God. Anything!"
"Buy a ticket."

Some one-liners form Stan Dupp, the comedian:

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over, and sure enough, nobody was home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and saw a guy jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

School Exam Answers
We've had some of these before. This is a new (and recent!) batch. (rrom Jumbo Joke)
- - -
Q: What is a vibration?
A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.


Q: What is the chemical formula for water?
A: h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o (h to o). [This was marked wrong.]

Q: To change centimeters to meters you _____?
A: take out centi.

Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.

Q: Tapeworms are hermaphrodites. What is meant by the term "hermaphrodite"?
A: Lady Gaga.

Q: What do we call the science of classifying living things?
A: Racism.

Q: A star in the sky suddenly brightens to many times its original brightness and then fades gradually over the next several years. Hypothesize what happened in terms of a star's life cycle.
A: It just had a hot flash and is probably going through menopause.

Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.

I just heard about a guy who was thrown out of a mime performance while he was suffering a seizure. They thought he was heckling.

A man got a job as a bartender and things went fine until one night when a large group came in and started waving their hands. He couldn't understand what they wanted so he called his boss. The boss arrived and immediately threw everyone out. The bartender asked shy he did this and the boss said, "Those guys are all from the School For the Deaf. If I told them once, I've told them a hundred times, no singing."

A man complained to his Chinese doctor that his love life was suffering because he couldn't get an erection. The doctor told him not to worry. There was an ancient Chinese remedy that could aid him. All he had to do was take a special pill, get into bed with his wife, say "One, two, three" and like magic he'd get an erection. It would retain its rigidity until he said "One, two, three, four", at which point it would go back to a flaccid condition. However, the pill could only be used once a year so afterward sex was out for twelve months.

The man took the pill home, got into bed with his wife, and said, "One, two, three." Up popped the world's biggest woody. He snuggled against his wife, who was surprised at his immense weapon and was eager to try it out. Just as the proceedings were about to commence, she said, "Honey, what did you say 'One, two, three' for?"

The Seven Kinds of Sex

Sex researchers now report there are seven kinds of sex. Which describes your typical style?
1. Smurf Sex: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

2. Kitchen Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

3. Bedroom Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

4. Hallway Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

5. Religious Sex: You get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

6. Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and her lawyer screws you in front of everyone.

7. Social Security Sex: You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks. I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!" So, I immediately apologized and said,
"Sorry,.... Are you two whales from Scotland?"

JUmbo Joke recorded this one today

Politically Correct Descriptions of Men

He does not have a beer gut ...He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.

He is not a bad dancer ...He is overly caucasian.

He does not get lost all the time ...He investigates alternative destinations.

He is not balding ...He is in follicle regression.

He is not a cradle robber ...He prefers generationally differential relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk ...He becomes accidentally horizontal.

He does not act like a total ass ...He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion.

He is not a male chauvinist pig ...He has swine empathy.

He is not afraid of commitment ...He is monogamously challenged.

He is not horny ...He is sexually focused.

It's not his crack you see when he bends over ...It is male cleavage.